求批改雅思作文
刚写了一篇，随便抽的题，写了40分钟，我上次考了6，6号考的，27号二战，写了篇求网上高人看看有啥不足之处，还有什么建议。我总过财富值只有30分，全给了，一片诚心，多谢您...
刚写了一篇，随便抽的题，写了40分钟，我上次考了6，6号考的，27号二战，写了篇求网上高人看看有啥不足之处，还有什么建议。我总过财富值只有30分，全给了，一片诚心，多谢您。。。
题目1 Individuals and countries can not help everyone who need help in the world,so,we should be only concerned about our own communities and countries?
文章：Admitting the fact that individuals and countries can not help everyone who need help in the world does not mean we should be only concered about our own communities and courties. I will explore the merits and drawbacks of self-concerning to confirm the idea in essay.
No doubt that there is a limit to each one's and every country's ability.Those who advocate self-concerning hold the strong belief that since it is unlikely to help each individual who needs a hand helping others and other country makes no sense. Interestingly, to be self-concered, gives rise to the sense of independance which allows individuals and nations to combact hardshops and difficulties by themselves when they are confronted with big issues in some cases. It seems that the more ones being independant the less favors they are in demand of. Some deceloped countries and successful men are good examples to support the argument above.
There exsits a large number of people, however, who are opposed to the opinion of being only concerned about ourselves. every one is born with some natural talent and each nation has some priorities in terms of some natural resources and their locations. Drawing on each other's merits and progressing hand in hand make us gain a lot to a large extent. What's more, it is the habit of concentrating on ourselves that du#$%^&(看不清) one's mind and hinders the promotion and prosperous. China's experieces of closing the door to the world gives us a big lesson. Only in open to help others can we witness breathroughs no matter in our daily lives or on the international platform.
All in all, conclusion can be drawn based on the argument above that each individual and nation should be eager to help others based on the recogonision of independance which guarantees our self-esteem and gives us the ability of progressing. Meanwhile, external assistances can not be rejected and reluctant to give. Then a harmonious and enlightened community is possible to be seen in the near future. 展开
题目1 Individuals and countries can not help everyone who need help in the world,so,we should be only concerned about our own communities and countries?
文章：Admitting the fact that individuals and countries can not help everyone who need help in the world does not mean we should be only concered about our own communities and courties. I will explore the merits and drawbacks of self-concerning to confirm the idea in essay.
No doubt that there is a limit to each one's and every country's ability.Those who advocate self-concerning hold the strong belief that since it is unlikely to help each individual who needs a hand helping others and other country makes no sense. Interestingly, to be self-concered, gives rise to the sense of independance which allows individuals and nations to combact hardshops and difficulties by themselves when they are confronted with big issues in some cases. It seems that the more ones being independant the less favors they are in demand of. Some deceloped countries and successful men are good examples to support the argument above.
There exsits a large number of people, however, who are opposed to the opinion of being only concerned about ourselves. every one is born with some natural talent and each nation has some priorities in terms of some natural resources and their locations. Drawing on each other's merits and progressing hand in hand make us gain a lot to a large extent. What's more, it is the habit of concentrating on ourselves that du#$%^&(看不清) one's mind and hinders the promotion and prosperous. China's experieces of closing the door to the world gives us a big lesson. Only in open to help others can we witness breathroughs no matter in our daily lives or on the international platform.
All in all, conclusion can be drawn based on the argument above that each individual and nation should be eager to help others based on the recogonision of independance which guarantees our self-esteem and gives us the ability of progressing. Meanwhile, external assistances can not be rejected and reluctant to give. Then a harmonious and enlightened community is possible to be seen in the near future. 展开
1个回答
展开全部
Admitting the fact that individuals and countries can not help everyone who need ① help in the world does not mean we should be only concered about our own communities and courties. I will explore the merits and drawbacks of self-concerning② to confirm the idea in essay.
No doubt that there is a limit to each one's and every country's ability. Those who advocate self-concerning hold the strong belief that since it is unlikely to help each individual who needs a hand③ helping others and other country makes no sense. Interestingly, to be self-concered, gives rise to the sense of independance which allows individuals and nations to combact hardshops④ and difficulties by themselves when they are confronted with big issues in some cases. It seems that the more ones being independant the less favors they are in demand of. Some deceloped⑤ countries and successful men are good examples to support the argument above.
There exsits a large number of people, however, who are opposed to the opinion of being only concerned about ourselves. every one is born with some natural talent and each nation has some priorities in terms of some natural resources and their⑥ locations. Drawing on each other's merits and progressing hand in hand make us gain a lot to a large extent. What's more, it is the habit of concentrating on ourselves that one's mind and hinders the promotion and prosperous⑦. China's experieces of closing the door to the world gives us a big lesson. Only in open⑧ to help others can we witness breathroughs no matter in our daily lives or on the international platform.
All in all, conclusion can be drawn based on the argument above that each individual and nation should be eager to help others based on the recogonision of independance which guarantees our self-esteem and gives us the ability of progressing⑨. Meanwhile, external assistances can not be rejected and reluctant to give. Then a harmonious and enlightened community is possible to be seen ⑩in the near future.
1. everyone是第三人称单数 need改为NEEDS
2. SELF-CONCERNING 用作形容词比较地道，建议不做动名词使用。
3. 出现了SINCE的从句，这里要插入逗号，不然句子结构残缺
4. 应为HARDSHIPS
5. 改为DEVELOPED
6. 前面用的主语是EACH NATION，是单数名词，这里就应该用ITS而不是THEIR
7. 与PROMOTION平行，这里也应该用名词PROSPERITY而不是PROSPEROUS
8. In介词后面名词应为ING形式。OPEN改为OPENNING
9. 这里直接用PROGRESS比较地道
10.句子的主语是community,而不定式用于主语一般表达目的，所以TO BE SEEN用在这里不合适。不如改成“We could possibily expect a harminious and enlightened community to be seen in the future.这样TO BE SEEN就变成了修饰宾语的被动语态，表达意思更准确。
我建议你第二自然段和第三自然段加上一些诸如：FIRSTLY,another point is that...之类的话，显得更有条理。另外二三段作为叙述段如果多加一些Because.
No doubt that there is a limit to each one's and every country's ability. Those who advocate self-concerning hold the strong belief that since it is unlikely to help each individual who needs a hand③ helping others and other country makes no sense. Interestingly, to be self-concered, gives rise to the sense of independance which allows individuals and nations to combact hardshops④ and difficulties by themselves when they are confronted with big issues in some cases. It seems that the more ones being independant the less favors they are in demand of. Some deceloped⑤ countries and successful men are good examples to support the argument above.
There exsits a large number of people, however, who are opposed to the opinion of being only concerned about ourselves. every one is born with some natural talent and each nation has some priorities in terms of some natural resources and their⑥ locations. Drawing on each other's merits and progressing hand in hand make us gain a lot to a large extent. What's more, it is the habit of concentrating on ourselves that one's mind and hinders the promotion and prosperous⑦. China's experieces of closing the door to the world gives us a big lesson. Only in open⑧ to help others can we witness breathroughs no matter in our daily lives or on the international platform.
All in all, conclusion can be drawn based on the argument above that each individual and nation should be eager to help others based on the recogonision of independance which guarantees our self-esteem and gives us the ability of progressing⑨. Meanwhile, external assistances can not be rejected and reluctant to give. Then a harmonious and enlightened community is possible to be seen ⑩in the near future.
1. everyone是第三人称单数 need改为NEEDS
2. SELF-CONCERNING 用作形容词比较地道，建议不做动名词使用。
3. 出现了SINCE的从句，这里要插入逗号，不然句子结构残缺
4. 应为HARDSHIPS
5. 改为DEVELOPED
6. 前面用的主语是EACH NATION，是单数名词，这里就应该用ITS而不是THEIR
7. 与PROMOTION平行，这里也应该用名词PROSPERITY而不是PROSPEROUS
8. In介词后面名词应为ING形式。OPEN改为OPENNING
9. 这里直接用PROGRESS比较地道
10.句子的主语是community,而不定式用于主语一般表达目的，所以TO BE SEEN用在这里不合适。不如改成“We could possibily expect a harminious and enlightened community to be seen in the future.这样TO BE SEEN就变成了修饰宾语的被动语态，表达意思更准确。
我建议你第二自然段和第三自然段加上一些诸如：FIRSTLY,another point is that...之类的话，显得更有条理。另外二三段作为叙述段如果多加一些Because.
本回答被提问者和网友采纳
已赞过
已踩过<
评论
收起
你对这个回答的评价是？
推荐律师服务：
若未解决您的问题，请您详细描述您的问题，通过百度律临进行免费专业咨询
