Question

雅思作文求高手批 指出具体错误 越详细越好 最好给我估下分

题目是Maintaining public libraries is a waste of money since computer technology is now replacing their functions. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
下面是我写的
Nowadays,there exist a social phenomenon that computer technology is now replacing the functions of the public libraries .
Some people argue that it is necessary to pay for maintaining public libraries .on the one hand ,it is universally acknowledged that the libraries not only offer a place for us to reading and resting ,but supply atmosphere so that people could calm down and lost themselves in reading ,and also ,communicate with each others .On the other hand ,we cannot sit in the front of the screen reading daylong because of intense radiation .
However ,some people take opposite views.AS a developing county ,we donot get enough funds for people who cannot feet themselves ,and we donot have adequately land for people who are homeless . How can we waste money and lands in maintaining public libraries which just a few people need it .What is more , libraries show bear responsibility to ensure each book putting in given place .However ,through reading online ,there is not necessary to do waht the libraries' whole day job .
AS for me ,I get used to reading books online ,so I prefer that government could save money in public libraries and invest in developing computer technology .
In conclusion , it is the fact that a growing number of people reading online instead of going to libraries .But , in addition ,the libraries cannot be replaced as a symbol of the culture in a city .Hence ,my view will fall between two extremes .only one library one city for people who in favour of reading in public libraries and chating with each others .

Answer 1

模板套的还行。
但是句子很多不规范，中式英语的感觉。
用词简单，IELTS是学术性写作，不是中学生看图写话，用词应该避免简单化
全篇 we 用的太多， 学术性写作应极力避免 建议好好看看学术性写作的规则
总体感觉像四六级模板套高中词汇

分析如下
1. 首句 there exist…… 不规范 另外 there be 句型是简单句，应尽量不用
2. 第二段首句主旨句提出正方观点很好 第二句on the other hand用的莫名其妙 ，前文并没有说一方面，何来 另一方面 注意第一句是主旨句并不是一方面
3. offer sb sth to do sth
4. lose in sth低级 改成 be addicted to
5. and also 不规范
6. 第三段 AS a developing county 莫名其妙 LZ想说是【中】国吗？ 这不是高中作文国内四六级，举例说明就应该说清楚 take China as an example,
另外学术性写作尽量避免政治 宗教等敏感问题 China是个发展中国家 已经涉及政治了 应避免

7.we donot get enough funds 简单句+用词简单

8. How can we waste money ……？ 学术性写作避免疑问句 感叹句 等带有强烈感情色彩的句式，全篇陈述句即可

9.What is more重复两次 用词重复

10.there is not necessary to 简单句+重复使用

11. AS for me ,I get used to reading books online ,so I prefer that government could save money in public libraries and invest in developing computer technology .
举例需要有信号词 for instance, for example等等 另外避免加入个人主观色彩，不要老是 I 怎么怎么样 此句完全可以用第三人称改写

总结：
1. LZ还要在单词上下功夫，避免简单词汇 避免重复用词
2. LZ对学术性写作的常识认知不清 建议好好看看范文
3. LZ应避免使用简单句，从句和长难句才是拿分的保证

综上 分数在5.5-6之间