Question

急求英语小笑话、小幽默、名言（全是英语）！！明天下午就要交了！！谢谢！！

Answer 1

名言
Adversity reveals genius; fortune conceals it. (Horace, ancient Roman poet)
苦难显才华，好运隐天资。(古罗马诗人 贺拉斯)

Almost any situation---good or bad ---is affected by the attitude we bring to. (Lucius Annaus Seneca, Ancient Roman philosopher)
差不多任何一种处境——无论是好是坏——都受到我们对待处境的态度的影响。(古罗马哲学家 西尼加 L A)

Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it. (Hellen Keller, American writer)
虽然世界多苦难，但是苦难总是能战胜的(美国作家 海伦·凯勒)

Rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation. (John Kennedy, American president)
从希望中得到欢乐，在苦难中保持坚韧。(美国总统 肯尼迪 J)

Sweet are the uses of adversity.(William Shakspeare,British Playwriter)
苦尽甘来。(英国剧作家 莎士比亚 W)

I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after. (Ernest Hemingway, USA writer)
我只知道所谓道德是指你事后觉得好的东西，所谓不道德是指你事后觉得不好的东西。(美国作家 海明威.E.)

Morality is the herd instinct in the individual. (German Philosopher)
道德是个人心目中的群居本能。(德国哲学家 尼采.F.)

Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind. (william shakewspeare British dramalist)
如果送礼的人不是出于真心，再贵重的礼物也会失去它的价值。(英国剧作家 莎 士比亚. W)

nothing in the world is impossible if you set your mind to do it 有志者事竟成
never put off till tomorrow what you can do today
今日事,今日毕
the early bird catches the worm 早到的鸟儿有虫吃
it's better than never 有总比没有好
Pain past is pleasure.
过去的痛苦即快乐。
All things are difficult before they are easy.
凡事必先难后易。
Nothing is impossible to a willing heart.
心之所愿，无事不成。
Where there is life, there is hope.
有生命必有希望。
I feel strongly that I can make it.
我坚信我一定能成功。
Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
与其诅咒黑暗，不如燃起蜡烛。
The shortest answer is doing.
最简短的回答就是行动。
Four short words sum up what has lifted most successful individuals above the crowd: a little bit more.
成功的秘诀就是四个简单的字：多一点点。
Great minds think alike.英雄所见略同
One picture is worth a thousand wards.百闻不如一见
Nothing ventured,nothing gained.不入虎穴，焉得虎子。
Life is full of ups and dowms.生活充满起伏。
It's no use crying over spilt milk./What's done cannot be undone.覆水难收
The grass is greener on the other side of the fence.隔岸风景好；邻家芳草绿。
Hunger is the best sauce.饥饿是最好的调味品
Better late than never.迟做总比不做好。
God helps those who help themselves.天助自助者。
Love me,love my dog.爱屋及乌
He bites off more than he can chew.贪多嚼不烂
To teach a fish how to swim.孔子面前卖文章。
Rome wasn't built in a day.伟业非一业建成。
Well begun,half done.好的开始是成功的一半
Every cloud has a silver lining.否极泰来
Look before you leap.三思而后行。
Birds of a feather flock together.物以类聚
A little knowledge is dangerous.一知半解最危险
Clothes make the man.人要衣装，佛要金装
A good medicine tastes bitter.良药苦口
History repeats itself.历史会重演
Strike while the iron is hot.趁热打铁

The suptreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved -----------------------Victor Hugo
人生最大的幸福是坚信有人爱我们------维克多 雨果
Cultured and fine manners are everywhere a passport to regard -----------------Johnson
得体的，高尚的举止常常是通行无阻得护照-----约翰逊What you love on the swings you get back on the roundabouts
失之东隅收之桑榆
Happiness does not drop from the sky ,it's to be created by our hands幸福不是从天上掉下来的，而要用双手来创造
No man lives without jostling and being jostled ,in all ways he has to elbow himself through the world giving and receiving offence ----------------Thomas Carlyle
没有人在生活中能与别人碰撞，他不得不以各种方式奋力挤过人群，冒犯别人的同时也忍受着别人的冒犯 ----------------托马斯 卡莱尔
Thought is the seed of action -----------------Emerson思想是行动的种子
笑话:
Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”

Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "

Notes:
(1) inform v.告诉
(2) nest n.窝；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓励
(5) resemble v. 相似；类似

18.鸟窝与头发
我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。
“是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。
“我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。
“那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。
“哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”

I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。

我刚咬破自己的舌头
“我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。
“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？”
“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”

A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"

摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”

英语笑话（一）

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

A: By treading on his corn?

如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？

Q: What do people do in a clock factory?

A: They make faces all day.

一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

A: Keep him awake.

怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。

英语笑话（二）

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一个大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。

-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？

-- 墓地守墓人。

英语笑话（三）

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

它们是从美国直接带来的

一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。

这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”

英语笑话（四）my little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不识字

布朗夫人：哦，

亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！

史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！

布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”

英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner

-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

-- Well, bring me the winner then.

给我那个打赢的吧

-- 服务员，

这个龙虾只有一只爪。

-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。

-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。

英语笑话（六）The mean man's party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

吝啬鬼请客

一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”

“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。

Answer 2

Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”

Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "

Notes:
(1) inform v.告诉
(2) nest n.窝；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓励
(5) resemble v. 相似；类似

18.鸟窝与头发
我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。
“是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。
“我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。
“那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。
“哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”

I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。

我刚咬破自己的舌头
“我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。
“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？”
“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”

A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"

摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”

英语笑话（一）

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

A: By treading on his corn?

如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？

Q: What do people do in a clock factory?

A: They make faces all day.

一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

A: Keep him awake.

怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。

英语笑话（二）

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一个大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。

-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？

-- 墓地守墓人。

英语名言
A bad conscience is a snake in one's heart.
做贼心虚。
A bad workman quarrels with his tools.
拙匠常怨工具差。
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
双鸟在林不如一鸟在手。
A bird is known by its note, and a man by his talk.
闻其歌知其鸟，听其言知其人。
A blind man who leans against a wall imagines that it's the boundary of the world.
坐井观天。
Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.
相聚爱益切，离别情更深。
A burnt child dreads the fire.
一朝被蛇咬，十年怕井绳。
Accidents will happen.
天有不测风云。
A clean hand wants no washing.
身正不怕影子斜。
A clear conscience is a soft pillow.
问心无愧，高枕无忧。
A clear conscience is a sure card.
光明磊落，胜券在握。
A clear conscience laughs at false accusations.
白日不做亏心事，夜半敲门心不惊。
A clear fast is better than a dirty breakfast.
宁为清贫，不为浊富。
A close mouth catches no flies.
病从口入，祸从口出。
A cock is valiant on his own dunghill.
夜郎自大。

Answer 3

The mean man's party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

吝啬鬼请客

一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”

“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。