Question

雅思写作大作文一篇，请热心的英语高手帮忙指正。

本人在一小时之内写的一篇雅思大作文，请英语好的朋友帮忙修改一下。

Title:

Schools should teach children some academic subjects which will be beneficial to their future career. Therefore, other subjects such as music and sports are not important. Do you agree or disagree?

For a long time people have been disputing with each other upon an appealing debate with regard to univeristies ought to offer more academic curriculums to students with a view to enhance their future career developemnt. Some individuals contend that schools are supposed to afford a wider range of courses including music and sports. However, from my own perspective, the integrated education should be provided by higher education.

To begin with, the comprehensive education, on some occasions, may accommodate the diverse needs of students. If someone among the class has great talent in music, he could realise his advantages and interests timely and accept formal education and guidance through music tuition. By contrast, if schools only afford a narrow range of subjects perhaps many talented children would be ignored and trigger considerable damage to the society.

In addition, the integrated education, under certain circumstances, may enable to foster students to be versatile and improve their career competitiveness. With the society has become diversification, the simple talents could not adapt new conditions and meet the demands of society. Consequently, university as a primary educational channel, it is important that providing various subjects to learners and render them to be the all-round talents.

Admittedly, the wider range of subjects, on some occasions, may possess potentil drawbacks. To certain extent the comprehensive education is lack of professional guidances and practical-oriented trainning. On consequence, those who intent to find the job direct after graduation may encounter some problems related to professional aspects.

In a nutshell, I would concede that the integrated education is not without its downsides. Despite that the benefits provided by the comprehensive education far surpass its disadvantages. Overall, I am convinced that schools are more appropriate to fford a wider range of subjects.

Answer 1

句子太长的话，不仅不会加分，反而会让人觉得冗长影响整体分数。比如：For a long time people have been disputing with each other upon an appealing debate with regard to univeristies ought to offer more academic curriculums to students with a view to enhance their future career development 这句话就有点长了，导致中间的结果不明显。