Question

雅思作文：哪位高手能帮我仔细修改一下作文？这是本人第二次写雅思作文，最好能给个合理的分数，谢谢

topic: Some people believe that children should be allowed to stay at home and play until they are six or seven years old . Others believe that it is important for children to go to school as soon as possible. What do you think are the advantages of attending school from a young age?

内容：
Currently , more and more people prefer their children to attend school when they are pretty young . I ,indeed, do believe that there are a multitude of strengths to their physical and mental well—being .

First of all , a vast number of great educational resources such as well—trained teachers and specialized facilities are offered within schools , which may expend their outlook and gain knowledge more scientifically. Specifically, these teachers can motivate them to develop their interest and specialty and help them build self-esteem since young. Therefore, children not only relax their bodies and ease minds ,but also there will be a strong basement for learning in the future .Maybe they can attain more excellent academic performance than others who stay always at home.
In addition to this, children can learn how to cooperate with others .For instance, as a individual of students who come from different areas sometimes is difficult to complete a mission teachers arrange to them. Therefore, they need comminute with others and finish it together. Moreover, at least to define, keeping students at school when he was a child ,folks actually relieve more or less burdens so that they have enough time to deal with living or work of their own.
Although there are so many advantages for children, excessive schooling may lower freedom which a child should have been had . If they are arranged most time to attend school even not a little freedom ,he may get a contrary result .
To sum up ,going to school early make great contribution in enhancing the development of students ,but a proper form must be outlined .In another word, although their children need time for themselves ，parents can keep their children at kidgardon for adapting to formal schooling in advance .
本人诚心和大家交流，希望高手能仔细阅读，给个实质性的意见。不太喜欢听浮夸的话，真实！真实！ 注意：我要知道的是与这篇作文有关的内容，一些没必要的细节不要挑剔了，当然我也很感谢

Answer 1

我个人觉得还不错，大约在5.5到6吧，基本就是这样的。语法错误不多，建议和剑雅范文比较一下看看

Answer 2

我雅思作文6分，没多高，仅供参考
细节问题
第一段：
第一句 prefer sb to do 错的 中国式英语
第二句 indeed和do 都是强调 不要一起用 后面 multitude 修饰 strength 是否可用待考
第二段：
第一句，非限制性定语从句后的they指代不清，。。。。

以此类推，楼主的语法惨不忍睹，本来想全挑出来，结果每句都有问题。
前两个论据不错，不过既然谈优点，最好能有三个论据，饱满一些，三个论据之间最好有逻辑的联系，比如学校的好处，老师的好处，同学的好处，不要把三段割裂开来写，感觉彼此之间没联系，逻辑在写作中很重要。

抛开语法，从观点上来看：

Answer 3

小鬼，你标点符号写得不对啊。英文的标点符号都是半角的标点，不用全角，标点前不要空格，标点后空一格。连字符不要写成波折号。