Question

雅思强人请进，帮忙看看我的雅思大作文大概有几分，并给点意见，谢谢

Q：many people believe that the main aim for university education is to help graduates to find better jobs, while some people believe that university education has wider benefits for individuals and society . Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In recent years, going to universities to get better education has become a very popular choice among students. However, when it comes to talk about the main aim for university education, opinions are various. While many people are behind this stance that the university education can help graduates to find better jobs, the rest of people hold the view that university education has wider benefits for individuals and society. But I found it hard for me to agree both of them fully. As far as I am concerned, these two ideas are reconcilable.
First of all, the main job of university it to cultivate talents who can make great contribution to the society. After studying very hard for 12 years, high school graduates have laid a good foundation. So the most significant thing in university is to develop the students’ confidence and capability, which can help them to adapt the society much easier. A good case in point is Bill Gates’ experience. Bill was a student from Harvard. When he was a student, he started with the engine of Microsoft. With the size comes power, Microsoft dominates the PC market with its operating system. Now Microsoft has become the biggest software company in the world and Bill Gates is the richest man in the world. So from Bill Gates’ story, we can safely draw the conclusion that during his two years in Harvard the university education developed Bill personal computer skill and confidence which heavily influence his career. And his work also influences the society a lot.
In addition, people attend college can obtain more choice, higher salaries and more opportunities for advancement in an increasingly competitive job market. A person who possesses a Computer Science degree would not only be qualified by high-tech companies but also be well prepared for any job with computer skill as a prerequisite. And a college graduates with a credential from a well-known university are more likely to receive more job offers and command higher salaries than applicants who lack college diplomas.
Last but not the least, with the economics booming the number of university graduates has increased rapidly. If you just hold the credential from a University, you won’t be employed because of lack social experience. So during the university time, with the help of university education, students should develop their imagination creativity capability and confidence which will make their future brighter.

Answer 1

So the most significant thing in university is to develop the students’ confidence and capability, which can help them to adapt the society much easier 这条观点是为了证明什么？
是证明the main aim for university education is to help graduates to find better jobs还是 university education has wider benefits for individuals and society
我觉得这一观点貌似是在你自己的见地。后面的例子虽然很好的证明了你的观点，但是我感觉你有点跑题，不知道是不是因为把别的题目的观点生搬到这篇造成的呢？
但是整篇文章句子还是不错的，就是最后一段Last but not the least, 这句貌似颇有4，6级的遗风！
我水平有限，尽力而为，哈哈，楼主加油。我9月13日考试，今天刚好也写了篇
Discuss both views and give your opinion.这种的文章

btw:跑题的话，貌似最多不超过5分

Answer 2

句子语法错误太多了。5.5左右 简单词汇较多 与文中的复杂词汇不相协调。

Answer 3

题目问的是讨论两种观点，给出自己观点。但你的作文只在第一段略微提及了一下两个观点，后面所有的部分都在讨论自己的观点，虽然也有具体的实例佐证，但是没有紧扣题目。
从语言表达上看：中式表达很多，不是英语写作的习惯思维。比如：high school graduates have laid a good foundation；command higher salaries ；等等，有些词组也不正确：which can help them to adapt the society等等。
总体感觉阅读顺畅，但是仔细看来，却跑题了。
切记紧扣题目，分层展开。还有比较大的提高空间。多读英文原版报纸书刊会有很大帮助，仅仅背什么范文是没有太大张劲的。
综合评分：5.5

Answer 4

连我一个中学生都看得懂，太没水平了（不是我打击你）