Question

雅思作文，求修改建议并评分~~谢谢

Subject ：As technology develops, more shopping and business is done through the internet while communication face to face becomes less frequent. Is this a positive or a negative development?

Today，human civilisation has leapt into a hi-tech age, which means increasing individuals gradually tend to interest in online shopping, as well as online business. As a consequence, there are less opportunities for “face to face” communication among the individuals.

There is no doult that a new business model, the e-business, has penetrated into the various aspects of people’s life, which benefits us a lot, not only in terms of business but also in terms of customers. More precisely, doing business online definitely could afford a tremendous market, which would stimulate the sales of products to a large extent. Also, with the powerful Internet, the time is shrunk and the efficiency is boosted, offering a prominent advantage to the business at the moment, when the time and the efficiency is considered as funds in the keen battlefield of commerce. On the other hand, online shopping surely has become a sweeping trend which sways numourous buyers’ consuming notion, as well as shaped a rapid brand-new approach for consuming. As is known to us, the products online are always cheaper, and it is more convenient for us to find the things in need, regardless of time and places.

However, the boosting of e-business has given rise to the decline of “face to face” contacts in real life. Thus, some people fear that this fact probably would alienate people from each other, for that the virtual Internet could not support the relations. But overall, to keep relations, whether could meet frequently or not does not matter, what matters is our sincereness.

My view is that it is such an excellent approach trading online, which seems to be more economical and practical, and it would be better if pepole could perfect it and promote it.

Any advice is appreciated! thanks~~~

Answer 1

1.首先，在雅思作文中是不提倡在文章末尾才提出自己的观点的。这样做确实很有特色，我以前也经常这么干。但是你要想，考官面对那么多份卷子，怎么可能一篇篇仔细看。他只能扫一眼，看每段的中心意思，有没有离题，词汇怎么样。就像高考的作文试卷一样。所以考官没有时间也没有心思看我们所精心布置的悬念之类的东西。在这一点上，还是建议你不要独树一帜。

2.之所以劝你不要在文章最后才提出观点，是因为我相信你的文笔已经足够可以引起考官的注意。语言很流畅，很优美。不过有一个地方建议你改一下，有一点经不起推敲........increasingly individuals gradually....最好是把gradually去掉。因为increasingly本来就是一个渐进的过程，再用gradually显得很累赘。也许是我咬文嚼字了。

3.我觉得你的连接词是比较标准的，also,on the other hand...这些已经够用了。我可以把思路看得很清楚。

4.你的整体结构很标准，除了观点表述以外。另外作为一篇雅思作文来说，字数已经够了。所以在这点上我不同意楼上的意见。至于例子的话，如果有好的比较广为人知的例子可以使用，但是在考场上，时间比较短，实在想不到就按照楼主这么写就行了。这毕竟是要求写一篇比较短的文章，有时候写例子反而费时又显得文章整体body太重，其他地方又太轻。

其实见人如见文。看过这篇文章，总觉得你应该是一个很有功底的人，而且应该比我大。呵呵。我相信如果是考场上面写出这样一篇文章，得分应该是6.5~7...

Answer 2

总的说来，你的用词和句子还不错，用到了不少高级词汇。不过还有一些地方有待提高咯，下面是我的一些建议，希望对你有帮助哈。
1、我觉得在首段最好先讲明自己的观点，不然就给读者一个猜测的心理在读你的文章（当时专八作文老师是这样给我们说的咯）
2、我不清楚雅思作文字数有何要求，不过你的段落太少，专八400字，老师说最好除开头和结尾中间部分分3段，不然段落少每段必定很长，句与句关系层次更容易出错。所谓的壮美而畸形。。。嘿嘿
3、最好用上连接段落的连接词咯，比如to begin with, what's more, in addition...这样更一目了然。
4、在阐述自己观点时，可采用举例论证咯，毕竟事实胜于雄辩嘛，这样更有说服力还增加字数呢，不然说理感觉很干瘪。
此上乃本人之拙见，望于尔有用。^_^