Question

帮忙改下我的雅思大作文吧··题目是关于 大学各专业是否应该招收同等数量的男女学生 上次作文只有5分

希望这次能到6 详细点改下我的作文··和我说下需要提高的地方 谢谢
The development of higher education enables the female students to have the access reserving the high-quality education. However, whether the universities should accept the same number of male and female students in different faculties attach people’s concern. As I see it, the enrollments should be equal towards male and female students.

Admittedly, the gender makes the male and female students having enormous difference in the field which they are good at. For instance, male students are superior to female students in engineering and science, while they are inferior to female students in language and arts.

However, this difference could not be the excuse for restricting the number of male or female students in certain discipline, and it is great significant to have the same number of male or female students in the universities. First and foremost, the new technology, such as computer and internet, bridge the gap much more smaller than before. Before the computer was invented, it makes the female students hard to understand the geometry, but now, with the help of computer software, female students can solve the problems as efficiency as male students, and the same thing happen in the male students studying language. More over, the sexual imbalance in certain discipline may causes the problem that some occupation is dominated by male or female.

In a nutshell, although there is great different between male and female students in the disciplines they like, the universities should offer them the same opportunity to choose their major. On a deep level, human beings have the right to decide what they like to do, rather than to restrict it.

Answer 1

我试试。你的文章明显有很多语法问题。感觉给你5分是有道理的，别生气啊！以下我的纠正主要是侧重于语法方面的。文章的组织方面变动不大。

The development of higher education enables more female students to have access to high-quality education. However, the popular concern is whether universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in different faculties. As I see it, the enrollments should be on par towards male and female students.

Admittedly, male and female students have enormous differences in the fields which they are good at. For instance, male students are superior in engineering and science, while they are inferior in languages and arts.

However, the differences should not become the excuse for restricting the number of male or female students in certain disciplines, and it is quite significant to have the same numbers of both in universities. First and foremost, new technologies, such as computer and internet, ahve made the gap much more smaller than before. Before computer was invented, female students found it hard to understand geometry. But now, with the help of computer software, female students can solve the problems as efficiently as their male counterparts, and likewise in the case of male students studying languages. Moreover, the sexual imbalance in certain disciplines may cause the problem that some occupations are dominated by a single sex.

In a nutshell, although there is great difference between male and female students in the disciplines they like, universities should offer them equal opportunities to choose their major. In essence, human beings have the individual rights to decide what they like to do.

大致如此吧。感觉你真的需要更加努力。