Question

请英语老师或六级大神帮我看看这篇作文

这是2012年6月的六级作文，就是一片看图作文，一个父亲问女儿今天在学校过的如何，女儿说你可以在我的博客上看到。请你帮我评评分（15分制，六级老规矩）并说说哪有问题，有什么地方可以改进，谢谢大家了。
The Impact of the Internet Communction
In this picture,we can see a father asked his daughter about her school day and his daughter said to her dad that he can read the information on her blog.From the picture,we can know that the internet has became a inseparable part of our life.It has wide impact acoss the world.However,some people are worry that the interpersonal communication will disapper because of the Internet.

It is right to worry about this.Nowadays,we spend more and more time on the Internet.It let us have less time to commucation with other.What's worse,it will wide the gap between people.Also,some people think they can slove problems and make faithful friends on Internet.

In the way of my thinking,the Internet is just a tool for us .when a friend or family ask how you going

You should communication with him.It can make him more easy to understand your feeling and give you suggestion

Answer 1

LZ你好！

  6级，呵呵，先把你的作文放到百度上翻译一下，中文不大通顺啊，就好比第一句便不对了，根据中文的话，The influence of Internet communication，嘿嘿，你那句就是多了个“的”，我试着把那个 OF去掉，“的”没有了，好奇怪。。

——————————————————————————————————————————

有道翻译的没百度通顺……还有个别单词竟直接没翻译……

豆丁网上的一点……去看看吧，希望对你有用。

追问

首先谢谢你 可以告诉你题目是考试题自带的 还有就算你用翻译工具来翻译一本外语名著也多半不通 因为机械翻译 不= 人翻译 机械是不会识别语法的。

Answer 2

有注明（*）的是错的，没有的是意见
1.（*）标题应该是 The impact of the Internet 【on】 communication，你要说的是“互联网对沟通带来的影响”，而The Impact of the Internet Communction比较像是“互联网通讯的影响”感觉缺失了明确的对象。

2. asked-asking，我们可以看见[某个动作]，所以应该是a father asking。and his daughter said to her dad that he can read the information on her blog.可以改成and his daughter answering him that he can see it on her blog./ and his daughter telling him that he can read it on her blog./ and his daughter telling him that he can read her posts on her blog.等等，没必要his daughter了过后又her dad，很累赘。
3. （*）has became-has become，become的现在完成时是不变的。
4. （*）a inseparable-an inseparable
5. （*）acoss-across
6. （*）some people are worry that-some people are worried that/ some people worry that/ some people are worrying that
7. （*）disapper-disappear
8. （*）it let us have-it lets us have
9. It lets us have less time to commucation with other.可以改成 It causes us to have less time to commucation with others./ It causes us to have less time to communicate with each other.

10.（*）What's worse,it will wide the gap between people.改成What is worse is that it will 【widen】 the gap between people.

11. faithful friends 可以换成 true friends
12.（*）on internet-on the internet
13. in the way of my thinking 改成 In my opinion / As what I would think
14.（*）how you are going-how you are doing
15.（*）communication with him- communicate with him

整篇文章表达不够清晰，用词什么的不够多变不够准确。
加油吧

Answer 3

逐行给你看的
1 communication 单词拼写
2 时态要保持一致。is asking his daughter about her school life.
3. And his daughter tell him to get the answer through her blog on the internet We can know改成 we realize that,
4. an inseparable It impacts the world widely.
5.worry about the disappearance of interpersonal communication ....
在第一段的末尾 你应该树立你自己的观点 然后进行分析 最好是在第一段末尾阐述你的观点 下一段进行论述
6. it is meaningful to talk about this topic. Firstly,we spend......on the internet nowadays so that we don't have enough time to communicate with each other.
7. It will widen the gap between people. Also 改成meanwhile
8. 这行句子内容作为论点不够充分 比如总上网让我们的视力变得不好吖 不运动 变胖吖 等等都可以作为论据描述的
9 第三段 一眼看上去内容太少 你的意见 应该多写一些 让老师能看出你要表达的观点才是最重要的 而且 以你的想法应该用in my opinion
10 最后一段 你不应该用 you should 可以改写成 :
Last but not least ,we should use the internet correctly so that we can shrink our distance . we should communicate with our parents more frequently and show more love to them. The more we show our love , the more happiness we can get.

写作文的时候尽量少用被动句 主动的说一些句子一定要阐明自己的观点 在论述部分要多写 第一段描述涂上内容