Question

紧急...帮我看看这篇文章有没有什么语法错误。谢谢~！

Long long ago,I had a dream to make a swing in my bedroom.Now,I am glad because it has come true.

On National Day,my family moved into a new house,so I can realize the dream by this chance.My father and I made the swing together. We went shopping for wood and rope.In the end,we did it ourselves succussfully.Consequently,after finishing it,we got a huge sense of achievement and satisfaction.The swing,I like it very much.

The swing reminds me of my childhood.Of course,the time in my heart was soft and sweet.When I was a little child,I always went around with a group of elder brothers and sisters.They took me outside to be close to the nature.We chased butterflies and dragonflies,we waded across rivers and streams.It made me happy.I never forget the time that we tied a rope to the tree and used it as a swing.We played on the swing and laughed all the time.Our world ,surrounded by warm sunshine,lovely animals,green trees, and beautiful flowers,happy with the voices and laughter. But now,the time was gone.It can never come back again.

When we are growing up,we become busy.It difficult for us to enjoy the time as what it looks like in our childhood.Obviously we are losing more and more innocence.But ,perhaps we can still keep childlike innocence, have a small simple dream,like a song sings"I was a little girl alone in my little world,who dreamed of a little home for me.I played pretend between the trees,and fed my houseguests bark and leaves,and laughed in my pretty bed of green.I had a dream that I could fly the highest swing."

Some dreams are big,while others are small.For me, the simple dream and beauutiful memory can make me forget all my problems.They help me relax myself.

如上。这是下周一要做的presentation。
要求：
请大家帮忙看看有没有什么语法错误。
或者时态上用得对不对。
还有就是句子、段落之间连贯、通顺不？
还有就是结尾了，我感觉不知道该如何结束，所以，顺便大家也帮我补充补充哈。
如果在presentation的开头要说这篇文的topic的话，那该归纳成什么呢？childlike innocence？还是a simple dream？或者是the swing？请大家帮忙想想哈。

出现错误或是不连贯的地方，请帮我修改一下。
谢谢~！

Answer 1

第一段， long time ago好些， 卧室里弄个秋千，这里用 to get a swing in my bedroom好些。后一句用happy比glad好些。

第二段， On the National Day, 要加the; 最后一句不用倒装好些。

第三段， The swing reminds me of my childhood.Of course,the time in my heart was soft and sweet.不怎么通，我觉得这么写好些： The swing reminds me of the happy times of my childhood. elder brothers and sisters是亲哥哥亲姐姐，如果你想说小朋友们中的哥哥姐姐，就说friends就好，如果是表亲，就说cousins好了。to nature是不能加the的，这个要注意。waded through the rivers比较好。Our world ,surrounded by warm sunshine,lovely animals,green trees, and beautiful flowers,happy with the voices and laughter.此句不通。（我也没看明白啥意思，汗）The time has gone, 不是was。

第四段， After growing up, we have become busy. 之后是as what it looked like。

其他的中式英语的地方蛮多的，不过要是再改动就完全不是你的作文了。如果是初中，高中，这样一篇就算不错了吧。

Answer 2

Long long ago,I had a dream to make a swing in my bedroom.Now,I am glad because it has come true.

On National Day,my family moved into a new house,so I can realize the dream by this chance.My father and I made the swing together. We went shopping for wood and rope.In the end,we did it ourselves succussfully.Consequently,after finishing it,we got a huge sense of achievement and satisfaction.The swing,I like it very much.

The swing reminds me of my childhood.Of course,the time in my heart was soft and sweet.When I was a little child,I always went around with a group of elder brothers and sisters.They took me outside to be close to the nature.We chased butterflies and dragonflies,we waded across rivers and streams.It made me happy.I never forget the time that we tied a rope to the tree and used it as a swing.We played on the swing and laughed all the time.Our world ,surrounded by warm sunshine,lovely animals,green trees, and beautiful flowers,happy with the voices and laughter. But now,the time was gone.It can never come back again.

When we are growing up,we become busy.It difficult for us to enjoy the time as what it looks like in our childhood.Obviously we are losing more and more innocence.But ,perhaps we can still keep childlike innocence, have a small simple dream,like a song sings"I was a little girl alone in my little world,who dreamed of a little home for me.I played pretend between the trees,and fed my houseguests bark and leaves,and laughed in my pretty bed of green.I had a dream that I could fly the highest swing."

Some dreams are big,while others are small.For me, the simple dream and beauutiful memory can make me forget all my problems.They help me relax myself.

Answer 3

楼主，问题不是一两处啊，改太麻烦，语音和你说吧，这不能发表啊！