Question

请帮我这篇雅思作文打个分，谢谢~（1月14号的题目）

With the development of science, the topic of whether governments or private companies should be responsible for conducting scientific research, has been discussed a lot. Some people assert that it is the responsibility of governments while others think than private companies can do much better than governments. As far as I am concerned, I am in favor of the former view.
As we all know, science is very crucial for the progress of every country and is an essential factor of success. However, scientific research costs a great deal of money and needs a host of scientists to participate in it. Obviously, governments are much more powerful than private companies in this aspect. Furthermore, it is very difficult for citizens to monitor the behaviors of private companies. Once private companies control the core of some scientific technologies, they might do something immoral, which would be a disaster for society. Lastly‘science’s development is not only good for countries ，but is also good for citizens. For instance, recently, H1NI flu has spread all over the world and threatens us, and even worse, many people died due to that disease. In order to curb the spread of the disease, many governments played a pivotal role in the research and development of a vaccine. Citizens then become the beneficiaries of this process.
Accordingly, there are various aspects against the above mentioned argument. Some people propose that if we commercialize this area, it can lead to benign and fierce competition which will, in turn, improve the development of science. Besides that, some think that governments can be wasteful in using the tax that citizens have paid to do a thing which a private company can do better. By contrast, authorities should spend money on poverty alleviation or others.
On the basis of the discussion above, I am convinced that governments can do better than private companies, even though the money that governments use is generated by taxation. But, it is important to note that using our tax money to develop science is actually a good way of extending benefits for the well-being of our particular society and of humanity at large.
能不能请专业人士具体的讲一下，任教雅思的老师最好，谢谢
如果有好的答案我会追加分的~~

Answer 1

1. As far as I am concerned, I am in favor of the former view.
这个用法有点问题，我认为我倾向于……！！！ 一般我们说：我认为，sth/sb……。
2.very 不能搭配 crucial ，道理和perfect相似，暗含最高级，前面不能用副词再修饰了。
3.to participate in it 去掉it。
4.furthermore关系副词用错，furthermore=moreover表递进关系。 It is very difficult for citizens to monitor the behaviors of private companies .你这个应该是第二个论点了。和上句应该是并列关系吧，应该用then之类表并列关系连词。如果用递进关系你这几句就有点像：政府比民企更有实力……而且民企很难被监管。感觉这样似乎逻辑有点问题。
5.but is also good for citizens 。直接but for citizenc就好了
6.the above mentioned ，把mentioned 去掉
7.accordingly=therefore=so 所以 因此的意思。逻辑！！！
8.fierce和 benign是一对反义词，如果你想表达可持续应该用sustainable
9.improve the development ，with the improvement/developement of,这两个词意思基本相等，这里翻译过来就成了提高发展，最好说促进boost
10. can be wasteful 这句话主语有问题，你想表达的应该是政府浪费税而不是政府这个机构是一种浪费。
11.by contrast那句后面就没有了吗？ 还应该有一句：诚然……但是……加强你的观点。
12.be generated by 是……由……引起
13.tax money 这个，tax已经包含money 的意思了
14.………………

5.5

Answer 2

96分

Answer 3

6/6.5

Answer 4

第一段可以再好一点儿，感觉有点儿套用模板的感觉。特别是With the development of XXXXX，当时老师说最好别用，十篇文章七八篇都是这么开头的。这篇应该是6分或者6.5分吧。

Answer 5

文笔还不错，结构不太专业，可能有6