Question

求雅思作文批改~多谢多谢~

题：some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In this day and age, the way of education plays a pivotal role in children’s lives. When it comes to whether the competition or co-operation is more essential people hold conflicting views. In my essay, I will compare and contrast two typical opinions regarding this issue.

It is evidently reasonable that co-operation is more important. To start with, children who are taught to co-operate may have a sense of duty. For instance,a boy joins in team work always takes care of others more carefully because of the team spirit. Furthermore, it is good for children’s psychology by doing several co-operating activities. Specifically, we can benefit from these typeS of activities, which teachS children how to encourage themselves and help each other. Additionally, the children co-operate with others may become a versatile person. More exactly, the happier you are, the more things you can learn。

By contrast , there are some others claim that children should be taught compete more that co-operate. The main reason is pressure from the competition may motivate children to study hard, and it is also essentially to help them thinking independently. Even so, the peer pressure probably frustrate some children, which will become a barrier in their future lives.

Based on the reasons offered above, competition can boost children compass others, but on the other hand, it may generate a detrimental influence upon children’s psychology. As I see, the co-operating practice should be the best way of education.

Answer 1

In this day and age, education (1) plays a pivotal role in children’s lives. When it comes to whether (2) competition or co-operation is more essential (3), people hold conflicting views. (3) The two typical opinions regarding this issue will be compared and contrasted.
It is evident and reasonable (4) that co-operation is more important. To start with, children who are taught to co-operate may have a sense of responsibility (5). For instance, a boy who values teamwork (6) always takes care of others more carefully because of his (7) team spirit. Furthermore, (8) by doing several co-operative (9) activities, it is beneficial to (10) children’s mental development. More specifically (11), we can benefit from these types of activities which teaches children (12) about how to encourage themselves and help each other. The children who (13) co-operate with others may become more versatile than those who don’t (14). (15)
In (16) contrast, there are others (17) who claim that children should be taught (18) to compete more than (19) to cooperate. The main reason is that (20) pressure from the competition may motivate children to study harder (21) and help them think independently (22). Even so, the peer pressure probably frustrates some children, which will become a barrier in their future lives.
Clearly (23), competition can boost children ---? It may generate a detrimental influence on (24) children’s psychology. Considering the evidence (25) from above, the co-operating practice should be the best way of education.
(1) 省略the way, 这样简洁明确
(2) 省略the
(3) 写这种议论文的时候最好不要用第一人称代词
(4) Evidently reasonable 很僵硬，你可以改为 Evidently，this is reasonable
(5) Responsibility责任感在这里更确切
(6) Joins in teamwork 表达错误
(7) 是“他的”团队精神，加his
(8) 句型整改倒装
(9) Co-operative 为形容词，比动名词简明
(10) Beneficial表达更加好，改为mental development, 用psychology不当
(11) More specifically是更确切来说，这说明你之前已经很细了（虽然不是，但是对改分的来说看起来更好）
(12) 加about, teaches about固定搭配
(13) 加who来指代
(14) 你要做对比，改句型
(15) 没用的句子，删减
(16) 表达错误， in contrast 固定搭配
(17) 这样表达更加简明
(18) 加to
(19) 改为比较
(20) 加that
(21) 用比较级harder
(22) 删改
(23) 你还没到最后总结，直接写clearly
(24) Upon用错了
(25) 最后总结，省略第一人称

总体看来，你用的副词像specifically, additionally, more exactly 太多，句句都是这样开头，应该改一下句型。