Question

雅思作文求批改评分

Topic: The society is based on rules and laws. The society would not function wellif individuals were free to do whatever they want. To what extent do you agreeor disagree?
Nowadays,there are lots of actions of individual that be restricted by laws andregulations. A large amount of people indicated that they have lost their’s freedom.I think the laws effect can be viewed in a positive light.
Numerous laws and regulations are likely to restrict the societyprogress. This is due to the fact that people’s individual action have a dropsince various of law be executed. People’s activities are restricted to a smallscale stage, so ,there have an effect on the social progress. For instant, thebusiness market may not active enough if a country has limits on the businessactivities. Further more, if some individual’s freedom of speech are limited sothat we can not have different voices heard and solve problems rapidly.
Itis an undeniable that laws and regulations supported the entire society system.It is beneficial to the society development in a correct way ,and it is suggestthat stiff punishment is an effective method to reduce crime and offendersfearful of getting caught and less likely to commit crime. so, laws is aneffective way to protect citizens .creating a stable and harmony environment todevelop economic. Laws is an indispensable promise for all citizens. Forexample, patent law use to protect individual’s patent right. It is aremarkable leap in the history in a certain extent .
Itis reasonable to conclude that the society cannot operate well without laws andrules. Although laws does not allow individual to act at will, the main proposeis to created a harmony society where people can live in harmony.

Answer 1

作文大概是个6分吧。我说说主要问题:

1）有些口语化，比如lots, so, I think,
2）thesis不够突出，你就直接说the effect of having regulations is important even if it constraints a person's freedom. 你说can be viewed in a positive light，是比较模糊的表达。。。意思就是你没有把意见说出来
3) 逻辑性不够。
3a) 第二段你写法律会阻止社会发展。但是第二段到第三段之间没有直接联系上。你要写，however这种连接词来推动你的argument。
3b) 第二段的for instance，那个例子没有意义，然后furthermore的那个例子是fragment sentence
3c) 第三段，你的topic sentence是说法律支持社会。。。但是你怎么又说犯罪的处罚？然后又说法律保护人民，然后又跳到说法律支持经济，最后举个例子说patent，到最后说这个是个有历史意义的跃进。所以不知道你这一段的中心在哪里。
4）很多语法错误，全部指出来要时间。。。但是说真的，很多。

所以，最多就是6分左右。 但是对于中国学生来说这个已经很不错了。

Answer 2

In the present age, is parents or teachers are responsible for teaching children have sparked debates.This essay will discusse both sides of the issue.
Some people tend to think that parents is the best guide in children`s life.this view may be based on the fact that parenting have more influence on children than schooling.It is reasonable because children mostly have lived with their parents for a long time before entering school.Therefore ,let children know how to show their respects to elder people and obey the rules of society is widely be considered as the responsibility of parents.
On the other side of the debate,many individuals argue that parents might not always have the positive effects on children ,thus they consider that school should play a main role in cultivating children.They claim that they have confidence in bringing the children up to be talents.because school have good educational facilities,excellent teachers and sound educational system.
in conclusion，both of the schooling and parenting are important to children.So,for cultivating them to be talent,we should pay more attention to them and give them the decent education。
总的来说还可以，至少我知道你要说什么，段落分配也可以，但是。。。。问题很多，有的地方都没法改，首先词汇量太小，词汇不够多样化且用词不规范，突出表现为用词太绝对化，可信度不足，搭配混乱（correct effect to 。。。==）。其次，逻辑不明，逻辑连接词太少，这个是大忌，然后，句式单一，语法错误太多，接着，讨论问题太宽泛，举例很不深入，给人感觉很多地方在同义重复。最后，最重要的一点废话太多了，记住批卷的人是老外不是喜欢同义重复的中国人，老外看到废话连篇会皱眉，老外会觉得你这么多废话有凑字数嫌疑，还有老外从来不说educat people。

追问

能不能就我的作文说点意见