Question

热心人士帮帮忙~

能否帮我看下写的托福作文有什么问题？

涨老师工资是最好的挺高教育质量的方法？

Education can be a permanent discussion in people’s life. A general debate whether the best way to improve the quality of education is to increase the teachers' salary has prevailed for a long time. Many people agree with the issue, saying that teachers have the direct relationship to the students. Others disapprove the fact owing to several other things which are important to the education. From my perspective, the salary can be an important factor to the education, but not the essential one.

It is self-evident that teachers play a crucial role in education. Once the salary of teachers rises, they, directly or indirectly, will pay more attention to their work, which is connected with students. And the students, who get more care, and therefore, will increase the ambition in study. This can be aptly exemplified by my cousin, who is a primary student. Because of their parents' work, he had to transfer to another school, whose fee is higher than the school before, and the more fees are distributed to the teachers. My cousin in that school has improved a lot not only on his study, but also on his confidence and independence. So, the increasing money to the teacher is tightly concerned about the education.

However, there are also many other factors which make devotion to education such as the policy of the country, the participation of the parents and the students. Whether a country’s education is successful or not is a considerably relied on the nation's policy. My country was once a poor country and so was education. However, the leaders of our nation realized that education was a vital essence in the development of a country. They started the policy "nine-year fundamental education", and this really remarkably exercises a beneficial influence on education. Of equal importance is that the parents should take part in the education. They can help their children on both the physical and psychological development, which are important to students. Thirdly, the students themselves, to a large extent, decide whether they study well or not. The factor such as the diligence and the likeness of the students on study also has great connection to education. Hence, the three facts all make contribution to the education.

According to the whole environment of education, to raise the teacher’s salary is an effective and efficient way to nourish the education. However, many more elements such as the policy and the emphasis of parents and students also make sense on the improvement of education. Therefore, the enhancement of teachers' salary is important to the quality of education, but not the best way.

Answer 1

this really remarkably exercises a beneficial influence这个有点问题
写作this has made great impact on it ever since authority realized the value of education.
they started the policy "nine-year fundamental education"改为they initialed nine-year compulsory education program.
both the physical and psychological development那个the是多余的
cousin的例子和主旨没什么逻辑关系，凑得不够近
我试着改写为以下(这段本身也有一些小问题，如So, the increasing money to the teacher is tightly concerned about the education，实在是太别扭了，还不如higher wage）
This can be aptly exemplified by my cousin,an elementry student who
has recently transfered to a new school due to family reason.The school has earned a fame for its elite style which is well connected with the intense participation of teachers.Teachers are well paid for their work which brings more concentration to it.
It is quite amazing to see how my cousin has improved both academically and psychologically.
结尾句(这一段写的甚糟，得大动筋骨，小错误多，如make sense to,不一一列举）

Therefore, the enhancement of teachers' salary is important to the quality of education, but not the best way.前后不对应，这算是大问题，英文里是要求严格对应的。

这文章其实写的还算可以，
该注意的是词汇的多样性，important用的太多了，有些地方还不甚地道。
还有冠词的用法注意规范，除了上面说的那一处还有一些，不一而足