Question

雅思写作大作文求批改，给我讲下具体的错误和需要改进的地方，给我个建议。

Some people support the development in agriculture such as factory farming and creations of new types of fruits and vegetables while others oppose this view. What is your view?

Nowadays, people are content with blessings brought by modern farming, whereas there have been problems caused by people abusing or getting obsessed by these methods, which lead to the argument that whether the downside of modern farming outweighs their positive aspects. As far as I am concerned, these modern farming provide people with various benefits as well as potential drawbacks.

The benefits resulted from application of modern agriculture are manifold. Thanks to the factory farming, farmers abandon their traditional way of cultivation, which is a limit to the productivity and efficiency. Now, the agriculture production is produced in the more effective way, which can feed more people. It is hardly to imagine that if there is no factory farming, most of people will be starved and live in poverty. Moreover, the biotechnology, one of the most incredible new technologies, has been transforming the traditional idea about agriculture. Scientist could use this technology to create a new type of creature. For instance, scientist could insert the apple’s gene into that of pear, cultivating a new fruit named “ app-ar”, thereby promoting the development of agriculture.

Admittedly, this staggering advancement of modern agriculture is inevitably accompanied by some drawbacks. To begin with, some new technology produced fruit, such as transgenic food, may have a detrimental influence upon health. Specifically, our body may be allergic to certain gene which was inserted into the transgenic food. In addition, the modern agriculture poses a treat to the ecosystem and to the farmland. The over-irrigation and over-fertilization has been eroded a host of farmland which need a period of one or two decades to recover. It not only endangers the land, but also wastes valuable water and resources.

In conclusion, modern inventions bring people the great significance of living and economic prosperity as well as negative repercussions. Thus, people should utilize this method in a proper way to avoid the downside while taking advantage of the benefits.

Answer 1

Thanks to the factory farming, farmers abandon their traditional way of cultivation, which is a limit to the productivity and efficiency.
这句话改成：Farmers are forced to abandon their traditional way of cultivation,because the factory is limited to the produtivity and efficieny.这句话表因果关系。

It is hardly to imagine that if there is no factory farming, most of people will be starved and live in poverty.
这句话表述不好，改成：We could imagine if there is no factory industrial,the marjority of poeple will be starved to death.

Moreover, the biotechnology, one of the most incredible new technologies, has been transforming the traditional idea about agriculture.
这句话表达方式错误，改成：Therefore, the biltechnology,on of the most incredible new technologies, which has been transformed the traditional ideas about agriculture.
这里是非限制性的定语从句，前面的短语是对这种技术的解释，后面的是定语从句。

Scientist could use this technology to create a new type of creature.
这里的词不能用create,改成：search for

To begin with, some new technology produced fruit, such as transgenic food, may have a detrimental influence upon health.
这句改成：Firstly, some new technology are put into fruit,such as: transgenic food, which may have a crucial influence upon health.
这里要改成被动语态，因为是技术被投入使用。
In addition, the modern agriculture poses a treat to the ecosystem and to the farmland.
你的用词不好，改成：In addition to this, the modern agriculture porpose a treatment to the ecoysystem and the farmland.
这里表并列，不要后面的to

In conclusion, modern inventions bring people the great significance of living and economic prosperity as well as negative repercussions.

In conclusion, modern inventions bring people with great significance of living and ecomomic prosperity, but it also bring negative repercussions as well.

文章大体上没有问题，只是小问题有一些：如，语态，单复数，成分缺乏等。