Question

那位高手能帮我批改一下雅思作文，这是本人的处女作，毛病可能很多，希望有高手能帮帮小弟彻底修改一下!

给个分数，最好能提一点实质性意见，本人不胜感激！！！
topic:some people think music is just a form of entertainment while others think it playsmore important roles .Discuss

Currently,music has played an essential role in the general public of living . One of the best funduction is that music —classical music or modern music—can relax their
bodies and ease their minds , even ease patients" pain . However , some persons only define it as a form of entertainment , while others assert that music has a deep
influence to people .
To some laymen , who can not understand the theories of music or the methology of
using ,music has to be regarded as amusement . They will feel relaxed hearing light music and lifeful when hot music is coming . However it has been enough to them so long as music can offer them happiness or forget worries within the rush of modern life .
Of course , many profession such as musicans and music teachers , have different preception of music . Through professional knowledge and background , they may realize the meaning author wants to experss so that there are getting a clear perspective of what is the beauty of living quality through releasing album . In other
words , music brings great profit to them and has been becoming an integard part of them.
To sum up , I do believe that music as a pattern of entertainment is adapted by folks , but it must to recongnise that music does to be a significant part for special persons.
我知道字数偏少，大概260多字，这个问题我会好好解决的，这个就先不算影响分数的原因吧
TO sum up 为最后一段，打的有点不清晰
我是诚心和大家交流，要的是具体的修改和改进，对于浮夸的话还是不要说得好，越真实越好

Answer 1

本人才疏学浅，抱以探讨学习态度拜读，仅供参考，谢谢
第一段：1、“—classical music or modern music—”中的“—”应改成逗号，英文中的插入语格式不和中文一样。
2、“some persons”应改为“some people”
3、“a deep influence to people”应为“a deep influence on people”,to后面接物，不接人。
4、while在此处表转折，但“while”后的句意是：其他人认为音乐对人有深远影响（influence是中性稍偏褒义的“影响”），貌似和之前的音乐为人减轻痛苦都数音乐的积极意义，转折意图不明显
第二段：1、“has to be regarded”有不得不的意味，应用“has been regarded”
2、relax本身就是形容词，feel relax hearing即可，relaxed则是另外一个意思，不能混用
3、they will feel不妥，will表将来，虽然when hot music is coming看起来像“好音乐到来之时”，有将来的意味，但在这里没有强调在未来的某个时刻到来，coming只表伴随，人们不是将来会感觉轻松，用they feel 即可
4、lifeful一般形容物，不行容人
5、在music作主语时，forget修饰的是music，不能说音乐忘记了什么，只能说music help us forget
第三段：1、musicians算artists，不算profession
2、主语为profession时动词不能用have，musicians、music teachers只表修饰，不是真正意义上的主语，不能说许多职业有对音乐的不同感知能力
3、“there are getting a clear perspective”中are换成is
4、“music brings great profit”中profit要加s
5、“but it must to recongnise”recognise要被动
总的说来，比我第一次犯的错误少很多，继续努力，成功在即

Answer 2

要到6，5还是有难度的。。。。。

Answer 3

你这篇能到6.5，老兄不错~！