求大神批改雅思7 test2大作文谢谢
The emotions and considerations related to criminals should not influence the decisions for punishment for criminals which is not fair to the victims. If the criminals are sentenced slightly for various reasons, the rights of victims will be violated. Although some criminals are unwilling to commit a crime, it has no relationship with innocent victims. They don’t care about the crime excuse because the harrowing results and hurts were caused which put their lives under the shadow. Additionally, obeying the law is the lowest requirement for citizens, thus criminals do not have the right to be treated as most citizens.
The punishment without considering the circumstances and motivation will be a model to educate society. If punishments are fewer when the criminals have personal reasons, it will cause a misconception the crimes with considering excuses are not as harmful as those without reasons. It may encourage people who struggle with life to commit a crime with a fluke mind. The deterrent force of punishment will be weakened. The crimes will tell their miserable experience to gain others’ sympathies to get fewer punishments which are harmful to the legal system.
However, some opponents may argue that people who commit with considerable motivation and circumstance are different from those who don’t have. Punishing them samely will be too cruel. In my opinion, although these people are not willing to disobey the law, they finally chose to hurt others for themselves. Essentially, there is no difference between the two kinds of criminals.
In conclusion, the punishment should be fixed for each type of crime. Any consideration of the circumstances and the motivation will cause unfairness to victims and affect the legal system negatively. 展开
1. 第一段立论中关键词crime使用有问题：All kinds of crimes are committed against the law(s) and should be punished with no doubt！建议将crime改成offence(s)或wrong-doing(s).
2. 第二段第一句which is not fair使用不当（which指代不清），应改成as otherwise it is not fair. 下一句slightly改成underweigh或用短语with due punishment；而right(s)是不能用violate(d)修饰的，建议改成the rights of the victims will be infringed/will not be duely protected.
3. 下一句有几个问题：①从句时态使用不当，“当时可能不…”应使用虚拟语气might have been…；②unwilling使用不当，这里应该使用(do/did sth on purpose)；③criminals和crime有很大几率被认为是措辞重复，可以将crime换成offence；④has no relationship with措辞不当。建议将这句改成
It is true that some of the criminals might not have committed their offences on purpose. But that has nothing to do with the innocent victims.
4. 下一句They指代不清，建议改成The victims or their families(之所以加or…，是因为victims有可能已经死了)。下一句obeying措辞不当，obey意思是“顺从”而非“遵从”，应改成abiding by. 在thus前后是两句话，应该将,thus改成Thus；do not have the right措辞不当，建议改成should not be treated或should not be liable to being treated.
5. 第三段第一句motivation要变成复数，society要改成people.下一句没听懂要表达什么意思。最后一句which前应加逗号，即改成非限制性定语从句。
6. 第四段第一句cimmit应加宾语；those who don't have措辞不当，可以改成those without，以便与前面的with-短语相呼应。
7. 下一句samely措辞有问题，到底怎么个same法(是with the same level of penalty还是什么)要说清楚。
注：建议题主丰富法律专用词汇。比如，在谈“惩罚/处罚/刑罚”时，除了使用punishment，还可以用penalty，甚至是名词性从句what they deserve. 谈“罪犯”时，除了criminal，有时也可以用offender、culprit等。同时要注意大众词汇的使用，如本文最后的affect the legal system negatively 就可以说成do harm to the legal system.
拙见，未必妥当，仅供参考。不妥之处请指正。
太感谢了。大神！！！
第一条其实我的点是那个fixed punishment, 就是关于每种刑事犯罪是不是要有固定的惩罚措施。
第五条我的意思是，如果因为罪犯的个人原因导致处罚变轻，这就会向大众传递一种错误思想，就是有理由的犯罪造成的伤害不会那么大，然后那些生活不如意的人就会有侥幸心理去犯罪，那样的话，刑罚的震慑作用就会变小。罪犯会通过向他人讲述自己的悲惨经历以获得同情，那样的话法律系统就会被破坏。
