Question

雅思英语高手请进入！雅思作文评分！谢谢大侠！

一篇雅思作文，请各位只帮忙评分，大侠请进，不懂人士勿误导，谢谢~

univesity education

topic: whether university should focus on the skills needed in the workplace for graduates or just for their own sake
The new era has witnessed the rise of university education. There is no denying towards the significance of university education, while people trap themselves in a dilemma whether universities should provide graduates with the skills needed in the workplace or just for their own interests.This essay aims to throw a light on both sides. In my opinion, graduates should learn the practical working skills from universities.

To begin with, university education is the final and key part of the whole natioanl education system for our young generations. The government utilizes the university education to train and transform young students into working professionals, who make the most contribution to our society. Therefore,students must learn the required skills in workplace, and then they can be ready to perform best to their abilities quickly and more efficiently, after they step out of school and come into their working lives

Secondly，in the view of an employer, the ideal candidate for an employee should be the person who requires the least amount of time and efforts to start contribute to their company, which saves the company’s valuable resources for job training. It is especially important for fresh university graduates, if they have learned some necessary skills in school. Through this way, it would be less time-consuming and more economical to any employers.

To sum up, I believe that for university education, it is important to provide students courses for general knowledge. However, it is more realistic and, more importantly, crucial to teach them the practical skills and knowledge required in workplace. Therefore, the fresh graduates are able to have much better opportunities to succeed in today’s competitive job market

Answer 1

我给你7分,不过考官也可能给6.5或7.5分,要看他当时的心情和感觉了.
语法上,你的基本功还不错,虽然也有一些小错误,这是你能拿到一个不低的基本分的保证.
写作上,你的思路还算清楚,逻辑也还严谨,不过观点未必能被考官认同(西方人可不会和中国人一样认为大学是培养高层次劳动力的地方).This essay aims to throw a light on both sides.这句话完全多余,不是写论文啊,再说你后面基本都是在支持第一种观点嘛.
对你的提高建议:1.语法上还要细抠,一些简单错误(如START DO, PROVIDE后面不跟WITH, CONTRIBUTE当名词用)要尽可能避免;2.思想性上要贴近考官的西方思维和文化背景,逻辑上还可更严密一些,如果是说中国的情况,要点出来,还要努力做到能自圆其说.