英语幽默笑话带翻译？
下面是我整理的，欢迎大家阅读!
：If I Am a Manager
One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a position – if I Am a Manager.
All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.
“I am waiting for my secretary,” was the boy’s answer.
一天课上，老师要同学们以“如果我是一个经理”为题写一篇作文。
所有的学生都在动笔写了，只有一个男生例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。
“我在等我的秘书”。那孩子答道。
：Isn’t it wonderful?
"What are you so happy about?"a woman asked the 98-year-old man.
"I broke a mirror," he replied.
"But that means seven years of bad luck."
"I know." he said, beaming,"Isn’t it wonderful?"
这难道不好吗?
“你高兴什么?”一个女士问一个98岁的老人。
“我打碎了一个镜子。”他回答。
“但那预示著7年的坏运气。”
“我知道。”他高兴地说，“这难道不好吗?”
：Whats time to a pig?
One day a visitor from the city came to a *** all rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"
一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫 回答说，“时间对猪有什么意义?”
：我和老师的故事
Teacher: Tom and John! Why are you late for school today?
老师：汤姆!约翰!你俩今天为什么迟到了!
Tom: Madam, I lost a one-dollar coin and was searching for it.
汤姆：老师，我一直在找我丢失的一美元硬币。
Teachear: John, what about you?
老师：那么你呢，约翰?
John: Madam, I was not able to move beacause I was hiding that coin under my feet.
约翰：老师，我不能动啊，我把他的硬币藏脚底下了。
：再见
Two tomatoes go shopping, a tomato suddenly walk fast, the second tomato asks: "where shall we go?" The first tomato has no answer, the second tomato asked again. The tomato has no answer, so the second tomato asked again. The first tomato finally turned slowly, said: "we are not tomatoes? We can talk?"
两颗番茄去逛街，第一颗番茄突然走得很快，第二颗番茄就问：“我们要去哪里?” 第一颗番茄没有回答，第二颗番茄又问了一次。 第一颗番茄还没回答，所以第二颗番茄又问了一次。 第一颗番茄终于慢慢转头说：“我们不是番茄吗?我们会说话吗?”
：
On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my hu *** and and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.
As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Goodbye, Mickey."
Our daughter waved and said, "Goodbye, Minnie."
My hu *** and waved, rather weakly, and said, "Goodbye, Money."
迪斯尼之旅 弗罗里达州的迪斯尼乐园是一个迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及两个孩子前往旅游，我们全身心地沉醉在它的各种奇观之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我们要回家了。
当我们驱车离开时，儿子挥手说：“再见，美奇。”
女儿挥着手说，“再见，美妮。”
丈夫也有气无力地挥了挥手，说道：“再见，美元。”
：Goldfish 金鱼
Stan: I won 92 goldfish.
斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。
Fred: Where are you going to keep them?
弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们?
Stan: In the bathroom.
斯丹：浴室。
Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?
弗雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办?
Stan: Blindfold***蒙眼睛*** them!
斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛!
：I am acting like a lady 我要表现得像一位女士
One day women's dresses were on sale at a department store. A dignified middle-aged man decided to pick a dress for his wife, but soon he found himself being battered by frantic women.
一天，一家百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给他的太太挑选一件女装。但是，没过多久，他就发现自己已被疯狂的女人们撞得踉踉跄跄。
He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowd.
他竭力地忍耐著。后来，他低下头，挥舞双臂，挤过人群。
"You there!" challenged a thrilling voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?"
“你干嘛?”有人尖声叫道，“你难道不能表现得像一位绅士吗?”
"Listen," he said. "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."
“听着，”他说。“我已经像绅士一样表现了一个小时了。从现在起，我要表现得像一位女士。”
：Good Sight 好视力
Lawyer: You say you were about thirty-five feet away from the scene of the accident? Just how far can you see clearly?
Witness: Well, when I wake up in the morning I see the Sun, and they tell me it's about ninety-three million miles away.
律师：你说你离事故现场约有35英尺，你能看清多远的东西?
证人：这么说吧，早上起床后我看见太阳，别人告诉我这大约有9300万英里远。
