Question

请大家给我的第一篇托福作文评分

题目：79. Your city has decided to build a statue or monument to honor a famous person in your country. Who would you choose? Use reasons and specific examples to support your choice.

From my perpective, the person who could be chosen to own a statue or monument of himself should be eminent in his career, positive in public affairs and with a respectful quality and virtue. So I think YaoMing is the best choice.
Yao, as the first Chinese basketball player landing in America and playing for Houston Rockests in the NBA games, not only represent the first-rate level of basketball in China but also shows his dominant status under the basket in NBA. Although with a marvelous height of 2.26 metres, he seems not to be tardy at all. On contrary, he is famous for his flexible movement and exquisite dribbling skills. Being called as "the Moving Great Wall", he is getting more and more applause for his ingenuity in the sphere of basketball. There might be no one who is opposed to the establishment of a statue for him.
Furthermore, Yao has become an excellent ambassador for China. In recent years, he positively took part in popularizing sports especially basketball and even devoted himself into the career of charity. A plethora of young people, holding a honorable heart for Yao, has participated in playing basketball. Yao apparently has offered an impetus to the development of exercise involving the entire people in China. Also, for public charity,the fund called "Yao Fund" has brought luminous shines into the life of thousands of unfortunate children.
In addition, Yao owns an attractive charm of his personality.He is a gracious ,humble person and also with a sense of humor.Every time when he faced the public media, he never went about with his head high in the air, he always answered the troublesome problems in a honest way and sometimes he might use a joke to cope with the embarassment.

Therefore, I can hardly find a better one than YaoMing to be the choice. A statue of him is an approval of his feats and more importantly it will enlighten more and more people to learn from the spirit of Yao.

Answer 1

评分不敢 小提几点意见吧～
1、结构比较清晰，furthermore,in addition, therefore什么的用得很熟练～
2、有一些小错，比如说on the contrary要加the啥的；
3、语法也有问题，比如第一段the person who...should be...,... and with a respectful quality and virtue.——The person should be with a ... quality and virtue，先不论语义通不通，楼主自己看出来问题了毛～
4、语义上
比如第一段So I think YaoMing is the best choice.这个地方恐怕用SO就不是很恰当，“鉴于此”based on this point/according to it比较好。另外so I think...真的很像个总结句，最好换说法，如I will vote for ... I would like to recommend ...

5、姚明是第一个去美国打球的？还是楼主打算说第一个去美国并且在休斯敦火箭的……有点绕了，逻辑上讲，复句有时不如简单句，简洁有力就好～

6、我个人的感觉是有好多Chinglish…… 包括前面说到的一些，essay不是把每个词翻译出来然后连词成句啊～think in English，就不举例了～

嗯……批评居多，不过不是要打击楼主哈，底子很了得了，就不说客套话了～加油加油～祝好

Answer 2

你是不是风子