Question

这是我的第一篇雅思练习作文,希望大家帮我修改,谢谢

题目：8分万能作文第87页

This bar chart illustrates the percentage of people who get higher education in China from 1990 to 2004. It is clear that the proportion of the people receiving higher education is an upward trend.

As can be seen from the bar graph that there was a slight increase from 1990(about 4%) to 1994 (approximately 11%) in Chinese higher education student numbers. The figure doubled in the next two years arrived t roughly 22% in 1996. After that, substantial surge in the number of Chinese students enrolled in higher education amount to approximately 10% between the years from 1996 to 1998 and to 2000 respectively. And the number in China ascended precipitously from around 45% to about 65% during the period between the years 2000 and 2002, and the statistic increase slightly6 to just under 70%.

Therefore, it can be clearly seen from the bar diagram that the numbers in higher education in China has a dramatical rise between 1990 and 2004.

希望大家能帮我评一个分数,多指出些错误,谢谢.

另外,我8月29日第一次雅思考试,在这一个月里应该怎样练习写作?希望大家能多给我一些好的建议.

Answer 1

1.This bar chart illustrates 中，this换为the要好点，当然，开头要大写。

2.It is clear that the proportion of the people receiving higher education is an upward trend 这句话是没问题的，我知道你是想用that the proportion of the people receiving higher education is an upward trend作为后置宾语从句，但是建议这样少用，觉得句式奇怪，但是语法是没问题的。如果要用，建议换成It is clear that the proportion of the people who received higher education is an upward trend.

3.As can be seen from the bar graph 中“bar graph”我知道你想表达bar chart的意思，又想避免重复使用，那你换成diagram好了，我还没听过有
bar graph的说法。

4.in Chinese higher education student numbers中 student numbers改成 student's numbers好点吧？

5.The figure doubled in the next two years arrived t roughly 22% in 1996. 这句话前面加个while，表示然而，这样会让你的句子更连贯些。

6.After that, substantial surge in the number of Chinese students enrolled in higher education amount to approximately 10% between the years from 1996 to 1998 and to 2000 respectively. 不知道substantial surge in the number of这个定语修饰Chinese students 好像不对吧？我知道你想表达大量的学生涌入高等教育，但是没有substantial surge in 和the number of一起用的诶。还有 from 1996 to 1998 and to 2000 respectively我知道你是想表达各自的意思，但是你这里又有from...to结构，又有between and结构，好像不能复合套用吧？你这样考官看不懂你的意思的，尤其是这个from 1996 to 1998 and to 2000 ，from..to和between..and是一个意思。

7.the number in China 中in换成of要好点吧？另外from around 45% to about 65%中后面的about 65%里的about就不用写了，你这样写了后就感觉繁琐了，当然，我明白你是要表达严谨的意思。from around 45% to 65%这样是不是好点呢？

8.between the years 2000 and 2002中改为between the years of 2000 and 2002要好点，and the statistic increase slightly6 to just under 70%.
中increase要加s 波？the statistic是名词单数。

9.bar diagram 也没有这样的用法额，换成histogram好了，一样的意思。后面the numbers in 中in换成of比较好，对了numbers不加S吧？

这篇文章呢，词汇用的比较多了，句式总体还是通畅的，但是很多句表达不明确，还有个别的语法错误都应当注意。考官很可能扣分的，并且扣很多。个人认为，这篇小作文应该是5.5分。

希望我的回答对你有所帮助，知识是个不断积累的过程，祝你成功！

Answer 2

This bar chart illustrates the percentage of people who receive high level education in China from 1990 to 2004. Clearly, the proportion of people receiving tertiary education shows an upward trend. (It is ....这种句型少用 在IELTS还好 如果是在sat的写作中 或是 国外大学的写作中 这种句式会被视为redundant and vague 但是有一些词是必须用的 比如说 It is incumbent upon...., etc)

According to the graph, the number of students enrolled in higher education slightly increased from 1990(about 4%) to 1994 (approximately 11%) in China. What is more, this figure doubled during the next two years, arriving at rougly 22%. From 1996 onwards, substantial increasei is noticed in the number of Chinese students studied in tertiary education, amounting to approximately 10% (between the years from 1996 to 1998 and to 2000 respectively) 括号中的话有问题 因为没有图 我不知道具体情况是什么样的 但是语法上是肯定错的,confusing~. In adiition, the number of Chinese students who took high leverl education ascended precipitously from 45% 65% between 2000 and 2002, a figure which rose to almost 70%.

Therefore, it can be clearly seen from the bar diagram that the numbers in higher education in China has a dramatical rise between 1990 and 2004. (wordy....)

4.5

Answer 3

This bar chart illustrates the percentage of people who receive high level education in China from 1990 to 2004. Clearly, the proportion of people receiving tertiary education shows an upward trend. (It is ....这种句型少用 在IELTS还好 如果是在sat的写作中 或是 国外大学的写作中 这种句式会被视为redundant and vague 但是有一些词是必须用的 比如说 It is incumbent upon...., etc)

According to the graph, the number of students enrolled in higher education slightly increased from 1990(about 4%) to 1994 (approximately 11%) in China. What is more, this figure doubled during the next two years, arriving at rougly 22%. From 1996 onwards, substantial increasei is noticed in the number of Chinese students studied in tertiary education, amounting to approximately 10% (between the years from 1996 to 1998 and to 2000 respectively) 括号中的话有问题 因为没有图 我不知道具体情况是什么样的 但是语法上是肯定错的,confusing~. In adiition, the number of Chinese students who took high leverl education ascended precipitously from 45% 65% between 2000 and 2002, a figure which rose to almost 70%.

Therefore, it can be clearly seen from the bar diagram that the numbers in higher education in China has a dramatical rise between 1990 and 2004. (wordy....)

给你写一份英文的评价
Suggestion & Comments:
The wirter shows a good range of vocabulary; however, the usages of some of the words are either incorrect or inappropriate.

In terms of content, the arthor shows some understanding of the graph. Nevertheless, I suggest him/her to eliminate the third paragraph; instead, adding more analytical information may be a better idea.

The writer, albeit use the grammar correctly some of the time, has flaws in sentence structure and difiiculties to claerly express his views . Sometimes, redundant sentence structures can be revied to much more concise ones.

Score: 6

学习建议（这个就用中文写啦。。。）：还有一个多月的时间 努力的话 应该 能提升0.5~1分 自学的话 建议多读读剑3~剑7的范文 读读外国杂志&报纸 New York Times, The Economists。。。
最重要的是多写多练 最最重要的是多修改~
如果经济条件允许的的话 找一位好老师 进行一对一辅导 帮你改作文 教你一些写作技巧
个人认为大班教学没有任何作用

祝你考试成功！！！

Answer 4

1
It is clear that the proportion of the people receiving higher education is an upward trend.
我理解：proportion是trend，虽然句式不错，但主语应该有问题，要改下～

2
As can be seen from the bar graph，还有后面的bar diagram，开头用bar chart，我觉得这一类的表达最好保持一致，毕竟不是其他的动词或名词类的～不应该这么多变化

3
a slight increase of number of students receiving higher education in China from 1990(about 4%) to 1994 (approximately 11%).
感觉我改的两个of也很别扭。但我觉得原句的主语不是很明确，我是想把number作为主语提前，但是也找不到好的表达。

4
in the next two years arrived t roughly 22% in 1996
in the next two 和 in 1996重复了，有点累赘

5
approximately 10% between the years from 1996 to 1998 and to 2000 respectively.
后半段感觉缺了点什么

6
during the period between the years 2000 and 2002
个人感觉把the years去掉可能会好些

7
that the numbers in higher education in China has a dramatical rise between 1990 and 2004.
应该用the number ??

个人愚见，请参考。

LZ的表达句式和词汇量都非常棒哦～

Answer 5

upward trend可以开成increasing trend.

as can be seen改成 it can be seen会好很多。

in Chinese higher education student numbers改成 in the number of Chinese students who attained higher education.

"in the next two years arrived to roughly 22%" 改成 "in the next two years reaching about 22%"

there was a substantial surge in the number of chinese students enrolled in higher education by approximately 10% from from the period from 1996 to 1998 and then to 2000. And the number in China(这个有点直待不明，不知道你指什么）ascended sharply from about 45% to 65% during a short period from 2000 to 2002, and the statistic(不要这么说,要说 and this number) increased slightly to just below 70%(不要用under)

therefore, it can be clearly seen from the bar diagram that there was a dramatic rise in the number of people attended higher education in China from 1990 to 2004.

还要多多练习阿，小毛病有点多，没事儿的，多练练就好了，尽量别用between 1990 and 2004,在说明表格里面用from 1990 to 2004更确切一些。 分数还应该不低的，所以加油把~