Question

托福TPO21的独立作文跪求狠批！！！！！！！！！！！！

题目
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
　　For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school.
　　Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

作文
According to a recent research conducted byBeijing University, more than half interviewees endorse thatan extraordinary success to much extent is associated with your relationship between others.This kind of people believe only get alongwell with your fellows and your boss, to satisfy them ,to compliment on them ,will you havemore opportunitytobe supereminent .However, when the same question occurs to me, I still firmly hold my opinion thatworking hard matters more.
First and foremost,highly professional academic knowledge is an essential step to success.This is to say no matter what job you will engage in ,like a teacher,a doctor or even a worker,it is necessary for you to take pains to studyat the concerned fieldat school.Because there is a widespread saying"Books are the progressive stair for humans." Provided burying your self in reading books , in studyinghard, you will have thequality to purse your goals and be competentin reality.
Additionally, school can also give you a lesson about howto achieve your dream.Specifically speaking, you will learn theshortcut to strugglingfor the brighter future and the sensible approach to choosinga suitable career.For example, in order to prepare myself for future challenge, I have alreadytaken part in various activities at school. Due to them , I now have a goodcommand of making decisions , attain the courage to face obstacle and figureout a specifically ideal job. If I merely focus on acquainting with others, howcan I possess these qualities ?
Despite the fact I state above, possibly wemight not ignore the approach with surroundings.As we all know ,humans live in this societyand can not insulate themselves from the outside world.Once you get in trouble , you can try yourbest and put all your efforts to solve the problem though the process may beexhausted.Or there is also a easier way offered to youthat ask for help from others. But if you just neglect the contact with others, definitely no one will be your side.
Based on the previous reasoning and analysis,though good relations may sometimes help, I still give my purpose to the preceding opinion for the knowledge of profession and preparation of personal quality.
谢谢！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！

Answer 1

首先，记得单词间打空格，然后英语里标点符号后面也要打空格，不是符号前面，但your self就不用打。

你很多句子有语法问题，比如This kind of people believe only get alongwell with your fellows and your boss, to satisfy them ,to compliment on them ,will you havemore opportunitytobe supereminent. 两个to do短语并不make sence，除了广告里似乎没见过这种用法。后面的will you倒装完全没理由。托福不是四级，不需要罗列语法形式。而且句意不明，“对这些人而言，他们认为只有讨好同伴和上司才有机会变得出类拔萃”，即使用中文也不理解你在说什么。我可能会用These people believe that the most effective way to get promoted in a company is trying to ingratiate themselves with their boss. 再比如“though good relations may sometimes help”， good relation是特指woman-owned, relationship focused的，这里要用relationship，语序也应该是sometimes it may helps.
最后，这篇文章可能最高15分吧。