Question

请各位帮我改一下雅思作文吧~

题目是目前很多发展中国家都在expand their tourism industry。请说明理由。并评论这个现象positive or not。

作文
In contemporary age and society, many developing countries are exploiting at a large spectrum of their tourism attractions. There is a considerable number of tourism resources in some developing countries, such as sunshine and beaches in Malaysia. As more and more countries pay their attention on the tourism industry and actively expand it, tourism income contributes a heavy percentage to their GNPs. This phenomenon is attribute to several reasons.
The most manifest and significant reason for the expansion is that the tourism affects directly on the economy of the countries. With the gradually perfection of global transporting conditions and the constant construction of the local infrastructure, massive foreign tourists travel abroad to enjoy their vacations. They stay in the local hotels and consume commodities; thus, the local tourism revenue ascends and the economy progress as well. The mechanism plays exactly in the governments’ hands. Besides, as is well-known, it needs numerous manual labors to fulfill its demand as the tourism industry is classified to the Third Industry, which mainly offers services. This, to the governments’ satisfaction, alleviate the incidence of unemployment. Farther speaking, it helps stabilize the society. What’s more, most of the tourism projects are eco-friendly(that is precisely the reason why it is called green economy.) and low-cost. Therefore, for many developing countries which are afflicted with financial problems, the expanding is painless and productive.
However, everything should be controlled in a limited boundary. Overly expansion results in disasters. In spite of the above-mentioned advantages, the undue exploit and development has grave detrimental impact on the environment. Some tourism spots are under poor administration. The misbehaver of the tourists are not held out in time, which may lead to the deteriorate of the local ecosystem. For instance, there was once a horrible forest fire in the Great Mountain in Northern China caused by a tourist who threw his lighting cigarette without putting it out. The tragedy is well likely to happen again if the managers pay insufficient attention to necessary scrutiny. More worryingly, some developing countries expand the natural resources at random instead of planning carefully ahead according to the environment condition. It is absolutely stupid and short-sighted.
In a conclusion, therefore, the tourism industry benefits the less developed countries, but the authorities must make a long-term plan and get a clear perspective on the current situation so that they could expand the precious resources in harmony ways.

399个单词。

Answer 1

题目是目前很多发展中国家都在expand their tourism industry。请说明理由。并评论这个现象positive or not。

作文

In contemporary age and society, many developing countries are //exploiting at a large spectrum of //用法有问题their tourism attractions//可以去掉spectrum那个错误的词组,在句尾加 to the full. There is/are a considerable number of tourism/tourist resources in some developing countries, such as sunshine and beaches in Malaysia. As more and more countries pay their attention on/to the tourism industry and actively expand it, tourism income //contributes a heavy/high percentage//搭配很别扭,take up....in... to their GNPs. This phenomenon is attribute/d to several reasons/整句写法别扭,可改为.....is mainly attributed to the following reasons.
The most manifest and significant reason for the /tourist expansion is that the tourism affects /directly on/删 the economy/ies 注意单复数 of the countries /directly. With the/删 gradually/gradual这里需要的是形容词 perfection of global transporting/删ing conditions and the/删 constant construction of the /删 学会冠词的用法很重要 其实很难 主要靠长期阅读积累local infrastructure, massive//用这个词来形容人很好笑,不是多是巨大粗大的意思 foreign tourists travel abroad to enjoy their vacations. They stay in the/删 local hotels and consume commodities; thus, the local tourism revenue ascends/这个词没错,用的很怪,你见过有老外这样用过?收入增长用increase grow go up rise都可以 and the economy progress//??这个progress是动词还是名词? as well. The mechanism /plays exactly in the governments’ hands/完全没有这样的搭配用法. Besides, as is well-known, it needs numerous manual labors to fulfill its demand as the tourism industry is classified to/as介词搭配也很重要 the Third Industry/第三产业英文是tertiary industry , which mainly offers services. This, to the governments’ satisfaction, alleviate the /high incidence of unemployment. Farther speaking, it helps stabilize the society. What’s more, most of the tourism projects are eco-friendly(that is precisely the reason why it is called green economy.) and low-cost. Therefore, for many developing countries which are afflicted with financial problems, the expanding/expansion is painless and productive.
However, everything should be controlled /in a limited boundary/还是搭配的问题....should be under strict control. Overly/这是个副词 over expansion results in disasters. In spite of the above-mentioned advantages, the undue exploit/exploitation and development has grave detrimental impact on the/删 environment. Some tourism spots are under poor administration. The misbehaver/misbehaviors of the tourists are not held out//你用这个词组想说什么?是stop之类的意思么? in time, which may lead to the deteriorate/这是个动词 of the/删 local ecosystem. For instance, there was once a horrible forest fire in the Great Mountain//这是哪里? in Northern China caused by a tourist who threw his lighting/lighted cigarette//to .... /without putting it out/删,多余. The tragedy is well/还是搭配不对very/quite/highly likely to happen again if the/删 managers pay insufficient attention to necessary scrutiny//完全是胡乱的搭配,结果就是让稍有水平的读者读起来如鲠在喉别扭至极. More worryingly, some developing countries expand the natural resources at random instead of planning carefully ahead /of time according to the/删 environment condition. It is absolutely stupid and short-sighted.
In a/删 conclusion, therefore, the tourism industry benefits the less developed countries, but the authorities must make a long-term plan and get a clear perspective on the current situation so that they could expand/exploit the precious resources in harmony/harmonious ways.

399个单词。

得分约在5分左右.

一篇文章其实是最能反映一个人的语言水平的. 这篇文给人的感觉是满目疮痍,东拼西凑,词不达意.虽然试图堆积辞藻,但毕竟水平有限,英语又很讲求搭配和用法的严谨,所以纵使大词猛句却难得高分.另外雅思大作文250词,最好精益求精,多写不会多得分,反会加大失分概率.

作者现在最需要做的不是大量的写,而是多看英语原版杂志如economist, business weekly 等等,或者上网看英语国家的门户网站如yahoo.com等等,多多积累些语言素材先, 杜甫 说读书破万卷，下笔如有神,用在雅思写作上也是同个道理.

还有疑问百度hi我,希望对你有所帮助.继续加油.

Answer 2

写的比较拗口。