Question

托福作文求批改，优缺点，得分 我12。19 一战！！！

External appearance will provide important clues of people

Some people always assert that we should not just judge a person by his appearance. Admittedly, we should not totally make a conclusion to a person by his external. But we, actually, have to take into account the externals as one standard of judging people. That's say external appearance is imporant for ones' life and social relationship.

First and foremost, the external appearance of people will effect the recognition of others basically. For instance, you are a boss of a company and need to hire some graduates to join into your company. Two guys come to the interview, which are hosted by you and your colleagues. One is in suits and ties perfectly and another is in dirty cloth and slipper. Which one will have more possibilities to pass the interview, if they are equal in background and professional skills. I think the answer is absolutely clear that most of the leaders will choose the first guy as company's employee. So apparently our judgement towards people will be easily influented by the external appearance, especially when we don't know each other better, even through we maybe have not realized the fact.

Another main point worth mentioning of my propensity is that we can see the inner traits of people by the external appearance. Some people frequently boast to others how excellent and perfect they are. How can we trust a guy's saying thoroughly without a clear T-shirts and shoes. In daily life, we must commit that the bad custom of personal sanitation will give us the feeling that they mostly lack of responsibility and good learning habits etc. The lacking sense of sanitation will not influent only in the outlook of a person, but also in different section of your life. You maybe lazy for everything you involved in and never have the positive attitude to do something even it is your loving part.

From the two factors I deliberated deeply above, it's seemingly easy to find out that the external appearance is so important and definitely influence different parts of our life. As a conclusion, we should corrects some of our bad personal habits to make us more accessible for the society and life.

用时:29

Answer 1

1. 当用 people 时，后面用 they 和 their 。当用person时，后面必须要用 he or she ，而不能只用其中一个。总体感觉你的文章里面 they 和 we 用得比较混乱。
2. 用第三人称的时候，注意后面动词的形式。（也许只是你的输入错误了吧）*^_^*
3. 结尾有些欠妥。最后一句话可以是对文章的总结或者对未来的展望。第一句和第二句之间过渡的很不自然。例如你可以加这句话 - However, in fact, this thoughts is very one-sided even though sometimes it is a standard to judge a person.在描写对未来展望的句子时，前面不能用 as a conclusion，并且我觉得 accessible 这个词用在这里不恰当。例如：In addtion, I hope that people will correct their thoughts and bad habits that judging person by his or her appearance to make society and life more beautiful.
4. 文章结构清晰。但是句子形式过于单一，你应该用一些 transition words 把句子连接起来。此外，文章的开头你可以用一个疑问句，这样会引起读者的兴趣（最主要的是引起判卷老师的兴趣），例如：Do you base on people's appearances to judge them? I think almost everyone's answer is yes. Do not say no, please let us honest. Actually, no one can really do.

Answer 2

总体不错，对于一战的人来说在规定时间内写成这样已经相当不容易了。
优点：文章条理比较清晰，每段举例子也有自己论述挺好的，有用个别托福词汇，有这个意识很好的。有些固定搭配固定句式用的也挺好的。
缺点：最大的问题是句式过于单一，句子过于简单。有时用本来一句话就能陈述清楚的例子写了一大段，比如第一个理由举得例子。完全可以用定语从句合并成一句。一个长句子很容易给文章添彩，要长短句结合不能只有短句。个别的语法错误是无法避免的，这个基本不会影响你的总体成绩。还有个别副词用的稍微有点别扭，如果完善一下就更好了！还有就是第二个例子不恰当，起码我是这么认为的。
打分这个不敢冒然说，保底的说你也能得20，就算考试时候一紧张，最起码20。。个人认为。。
加油吧 你潜力很大，我是12号考 第三次。。还剩一天了 紧张啊！！！