Question

ted 失恋后如何修复

Answer 1

TED有位演讲人——心理学博士盖伊•温奇（Guy Winch），美国心理协会成员，温奇博士在《今日心理学》（Psychology Today）杂志网站开设“嘎吱作响的车轮”专栏，受到热烈欢迎，然后出了一本同名书《嘎吱作响的车轮》（The Squeaky Wheel）帮助病人将情绪急救的方法应用到日常生活中。毫无疑问他是研究减轻心理压力方面的专家，也担任主持人并客串脱口秀。
以这个TED演讲来回答一位向我倾述的年轻朋友，收拢一颗破碎的心，挽救一个挣扎的灵魂。 It's difficult, it is a battle within your own mind, and you have to be diligent to win. You can fight. And you will heal.
At some point in our lives, almost every one of us will have our heartbroken.
在人生中的某个时点，几乎每个人，都会遇到心碎的状况。
My patient Kathy planned her wedding when she was in middle school.
我的病人卡西还在中学时就规划了她的婚礼。
She would meet her future husband by age 27, get engaged a year later and get married a year after that.
她遇到未来老公的时间会是在二十七岁时，一年后他们会订婚，再一年后结婚。
But when Kathy turned 27, she didn't find a husband.
但当卡西二十七岁时，她没有找到老公。
She found a lump in her breast.
她找到的，是胸部的肿块。
She went through many months of harsh chemotherapy and painful surgeries, and then just as she was ready to jump back into the dating world, she found a lump in her other breast and had to do it all over again.
她经历了很多个月的辛苦化疗，以及痛苦的手术，接着，就在她准备要跳回来约会的世界时，她在另一边的胸部发现了肿块，整个过程都得再重来一次。
Kathy recovered, though, and she was eager to resume her search fora husband as soon as her eyebrows grew back in.
不过，卡西恢复了，她很热切地想继续寻找她的老公，她打算等眉毛长回来就马上行动。
When you're going on first dates in New York City, you need to be able to express a wide range of emotions.
当你在纽约市去赴第一次约会，你得要有眉毛才能够表现出很多种情绪。
Soon afterwards, she met Rich and fell in love. The relationship was everything she hoped it would be.
没多久之后，她遇见了雷奇，陷入热恋。这段感情完全是她所希望的那样子。
Six months later, after a lovely weekend in New England, Rich made reservations at their favorite romantic restaurant.
六个月之后，在新英格兰度过了 一个美好的周末之后，雷奇订了他们最喜欢的浪漫餐厅。
Kathy knew he was going to propose, and she could barely container excitement.
卡西知道他要求婚了，她兴奋难耐。
But Rich did not propose to Kathy that night. He broke up with her.
但那晚，雷奇并没有向卡西求婚。他和她分手了。
As deeply as he cared for Kathy -- and he did -- he simply wasn't in love.
尽管他对卡西的关心很深 ──他真的关心过──但他就是没有爱上她。
Kathy was shattered.
卡西很震惊。
Her heart was truly broken, and she now faced yet another recovery. But five months after the breakup, Kathy still couldn't stop thinking about Rich.
她的心真的碎了， 她现在又要面临一次复原。但在分手后五个月，卡西仍然无法不去想雷奇。
Her heart was still very much broken.
她的心仍然支离破碎。
The question is: Why?
问题是：为什么？
Why was this incredibly strong and determined woman unable to marshal the same emotional resources that got her through four years of cancer treatments?
为什么这个极度坚强且坚定的女性，没有办法去整理这些和她四年癌症治疗同样的情绪来源？
Why do so many of us flounder when we're trying to recover from heartbreak?
为什么有这么多人试着从心碎中复原时，都那么挣扎？
Why do the same coping mechanisms that get us through all kinds of life challenges fail us so miserably when our heart gets broken?
为什么明明这些处理机制能帮我们走过各种人生中的困难，却在我们的心碎时刻，完全派不上用场？
In over 20 years of private practice, I have seen people of every age and background face every manner of heartbreak, and what I’ve learned is this: when your heart is broken, the same instincts you ordinarily rely on will time and again lead you down the wrong path.
我私人执业的时间超过二十年，我见过各种年龄层、各种背景的人面临各种心碎，而我所学到的是：当你的心碎了，你平常所仰赖的那些直觉会一而再，再而三地引导你走向错误的路。
You simply cannot trust what your mind is telling you.
你就是不能相信你的大脑告诉你的。
For example, we know from studies of heartbroken people that having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended is really important for our ability to move on.
比如，我们从关于心碎的人的研究得知，能清楚了解为什么感情关系会结束是很重要的，可以帮我们走出来向前看。
Yet time and again, when we are offered a simple and honest explanation like the one Rich offered Kathy, we reject it.
然而再一次，当对方给我们一个简单诚实的解释的时候就像雷奇给卡西的解释，我们不愿接受。
Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain, our mind tells us the cause must be equally dramatic.
心碎会造成非常巨大的情绪上的痛苦，我们的大脑告诉我们，它的成因一定也是同等程度的。
And that gut instinct is so powerful, it can make even the most reasonable and measured of us come up with mysteries and conspiracy theories where none exist.
那种直觉十分强大，甚至会让最理性、最慎重的人，都会想出些根本不存在的谜团和阴谋论。
Kathy became convinced something must have happened during her romantic getaway with Rich that soured him on the relationship, and she became obsessed with figuring out what that was.
卡西深信，在她和雷奇浪漫之旅的过程中一定发生了什么事，导致他对这段感情感到不快，而她变得执着在要想出原因是什么。
And so she spent countless hours going through every minute of that weekend in her mind, searching her memory for clues that were not there.
于是，她花了无数小时，在脑中回想那个周末的每一分钟，在记忆中寻找根本不存在的线索。
Kathy's mind tricked her into initiating this wild goose chase. But what compelled her to commit to it for so many months?
卡西的大脑骗了她，让她开始了这场徒劳的追寻。但，是什么强迫她投入这么多个月的时间？
Heartbreak is far more insidious than we realize.
心碎这件事比我们想象的要可怕。
There is a reason we keep going down one rabbit hole after another, even when we know it's going to make us feel worse.
我们一次又一次陷入迷思确实是有原因的，即使我们知道这么做会让我们感觉更糟糕。
Brain studies have shown that the withdrawal of romantic love activates the same mechanisms in our brain that get activated when addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine or opioids.
关于大脑的研究指出，脱离一段爱情所激发的大脑反应机制，和瘾君子要戒可卡因或鸦片所激发的机制是一样的。
Kathy was going through withdrawal.
卡西实际上正在经历戒毒。
And since she could not have the heroin of actually being with Rich, her unconscious mind chose the methadone of her memories with him.
和雷奇分开就像不能再吸食海洛因一样，她下意识地筛选与他有关的记忆，来当做美沙酮麻痹自己。
Her instincts told her she was trying to solve a mystery, but what she was actually doing was getting her fix.
她的直觉告诉她，她是在试着解一个谜团，但她真正在做的事，是给自己注射毒品。
This is what makes heartbreak so difficult to heal.
这就是心碎难以治愈的原因。
Addicts know they're addicted. They know when they're shooting up.
瘾君子知道自己有瘾。他们在注射毒品时是自己有意识的。
But heartbroken people do not. But you do now.
但心碎的人却不知道。但你现在知道了。
And if your heart is broken, you cannot ignore that. You have to recognize that, as compelling as the urge is, with every trip down memory lane, every text you send, every second you spend stalking your ex on social media, you are just feeding your addiction, deepening your emotional pain and complicating your recovery.
如果你的心碎了，你不能忽略它。尽管冲动很难抗拒，你仍必须了解，你每一次的回想，你发出的每一条短信，你花在社交媒体上追踪前任的每一秒钟，都会让自己的毒瘾膨胀，加深你情绪上的痛苦，让你更难恢复。
Getting over heartbreak is not a journey. It's a fight, and your reason is your strongest weapon.
从心碎中走出来不是一次旅行。它是场战斗，而你的理智是你最强的武器。
There is no breakup explanation that's going to feel satisfying. No rationale can take away the pain you feel.
凡是分手，都不会有令人满意的原因。理性推理不会让你减轻痛苦。
So don't search for one, don't wait for one, just accept the one you were offered or make up one yourself and then put the question to rest, because you need that closure to resist the addiction.
所以不用去找理由了，不要再等理由了，就接受你得到的理由吧，不然就自己编一个，之后不再追问，因为你需要不再想他，才能戒掉毒瘾。
And you need something else as well: you have to be willing to let go, to accept that it's over.
你还需要些别的方法：你得要愿意放手，接受感情已经结束这个事实。
Otherwise, your mind will feed on your hope and set you back.
不然，你的大脑会再给你希望，让你无法前进。
Hope can be incredibly destructive when your heart is broken.
当你心碎时，希望是非常有毁灭性的。
Heartbreak is a master manipulator.
心碎是一个操控人心的大师。
The ease with which it gets our mind to do the absolute opposite of what we need in order to recover is remarkable.
它利用舒适当手段，让我们的大脑去做的事，和复原所需要的完全相反，这手段很强大。
One of the most common tendencies we have when our heart is broken is to idealize the person who broke it.
当我们心碎时，最常见的倾向之一，就是会理想化那个让我们心碎的人。
We spend hours remembering their smile, how great they made us feel, that time we hiked up the mountain and made love under the stars.
我们花数小时的时间去回想他们的笑容、那笑容带给我们的感觉有多棒，及我们爬上山在星空下温存的时光。
All that does is make our loss feel more painful.
所有的这些都让分手更痛苦。
We know that.
我们心里明白。
Yet we still allow our mind to cycle through one greatest hit after another, like we were being held hostage by our own passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.
但仍然让我们的大脑不断回放一个又一个美好时刻，我们好像被这Spotify播放器绑架了。
Heartbreak will make those thoughts pop into your mind.
心碎之后总是会回想那些场景。
And so to avoid idealizing, you have to balance them out by remembering their frown, not just their smile, how bad they made you feel, the fact that after the lovemaking, you got lost coming down the mountain, argued like crazy and didn't speak for two days.
为了避免理想化，你得要将它们平衡掉，做法就是回想起他们皱眉的样子，而不只是笑容、他们带给你多不好的感觉，以及在温存后，你们下山时迷了路，吵得非常凶，两天都不说话。
What I tell my patients is to compile an exhaustive list of all the ways the person was wrong for you, all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves, and then keep it on your phone.
我告诉我的病人，列一份详尽的清单，列出这个人做的所有错事、所有不好的特质、所有惹你恼火的事，然后把那清单放在手机里。
And once you have your list, you have to use it.
一旦你列出了清单，你得要使用它。
When I hear even a hint of idealizing or the faintest whiff of nostalgiain a session, I go, "Phone, please."
当我一旦察觉病人开始理想化，或仅仅在讨论中出现一点点思念之情，我会说：「请拿出手机。」
Your mind will try to tell you they were perfect. But they were not, and neither was the relationship.
你的大脑会试着告诉你他们很完美。但他们并不完美，这段感情也不完美。
And if you want to get over them, you have to remind yourself of that, frequently.
如果你想要熬过去，你就得时常提醒自己这件事。
None of us is immune to heartbreak.
我们所有人都不能避免心碎。
My patient Miguel was a 56-year-old senior executive in a software company. Five years after his wife died, he finally felt ready to start dating again.
我的病人米格，五十六岁，是软件公司的高阶主管。在他的太太过世五年后，他终于觉得准备好可以开始再次约会了。
He soon met Sharon, and a whirlwind romance ensued.
他很快就遇到了沙伦，接着展开热恋。
They introduced each other to their adult children after one month, and they moved in together after two months.
一个月后，他们把彼此介绍给对方的成年子女认识，两个月后，他们住到一起。
When middle-aged people date, they don't mess around. It's like “Love, Actually" meets "The Fast and the Furious."
中年人约会不浪费时间。这就像《真爱至上》 遇见《速度与激情》。
Miguel was happier than he had been in years. But the night before their first anniversary, Sharon left him.
米格比过去几年来都更快乐。但在他们一周年的前一晚，沙伦离开了他。
She had decided to move to the West Coast to be closer to her children, and she didn't want a long-distance relationship.
她决定搬到西岸，离她的孩子们近一点，而她不想谈远距离恋爱。
Miguel was totally blindsided and utterly devastated. He barely functioned at work for many, many months, and he almost lost his job as a result.
米格在毫无防备下受到打击，彻底身心交瘁。许多许多个月，他几乎无法工作，结果他差点丢了饭碗。
Another consequence of heartbreak is that feeling alone and in pain can significantly impair our intellectual functioning, especially when performing complex tasks involving logic and reasoning. It temporarily lowers our IQ.
心碎的另一个后果，就是孤独和痛苦的感受，能显著破坏我们的智力运作，特别是在进行涉及逻辑和推理的复杂工作时。它会让我们的智商暂时下降。
But it wasn't just the intensity of Miguel's grief that confused his employers; it was the duration.
但让米格的同事感到困惑的，不只是他的悲伤强度，还有其持续时间之长。
Miguel was confused by this as well and really quite embarrassed by it.
米格自己也对此感到困惑，且因此觉得很不好意思。
"What's wrong with me?" he asked me in our session. "What adult spends almost a year getting over a one-year relationship?"
「我是怎么搞的？」 心理治疗时他这样问我。「什么样的成人会花几乎一年才能忘怀只维持一年的感情？」
Actually, many do.
其实，很多成人都如此。
Heartbreak shares all the hallmarks of traditional loss and grief: insomnia, intrusive thoughts, immune system dysfunction. Forty percent of people experience clinically measurable depression.
心碎，有着失去和悲伤的所有共性：失眠、烦扰的想法、免疫系统紊乱。百分之四十的人群经历过临床可测的抑郁。
Heartbreak is a complex psychological injury. It impacts us in multitude of ways.
心碎是一种复杂的心理创伤。它以许多方式影响着我们。
For example, Sharon was both very social and very active. She had dinners at the house every week. She and Miguel went on camping trips with other couples.
比如，沙伦非常乐于社交，也非常活跃。每周她都会在家中办晚餐会。她和米格会和其他情侣或夫妻一起外出露营。
Although Miguel was not religious, he accompanied Sharon to church every Sunday, where he was welcomed into the congregation.
虽然米格没有宗教信仰，每个星期日他会陪沙伦去教堂，他受邀加入圣会。
Miguel didn't just lose his girlfriend; he lost his entire social life, the supportive community of Sharon's church. He lost his identity as a couple.
米格失去的不只是他的女友；他失去了他的整个社交生活，沙伦所在教会的支持性团体。他失去了身为「一对」的身份。
Now, Miguel recognized the breakup had left this huge void in his life, but what he failed to recognize is that it left far more than just one.
米格了解到，这次分手让他的人生留下了一个大空缺，但他没有发现，留下的空缺其实不只一个。
And that is crucial, not just because it explains why heartbreak could be so devastating, but because it tells us how to heal.
那是很关键的一点，不单单因为它能解释为什么心碎这么让人身心交瘁，也因为它告诉我们如何能治愈。
To fix your broken heart, you have to identify these voids in your life and fill them, and I mean all of them.
要修补你破碎的心，你得要辨识出你人生中的那些空缺，并将之填补起来，我指的是全部的空洞。
The voids in your identity: you have to reestablish who you are and what your life is about.
也包括在你个人身份中的空缺：你需要重新确认你是谁，你生活的意义。
The voids in your social life, the missing activities, even the empty spaces on the wall where pictures used to hang.
你社交生活中的空缺：错过的活动，甚至是拿走照片后墙上的空白。
But none of that will do any good unless you prevent the mistakes that can set you back, the unnecessary searches for explanations, idealizing your ex instead of focusing on how they were wrong for you, indulging thoughts and behaviors that still give them a starring role in this next chapter of your life when they shouldn't be an extra.
但这些都不会有用，但是除非不犯让你变得消极的错误，不要一直去找没必要的解释，不关注前任的错误，反而将他理想化，总想着TA有多闪耀，总让他们在你接下来的人生里扮演重要角色，他们其实只是人生的配角了。
Getting over heartbreak is hard, but if you refuse to be misled by your mind and you take steps to heal, you can significantly minimize your suffering.
度过心碎是很难的，但如果你拒绝被你的直觉误导，且开始采取措施治愈自己，你就能最小化你的痛苦。
And it won't just be you who benefit from that. You'll be more present with your friends, more engaged with your family, not to mention the billions of dollars of compromised productivity in the workplace that could be avoided.
受惠的不只有你。你会更多地跟朋友相处，和家人更紧密，更不用说在工作上因为生产力降低而造成的数十亿损失，那是可避免的。
So if you know someone who is heartbroken, have compassion, because social support has been found to be important for their recovery.
所以，如果你认识一个正在经历心碎的人，要有同理心，因为研究发现，别人的帮助和支持能够帮他们更好地恢复。
And have patience, because it's going to take them longer to move on than you think it should.
要有耐心，因为要让他们继续前进，花的时间会比你预期的还长。
And if you're hurting, know this: it's difficult, it is a battle within your own mind, and you have to be diligent to win.
如果你正在受伤，要知道这一点：要走出来其实非常难，它是你内心中的一场战斗，你必须全力以赴才能获胜。
But you do have weapons. You can fight. And you will heal.
但你确实是有武器的。你可以抗争的。你最终一定会走出来。