Question

准备托福中。。。第一次写作文，求狠批！！！谢谢

Although there are a lot of people agree with that teachers could make their social or political views know to students in the classroom, I strongly hold my own point of view that I think teachers should not make their social or political views known to students in the classroom with the following aspects. First of all, as in general teachers have considerably important influence on students, students would receive their teachers' social or political views easily. And in this way students usually couldn't develop their own point of views on some social or political events. Take my own teacher for example, she told us the United States is a free country with liberty, while I had no idea about the US at all, and if we'd had a chance we'd better go to the United States to have a look, which has stimulated me for a long time and I decided to study in America in two years. On the other hand, some teachers may have some wrong thoughts about some sensitive social or political views, which would have bad effect on their students and mislead them to a wrong place. There are some German teachers who believe in Nazi and they usually talk with their students about what they are thinking about racialism. Such as they should hate jew and jewess, which is absolutely a bad idea. However teachers should have the ability to help students to lift a new height. And it is truly that some good teachers do really have dramatically right and objective views on some sensitive affairs, which could make students have a clear cognition about social or political events. But it may interfere students' independent thinking with their done views. To sum up, I still hold my own point of view that teachers should not make their own social or political views known to students in the classroom with the above reasons.

Answer 1

整体还不错，20分左右，但有下面几个问题
1. 开头：可以，但太简单了。首先第一句你要说明，为什么这个题目是个问题，为什么值得讨论。其次，既然你说到有些人认为老师应该把政治观念强加于学生，那为什么在正文中没有用一两句话解释一下呢。开头有让步，正文也要有让步。
2. 语法：在美国的文法中，非限定性定语从句中的which不可以指代前面整个句子。
3. 论证部分的第一段：论点很好，举例有问题——例子没有体现危害。读过你的例子，我会问你一句，so what? 这个例子能证明什么？
4. 论证方法单一：其实for example是很简单的一种方式，可以用，但不能全部用。
5. 个人觉得，however那一段可以放在 to sum up之后。因为这一段和你论证的内容无关，而且结尾不能太短。
望采纳