求大神帮我看一下这篇作文的语法错误
ShouldCollegeBeEncouragedtoAttendTVTalentshowsAlongwiththeadvanceofthesocietymoreandm...
ShouldCollege Be Encouraged to Attend TV Talent shows
Along with the advance of the society more and more phenomena broughtour attention，one of which is that many college students enjoys to attend TVTalent shows。
People hold different views about the phenomenon. Some peoplebelieve that TV Talent shows can enables college students to obtain societyexperience and make many friends who have common conversation topic with them. Butother people take an opposite side。They firmly believethat college student attends TV Talent shows to waste time.Asfar as I am concerned, the former notion is preferable in some senses. Thereasons are obvious. Firstly, these programs can extend our mind. Secondly,interest plays an important role in our study. Lastly, college student not onlysightsee more beautiful scene than ever, but also learn some interpersonalskills 展开
Along with the advance of the society more and more phenomena broughtour attention，one of which is that many college students enjoys to attend TVTalent shows。
People hold different views about the phenomenon. Some peoplebelieve that TV Talent shows can enables college students to obtain societyexperience and make many friends who have common conversation topic with them. Butother people take an opposite side。They firmly believethat college student attends TV Talent shows to waste time.Asfar as I am concerned, the former notion is preferable in some senses. Thereasons are obvious. Firstly, these programs can extend our mind. Secondly,interest plays an important role in our study. Lastly, college student not onlysightsee more beautiful scene than ever, but also learn some interpersonalskills 展开
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要大改！ Should College Students Be Encouraged to Attend TV Talent Shows?
Along with the advance of society, more and more phenomena broughtour attention，one of which is that many college students enjoys attending TV talent shows。(不知道你这段到底要表达什么？起什么作用呢？望思考）
People hold different views about the phenomenon. Some people believe that TV talent shows enable college students to obtain social experience and make many friends who have common conversational topic with them. But other people take an opposite side。They firmly believe that it is a waste of time for college students to attend TV talent shows .As far as I can see, the former notion is preferable in some senses. The reasons are obvious. Firstly, these programs can extend our mind. Secondly,interest plays an important role in our study. Lastly, college students not only sightsee more beautiful scene than ever before, but also learn some interpersonal skills.
最后说几点：这是从语法上来改改其中的硬伤的。其实这篇文章在文章的说理论据方面有很大的内伤，给我的感受就是这么来写是说服不了我的，提出自己的观点（此观点见仁见智）以后，几个论据还需要好好斟酌哦！
Along with the advance of society, more and more phenomena broughtour attention，one of which is that many college students enjoys attending TV talent shows。(不知道你这段到底要表达什么？起什么作用呢？望思考）
People hold different views about the phenomenon. Some people believe that TV talent shows enable college students to obtain social experience and make many friends who have common conversational topic with them. But other people take an opposite side。They firmly believe that it is a waste of time for college students to attend TV talent shows .As far as I can see, the former notion is preferable in some senses. The reasons are obvious. Firstly, these programs can extend our mind. Secondly,interest plays an important role in our study. Lastly, college students not only sightsee more beautiful scene than ever before, but also learn some interpersonal skills.
最后说几点：这是从语法上来改改其中的硬伤的。其实这篇文章在文章的说理论据方面有很大的内伤，给我的感受就是这么来写是说服不了我的，提出自己的观点（此观点见仁见智）以后，几个论据还需要好好斟酌哦！
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