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这是TED演讲,听到前面的就很容易搜到。以下是原文及翻译。拿好不谢。
Hi. I'm here to talk to you about the importance of praise, admiration and thank you, and having it be specific and genuine.
And the way I got interested in this was, I noticed in myself, when I was growing up, and until about a few years ago, that I would want to say thank you to someone, I would want to praise them, I would want to take in their praise of me and I'd just stop it. And I asked myself, why? I felt shy, I felt embarrassed. And then my question became, am I the only one who does this? So, I decided to investigate.
I'm fortunate enough to work in the rehab facility, so I get to see people who are facing life and death with addiction. And sometimes it comes down to something as simple as, their core wound is their father died without ever saying he's proud of them. But then, they hear from all the family and friends that the father told
everybody else that he was proud of him, but he never told the son. It's because he didn't know that his son needed to hear it.
So my question is, why don't we ask for the things that we need? I know a
gentleman, married for 25 years, who's longing to hear his wife say, "Thank you for being the breadwinner, so I can stay home with the kids," but won't ask. I know a woman who's good at this. She, once a week, meets with her husband and says, "I'd really like you to thank me for all these things I did in the house and with the kids." And he goes, "Oh, this is great, this is great." And praise really does have to be genuine, but she takes responsibility for that. And a friend of mine, April, who I've had since kindergarten, she thanks her children for doing their chores. And she said, "Why wouldn't I thank it, even though they're supposed to do it?"
So, the question is, why was I blocking it? Why were other people blocking it? Why can I say, "I'll take my steak medium rare, I need size six shoes," but I won't say, "Would you praise me this way?" And it's because I'm giving you critical data about me. I'm telling you where I'm insecure. I'm telling you where I need your help. And I'm treating you, my inner circle, like you're the enemy. Because what can you do with that data? You could neglect me. You could abuse it. Or you could actually meet my need.
And I took my bike into the bike store-- I love this -- same bike, and they'd do something called "truing" the wheels. The guy said, "You know, when you true the wheels, it's going to make the bike so much better." I get the same bike back, and they've taken all the little warps out of those same wheels I've had for two and a half years, and my bike is like new. So, I'm going to challenge all of you. I want you to true your wheels: be honest about the praise that you need to hear. What do you need to hear? Go home to your wife -- go ask her, what does she need? Go home to your husband -- what does he need? Go home and ask those questions, and then help the people around you.
And it's simple. And why should we care about this? We talk about world peace. How can we have world peace with different cultures, different languages? I think it starts household by household, under the same roof. So, let's make it right in our own backyard. And I want to thank all of you in the audience for being great
husbands, great mothers, friends, daughters, sons. And maybe somebody's never said that to you, but you've done a really, really good job. And thank you for being here, just showing up and changing the world with your ideas.
嗨。我在这里要和大家谈谈,向别人表达赞美,倾佩和谢意的重要性,并使它们听来真诚,具体。
之所以我对此感兴趣,是因为我从我自己的成长中注意到,几年前,当我想要对某个人说声谢谢时,当我想要赞美他们时,当我想接受他们对我的赞扬,但我却没有说出口。我问我自己,这是为什么? 我感到害羞,我感到尴尬。 接着我产生了一个问题,难道我是唯一一个这么做的人吗?所以我决定做些探究。
我非常幸运的在一家康复中心工作,所以我可以看到那些因为上瘾而面临生与死的人。有时候这一切可以非常简单地归结为,他们最核心的创伤来自于他们父亲到死都未说过“他为他们而自豪”。但他们从所有其它家人或朋友那里得知,他的父亲告诉其他人为他感到自豪, 但这个父亲从没告诉过他儿子。 因为他不知道他的儿子需要听到这一切。
因此我的问题是,为什么我们不索求我们需要的东西呢? 我认识一个结婚25年的男士,他渴望听到他妻子说,“感谢你为这个家在外赚钱,这样我才能在家陪伴着孩子。” 但他从来不提出这样的要求。 我认识一个精于此道的女士。 每周一次,她见到丈夫后会说, “我真的希望你为我对这个家和孩子们付出的努力而感谢我。” 他会应和到“哦,真是太棒了,真是太棒了。” 赞扬别人一定要真诚, 但她对赞美也有责任。 一个从我上幼儿园就一直是朋友的叫April的人, 她会感谢她的孩子们做了家务。 她说:“为什么我不表示感谢呢,虽然他们本来就要做那些事情。”
因此我的问题是,为什么我不说呢? 为什么其它人不说呢? 为什么我能说:“我要一块中等厚度的牛排, 我需要6号尺寸的鞋子,” 但我却不能说:“你可以赞扬我吗?” 因为这会使我把我的重要信息与你分享,会让我告诉了你我内心的不安,会让你认为我需要你的帮助。 虽然你是我最贴心的人, 我却把你当作是敌人。 你会用我托付给你的重要信息做些什么呢? 你可以忽视我。 你可以滥用它。 或者你可以满足我的要求。
我把我的自行车拿到车行--我喜欢这么做-- 同样的自行车,他们会对车轮做整形。 那里的人说:“当你对车轮做整形时, 它会使自行车变成更好。” 我把这辆自行车拿回来, 他们把有小小弯曲的铁丝从轮子上拿走。这辆车我用了2年半,现在还像新的一样。 所以我要问在场的所有人, 我希望你们把你们的车轮整形一下: 真诚面对对你们想听到的赞美。 你们想听到什么呢? 回家问问你们的妻子,她想听到什么? 回家问问你们的丈夫,他想听到什么? 回家问问这些问题,并帮助身边的人实现它们。
非常简单。 为什么要关心这个呢? 我们谈论世界和平。 我们怎么用不同的文化,不同的语言来保持世界和平? 我想要从每个小家庭开始。 所以让我们在家里就把这件事情做好。 我想要感谢所有在这里的人们,因为你们是好丈夫,好母亲, 好伙伴,好女儿和好儿子。 或许有些人从没跟你们说过,但你们已经做得非常非常得出色了。 感谢你们来到这里, 向世界显示着你们的智慧,并用它们改变着世界。
Hi. I'm here to talk to you about the importance of praise, admiration and thank you, and having it be specific and genuine.
And the way I got interested in this was, I noticed in myself, when I was growing up, and until about a few years ago, that I would want to say thank you to someone, I would want to praise them, I would want to take in their praise of me and I'd just stop it. And I asked myself, why? I felt shy, I felt embarrassed. And then my question became, am I the only one who does this? So, I decided to investigate.
I'm fortunate enough to work in the rehab facility, so I get to see people who are facing life and death with addiction. And sometimes it comes down to something as simple as, their core wound is their father died without ever saying he's proud of them. But then, they hear from all the family and friends that the father told
everybody else that he was proud of him, but he never told the son. It's because he didn't know that his son needed to hear it.
So my question is, why don't we ask for the things that we need? I know a
gentleman, married for 25 years, who's longing to hear his wife say, "Thank you for being the breadwinner, so I can stay home with the kids," but won't ask. I know a woman who's good at this. She, once a week, meets with her husband and says, "I'd really like you to thank me for all these things I did in the house and with the kids." And he goes, "Oh, this is great, this is great." And praise really does have to be genuine, but she takes responsibility for that. And a friend of mine, April, who I've had since kindergarten, she thanks her children for doing their chores. And she said, "Why wouldn't I thank it, even though they're supposed to do it?"
So, the question is, why was I blocking it? Why were other people blocking it? Why can I say, "I'll take my steak medium rare, I need size six shoes," but I won't say, "Would you praise me this way?" And it's because I'm giving you critical data about me. I'm telling you where I'm insecure. I'm telling you where I need your help. And I'm treating you, my inner circle, like you're the enemy. Because what can you do with that data? You could neglect me. You could abuse it. Or you could actually meet my need.
And I took my bike into the bike store-- I love this -- same bike, and they'd do something called "truing" the wheels. The guy said, "You know, when you true the wheels, it's going to make the bike so much better." I get the same bike back, and they've taken all the little warps out of those same wheels I've had for two and a half years, and my bike is like new. So, I'm going to challenge all of you. I want you to true your wheels: be honest about the praise that you need to hear. What do you need to hear? Go home to your wife -- go ask her, what does she need? Go home to your husband -- what does he need? Go home and ask those questions, and then help the people around you.
And it's simple. And why should we care about this? We talk about world peace. How can we have world peace with different cultures, different languages? I think it starts household by household, under the same roof. So, let's make it right in our own backyard. And I want to thank all of you in the audience for being great
husbands, great mothers, friends, daughters, sons. And maybe somebody's never said that to you, but you've done a really, really good job. And thank you for being here, just showing up and changing the world with your ideas.
嗨。我在这里要和大家谈谈,向别人表达赞美,倾佩和谢意的重要性,并使它们听来真诚,具体。
之所以我对此感兴趣,是因为我从我自己的成长中注意到,几年前,当我想要对某个人说声谢谢时,当我想要赞美他们时,当我想接受他们对我的赞扬,但我却没有说出口。我问我自己,这是为什么? 我感到害羞,我感到尴尬。 接着我产生了一个问题,难道我是唯一一个这么做的人吗?所以我决定做些探究。
我非常幸运的在一家康复中心工作,所以我可以看到那些因为上瘾而面临生与死的人。有时候这一切可以非常简单地归结为,他们最核心的创伤来自于他们父亲到死都未说过“他为他们而自豪”。但他们从所有其它家人或朋友那里得知,他的父亲告诉其他人为他感到自豪, 但这个父亲从没告诉过他儿子。 因为他不知道他的儿子需要听到这一切。
因此我的问题是,为什么我们不索求我们需要的东西呢? 我认识一个结婚25年的男士,他渴望听到他妻子说,“感谢你为这个家在外赚钱,这样我才能在家陪伴着孩子。” 但他从来不提出这样的要求。 我认识一个精于此道的女士。 每周一次,她见到丈夫后会说, “我真的希望你为我对这个家和孩子们付出的努力而感谢我。” 他会应和到“哦,真是太棒了,真是太棒了。” 赞扬别人一定要真诚, 但她对赞美也有责任。 一个从我上幼儿园就一直是朋友的叫April的人, 她会感谢她的孩子们做了家务。 她说:“为什么我不表示感谢呢,虽然他们本来就要做那些事情。”
因此我的问题是,为什么我不说呢? 为什么其它人不说呢? 为什么我能说:“我要一块中等厚度的牛排, 我需要6号尺寸的鞋子,” 但我却不能说:“你可以赞扬我吗?” 因为这会使我把我的重要信息与你分享,会让我告诉了你我内心的不安,会让你认为我需要你的帮助。 虽然你是我最贴心的人, 我却把你当作是敌人。 你会用我托付给你的重要信息做些什么呢? 你可以忽视我。 你可以滥用它。 或者你可以满足我的要求。
我把我的自行车拿到车行--我喜欢这么做-- 同样的自行车,他们会对车轮做整形。 那里的人说:“当你对车轮做整形时, 它会使自行车变成更好。” 我把这辆自行车拿回来, 他们把有小小弯曲的铁丝从轮子上拿走。这辆车我用了2年半,现在还像新的一样。 所以我要问在场的所有人, 我希望你们把你们的车轮整形一下: 真诚面对对你们想听到的赞美。 你们想听到什么呢? 回家问问你们的妻子,她想听到什么? 回家问问你们的丈夫,他想听到什么? 回家问问这些问题,并帮助身边的人实现它们。
非常简单。 为什么要关心这个呢? 我们谈论世界和平。 我们怎么用不同的文化,不同的语言来保持世界和平? 我想要从每个小家庭开始。 所以让我们在家里就把这件事情做好。 我想要感谢所有在这里的人们,因为你们是好丈夫,好母亲, 好伙伴,好女儿和好儿子。 或许有些人从没跟你们说过,但你们已经做得非常非常得出色了。 感谢你们来到这里, 向世界显示着你们的智慧,并用它们改变着世界。
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直接听译的,可能有一些小细节不是百分百准确,但是大体表达的意思没什么差别。
嗨,今天我来和你们谈一谈关于称赞、感谢他人的重要性,以及如何做到让别人听起来感到具体的同时而又不失真诚。
为什么我会对此感兴趣,那是因为我发现从成长的时候开始一直到最近几年前,自己一直都想要对别人道谢、给予别人称赞并且欣然接受别人对我的称赞,但我却并没有说出口。
于是我问自己“为什么?”,我感到害羞,我感到尴尬,接着我的疑问变成了“难道我是唯一一个这样做的人吗?”因此我决定做一些研究。
我很幸运能够在康复中心工作,从而能够了解那些因为上瘾而和生死作斗争的人们。有时击垮他们的仅仅归结于一件微不足道的小事,例如他们的主要创伤即他们的父亲直到去世也没说过以他们为傲。但他们事后从家人、朋友处听说父亲告诉了每个人以他为傲但唯独从没对自己说过,只是因为父亲不知道自己需要听到。
所以我的疑问是“为什么我们不去索取我们所需要的?”
我知道一个结婚25年的男士,他很渴望听到妻子对自己说“感谢你一直当着家里的顶梁柱,让我能呆在家和孩子们在一起”,但他却从来不向妻子提出来。
我还知道一个对此很擅长的女士,每个星期她和丈夫见面然后会说“我特别希望你能感谢我为家里所做的一切,以及对孩子们的照顾”,于是他连忙附和道“啊,这很好这很好”,但夸奖是需要具体一点的,她为此也承担一些责任。
我有一个从幼儿园开始就认识的朋友,April,她感谢帮她干家务的孩子们,她说“为什么我不为此表达感谢呢,即使他们本应做那些家务?”
所以我的问题是“为什么我不说呢?为什么其他人都不说呢?”,我为什么不能说 “我要中等厚的牛排,我要6码的鞋子”,但我不会说“你能像这样夸奖我吗?”
那是因为我在把我的“核心数据”分享给你,我在告诉你什么时候我感到没有安全感,什么时候我需要你的帮助,我把你当做敌人一样对待。但你会用那些“数据”来干什么呢?你可以因此忽视我,你可以利用它来掌控我,又或者你可以真正地了解我的需求。
之后我拿着我的自行车到自行车店,我喜欢这样,同样的自行车,他们会实行一种叫做“摆正轮子”的项目。店里的人告诉我“你知道吗,当你“摆正轮子”后,自行车会变得更好”。
于是我拿回了同样的自行车,他们已经把车轮上所有的弯曲的铁丝取走,还是那些我已经用了两年半的车轮,但现在我的自行车就像新的一样。
所以我要向你们发起挑战,我希望你们“摆正自己的轮子”,诚实面对你需要听到的赞赏。你们需要听到些什么呢?然后回家问你妻子她需要听到的是什么,或者回家问你丈夫他需要听到的又是什么。回家问问这些问题,然后去帮助周围的人们,这一点也不难。
但为什么我们需要关心这个呢?我们之前谈过世界和平,在不同文化不同语言的背景下,我们是如何拥有世界和平的?我认为是从家家户户开始的,所以让我们从每个人自己家里做起。我还想感谢观众席的所有好丈夫们,好母亲们,好朋友们,好孩子们。也许从来没有人对你这么说过,但是你真的已经做得很好很好了。最后,感谢你们来到这里,感谢你们的出席,感谢你们用自己的想法改变世界。
谢谢。
嗨,今天我来和你们谈一谈关于称赞、感谢他人的重要性,以及如何做到让别人听起来感到具体的同时而又不失真诚。
为什么我会对此感兴趣,那是因为我发现从成长的时候开始一直到最近几年前,自己一直都想要对别人道谢、给予别人称赞并且欣然接受别人对我的称赞,但我却并没有说出口。
于是我问自己“为什么?”,我感到害羞,我感到尴尬,接着我的疑问变成了“难道我是唯一一个这样做的人吗?”因此我决定做一些研究。
我很幸运能够在康复中心工作,从而能够了解那些因为上瘾而和生死作斗争的人们。有时击垮他们的仅仅归结于一件微不足道的小事,例如他们的主要创伤即他们的父亲直到去世也没说过以他们为傲。但他们事后从家人、朋友处听说父亲告诉了每个人以他为傲但唯独从没对自己说过,只是因为父亲不知道自己需要听到。
所以我的疑问是“为什么我们不去索取我们所需要的?”
我知道一个结婚25年的男士,他很渴望听到妻子对自己说“感谢你一直当着家里的顶梁柱,让我能呆在家和孩子们在一起”,但他却从来不向妻子提出来。
我还知道一个对此很擅长的女士,每个星期她和丈夫见面然后会说“我特别希望你能感谢我为家里所做的一切,以及对孩子们的照顾”,于是他连忙附和道“啊,这很好这很好”,但夸奖是需要具体一点的,她为此也承担一些责任。
我有一个从幼儿园开始就认识的朋友,April,她感谢帮她干家务的孩子们,她说“为什么我不为此表达感谢呢,即使他们本应做那些家务?”
所以我的问题是“为什么我不说呢?为什么其他人都不说呢?”,我为什么不能说 “我要中等厚的牛排,我要6码的鞋子”,但我不会说“你能像这样夸奖我吗?”
那是因为我在把我的“核心数据”分享给你,我在告诉你什么时候我感到没有安全感,什么时候我需要你的帮助,我把你当做敌人一样对待。但你会用那些“数据”来干什么呢?你可以因此忽视我,你可以利用它来掌控我,又或者你可以真正地了解我的需求。
之后我拿着我的自行车到自行车店,我喜欢这样,同样的自行车,他们会实行一种叫做“摆正轮子”的项目。店里的人告诉我“你知道吗,当你“摆正轮子”后,自行车会变得更好”。
于是我拿回了同样的自行车,他们已经把车轮上所有的弯曲的铁丝取走,还是那些我已经用了两年半的车轮,但现在我的自行车就像新的一样。
所以我要向你们发起挑战,我希望你们“摆正自己的轮子”,诚实面对你需要听到的赞赏。你们需要听到些什么呢?然后回家问你妻子她需要听到的是什么,或者回家问你丈夫他需要听到的又是什么。回家问问这些问题,然后去帮助周围的人们,这一点也不难。
但为什么我们需要关心这个呢?我们之前谈过世界和平,在不同文化不同语言的背景下,我们是如何拥有世界和平的?我认为是从家家户户开始的,所以让我们从每个人自己家里做起。我还想感谢观众席的所有好丈夫们,好母亲们,好朋友们,好孩子们。也许从来没有人对你这么说过,但是你真的已经做得很好很好了。最后,感谢你们来到这里,感谢你们的出席,感谢你们用自己的想法改变世界。
谢谢。
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