英语小笑话,可以读出来的

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花叶飘飘1
2009-07-05 · TA获得超过6100个赞
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hey Are Directly from America
Not long after an old Chinese women came back to china from her visit to her daughter in the Sates, she went to a city bank to deposit the U.S. dollars her daughter give her . At the bank counter ,the money was real.It mady out of patience.At last she couid not hold any more, uttering :“trust me, Sir, and trustthe money .They are real U.S. dollars. They.are directly from America. ”
汉译:
真美钞
一位中国老妇人到美国去看望女儿回来不久,到一家银行取存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台,银行职员认真仔细的检查了每一张钞票看,是否有假。这种做法使老妇人很不耐烦,最后实在忍不住说:“相信我,先生,也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元,是从美国直接带来的。”

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他赢了
汤姆:约翰尼,你小弟弟好吗?
约翰尼:他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆:真糟糕,怎么回事儿?
约翰尼:我们做游戏,看谁能把身子探出窗外最远,他赢了。

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问,“发生了什么事?”
“一个男孩咬了我一口,”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗?”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他,”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了?”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆,”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子,”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”
“她是个卖糖果的。”

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

醉酒

一天,父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄,老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道:“爸爸,‘醉’字是什么意思?” “唔,孩子,”父亲回答说,“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个,那么我就算醉了。” “可是,爸爸, ”孩子说,“那儿只有一个警察呀!”

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

好客

由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时,家里没有奶酪了,于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿,他拿着一片奶酪回到房间,把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说:“孩子,你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪?” “在捕鼠夹上,先生。”那小男孩说。

英语小笑话
上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的
一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"且话偻蚰昴?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."

1,Two birls

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟

老师: 这儿有两只鸟,一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子,哪只是麻雀吗?

学生:我指不出,但我知道答案。

老师:请说说看。

学生:燕子旁边的就是麻雀,麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

2. The Fish Net

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

鱼网

"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗,安?" 老师发问道。

"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。

3. The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

新老师

9月1日, 乔治放学回到家里。

"乔治,你喜欢你们的新老师吗?" 妈妈问。

"妈妈,我不喜欢,因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。"

4. A physics Examination

Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.

The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?

Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.

一次物理考试

在一次物理考试时,当同学们都还在苦思冥想时,尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。

这个问题是:为什么在打雷时,我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声?

尼克的回答是:因为眼睛在前,耳朵在后。

Jim’s History Examination
Uncle: How did Jim do in his history examination?
Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn't his fault. They asked him
things that happened before the poor boy was born.

吉姆的历史考试

舅舅:吉姆这孩子历史考得怎么样?
母亲:唉,糟透了。可话又说回来,这也不能怪他。嗨,他们尽问一些这个
可怜的孩子出生前的事儿。
poi11032110
2009-07-19
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I'm Trying to Stop It

"Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?"

"No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it."
“孩子,你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵?它感染了吗?”
“没有,老师。可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是一个耳朵里进,一个耳朵里出,所以我要把它堵在里面。”

“I'm sorry ,Madam ,but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .”

“Twenty d ollars! Why ,I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”

“Yes ,but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .”
“对不起,夫人,为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。”
“20美元!为什么?不是说好只要4美元。”
“是的,但是你的孩子大喊大叫,把另外四个病人吓跑了。”

TWO: Teacher:We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract. Now,can anyone give me a good example?

John:Well ,in the summer the days are long,and in the winter the days are short.
老师:我们都知道热胀冷缩的道理。现在,谁给我举个例子?
约翰:嗯,在夏天天都长,在冬天天都短。

Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?

Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,就看见一个牌子上写着"学校----慢行".

Let me take it down

An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ."
"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know."
为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说:“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”
“请再说一遍,让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。

习语:
• A good winter brings a good summer.瑞雪兆丰年。
• A good tongue is a good weapon.伶俐的口齿是一种锐利的武器。
• A good tale is none the worse for being twice told.好故事百听不厌。
• A good name keeps lustre in the dark.好的名声在黑暗中也会光芒四射。
• A good name is sooner lost than won.美誉难得而易失。
• A good name is earlier lost than won.失去美名易,得到美名难。
• A good name is better than riches.好名誉胜过有财富。
• A good medicine tastes bitter.良药苦口,忠言逆耳。
• A friend is best found in adversity.患难见真友。
• A friend is a second self.朋友是另一个我。
• A friend in need is a friend indeed.患难朋友才是真朋友。
• No wisdom like silence智者寡言
• Necessity knows no law铤而走险
• Many hands make light work人多好办事
• Don´t play the goat不要胡闹
• They’re a barrel of laughs他们很搞笑
• This movie was just a hype这部电影完全是在炒作
• the shortest straw下下签
• The news came as a bombshell这个消息犹如晴天霹雳
• feeling low意气消沉
• These are more than old wives´ tales这些可不是无稽之谈
• That’ll save your skin那可帮你度过难关
• Every bad has some good 坏事情也有好的一面
• Some things rub them the wrong way他们被惹怒了
• Stay put停住不动
• to fly off the handle突然生气、发怒
• He is really on the ball他真的思路很敏捷
• got savoir faire言行得体
• He has never rested on his laurels他从不满足目前的成就
• Jump down someone’s throat生气地批评
• put a roof over one’s head找个地方安顿
• faced the music报应
• blinded with science无言以对
• Off one’s rocker缺乏理智
• old goat老古板(通常指年长者)
• Welcome!It’s lovely to see you欢迎!见到你真高兴!
• What’s gotten into you?你怎么了?
• Coffee kept them on the go咖啡使他们充满活力;
• Shine on搁在一旁;
• Monkey(around)with乱动;
• I think I get the drift我知道了;
• get the drift明白,了解
• The meeting will start at 10 o´clock sharp会议十点准时开始;
• like taking candy from a baby形容某事易如反掌
• Home is where the heart is家是心之所在
• From the word go 从头到尾;
• They help make it less of a dog´s life他们帮忙改善生活;
• Half-baked 不成熟的
• bend the rules at times网开一面
• Spill one’s guts说出实情
• For heaven´s sake!老天!表示惊奇或愤怒的感叹语
• Fly-by-night不可靠的,不可信任的
• Nervous wreck紧张,激动
• Pull through脱险,渡过难关
• Thumb through 匆匆的阅读
• Lose one’s shirt一文不值
• Mess around with瞎搞;乱动
• Touch and go情势危急
• Handwriting on the wall.显而易见的危险
• Spread oneself too thin 心力交瘁
• run-down筋疲力尽
• We look forward to the dawn of better days.我们期待好日子的来临
• Variety is charming.丰富多彩就是美
• Two of a trade never agree.同行是冤家
• The sudden news frightened me.突来的消息吓我一跳
• He threatened to fire me他威胁要解雇我
• You young devil’s spawn!你这小鬼!
• It doesn’t listen right这听起来似乎不对;
• What snacks do you like best?你最喜欢什么零食;
• I like raisins and kebabs葡萄干和肉串
• pistachio开心果;beef jerky牛肉干儿;
• sunflower seeds瓜子;fish jerky鱼片。
• 美语“天啊”-Oh!boy或Oh!man;“好痛呀”美语标准口语是Ouch;
•如果身边有喋喋不休的人,可以说“Buzz off”
• That makes sense那可以理解;
• You said it你算说对了;
• I really need to blow off some steam!我得舒缓一下压力;
• take a piss小便
• Pride feels no cold.人要图俏,冻死不叫。/ 骄者不觉冷,俏人不穿棉。
• Virtue never grows old. 美德永远不会过时。
• Pride feels no cold. 人要图俏,冻死不叫。/ 骄者不觉冷,俏人不穿棉。
• I am always punctual 我总是很准时;
• Don’t be so modest 别谦虚了;
• I am flattered过奖了
• I am on your side 我支持你;
• Well,it depends噢,这得看情况;
• It is up in the air悬而未决
• That is the latest fashion. 这是最流行的款式;
• He always talks big. 他总是吹牛。
• So far so good 目前为止,一切都好;
• Let’s get to the point 来谈要点吧!
• For the old time sake. 看在旧曰关系的面子上;
• Let’s forgive and forget. 尽弃前嫌。
• Knock it off. 少来这一套;A close call. 太危险了/千钧一发;
• Neck and neck. 不分上下
• It is cool很棒;
• It is neat太酷了;
• It is righteous酷毙了!
• Righteous比较少用
• That will be the day. 有这么一天就好了;
• I am having a swell time. 我玩得很开心
• If I were in your shoes…如果我是你的话…;
• It is out of the question. 这是不可能的
• He passed out. 他已经昏倒了!;
• Not a sound was heard 没有一点声音;
• Don’t panic. 不要慌!
• It is a lot of junks. 这都是一些鬼东西;
• Over my dead body! 休想!
• I decline! 我拒绝
• I got a big kick out of it. 这件事真令我开心;
• Don’t try to brainwash me.别想给我洗脑
• Don’t chicken out,Be a man. 不要退缩了;
• You can count on us. 你可以信赖我们。
• His words carry a lot of weight 他的话很有份量;
• My mouth is watering. 我流口水了
• Don’t dream away your time 别虚度光阴;
• Cheer up振作起来;
• You are a chicken你是个胆小鬼
• It is nothing to be surprised about 这事不值得大惊小怪;
• What a good deal! 真便宜
• In a word,I am tired of everything 总之,我对一切都很厌倦;
• You asked for it 你自讨苦吃
• God helps those who he1p themselves 上帝帮助那些自己帮自己的人;
• You set me up! 你出卖我
• The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself 人贵有自知之明
• Misfortune might be a blessing in disguise 塞翁失马,安知非福

短篇故事:
“I'm sorry ,Madam ,but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .”

“Twenty d ollars! Why ,I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”

“Yes ,but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .”
“对不起,夫人,为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。”
“20美元!为什么?不是说好只要4美元。”
“是的,但是你的孩子大喊大叫,把另外四个病人吓跑了。”

TWO: Teacher:We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract. Now,can anyone give me a good example?

John:Well ,in the summer the days are long,and in the winter the days are short.
老师:我们都知道热胀冷缩的道理。现在,谁给我举个例子?
约翰:嗯,在夏天天都长,在冬天天都短。
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