Question

高三英语作文评阅？

Answer 1

您好，这一篇作文的一些点评：
1）My dream job is police which is considered as a wonderful occupation.
拿分点：使用了定语从句，其中 which 在从句中充当主语。
提分点：可以把 which 在从句中充当宾语，而 a wonderful occupation 充当宾补的结构，which many people consider a wonderful occupation（many people consider it a wonderful occupation 主语+谓语+宾语+宾补）
这里可以考虑把 my cream job is police 改成 my dream job is becoming a policeman。因为 police 在英语中有3种解释：警界、警署；警察局；警察，比较容易导致混淆。
2）It's ten years old that I decided to be a policeman.
扣分点：这里的 ten years old 指的是作者本身10岁时，所以主语应该用人，这里的 that 应该改成 when，因为定语从句中的 that 在句中充当成分，而从句的主谓宾都到齐了，所以只缺状语。可以考虑改成 It's eight years ago when I have decided to be a policeman.（使用 it，需要改成8年前，我……），或是 I have decided to be a policeman when I was ten years old. 建议改成 have decided，表示对说话时产生了影响。

3）That my father is a police makes a different in my job choice.
拿分点：使用了由 that 引导的主句从句。这里可以考虑加强语气，起到（关键性）的，可以考虑添加 instrumental 或是 decisive；That my father is a police makes a decisive difference in my job choice.
4）Not only do I think this job is deeply needed by persons, but I can help a great number of humans.
拿分点：这里使用了关联连词，还是用了倒装句结构和宾语从句的结构。
扣分点：关联连词的结构是 not only ... but also ... 或是 not only ... but ... as well. 这里少了 also 或是 as well。persons 这里应该改成 people。这里的 humans 应该改成 people，但因为前面用了 persons（people），可以把前面改成 society；也就是（被社会需求），可以帮助（很多人）。改成：Not only do I think this job is deeply needed by the society, but I can help a great number of people as well.
提分点：句中宾语从句可以改为复合宾语的结构，也就是 Not only do I think this job deeply needed by the society, but I can help a great number of people as well. think 的宾语是 this job，而 deeply needed by the society 就变成了 this job 的宾语补足语结构。
5）As for policeman, potience and bravery are the first standard for people who are dying to jion the lines.
拿分点：使用了由 who 引导的定语从句。
扣分点：potience 拼错了，应该是 patience。
容易混淆的地方：patience 和 bravery 假如是两个独立的特征，谓语用 are 没问题，但假如 patience 和 bravery 缺一不可，表示是同时间必须存在的特征，起到互补，谓语就需要用 is 了。
提分点：as for policeman 可以考虑改成 to become a policeman 作目的状语，也就是非谓语动词范畴了。first standard for people who are dying to join the lines 感觉是（中式英语），单词有点匮乏了。standard 可以考虑改成 requirement，the lines 可以考虑改成 the field 或是 the profession（因为前面用了 occupation，就不能再次使用 occupation。）。所以句子可以考虑改为：To become a policeman, both patience and bravery are the utmost/foremost requirement for people who are eager to join the profession.（这里用了 both ... and ... 这个关联连词结构，还用了 be eager to do something 的固定用法）
6）And by coincidence, I think I have both the qualities so that I am competent to become a perfect policeman.
拿分点：使用了宾语从句，使用了 so that 的结果状语从句结构。
扣分点：both the qualities 这里使用了定冠词 the 后面就需要加 of ……，因为定冠词 the 在句中充当（限制词），也就需要标明（限制范围）；否者定冠词 the 需要去掉为 both qulities 或是 both the qualities of patience and bravery.
提分点：And by coincidence 可以改成 Coincidentally 会更简单明了；
7）What's more, I determine to study hard in ordr to make my dream job admired by others come true one day.
建议：由于这一句已经是结束语了，此时用 What's more 作为过渡词不太恰当。What's more 通常用来添加观点，而不是作为总结，可以考虑 All in all, In a word 等等表示总结的过渡短语。determine to do something 的用法尽管没有问题但改成 be determined to do something 的分数通常高些，因为这个不仅仅是一个固定搭配，其中的 determined 是过去分词作形容词，属于非谓语动词的用法。

整篇文章大概可以判为第4等级作文，也就是达到了80%的要求。其中的从句结构用的比较多，有宾语从句、主语从句、定语从句（which 和 who），还有状语从句；还适当的使用了倒装句和关联连词的用法。文章非常的流畅，适当的过渡词和连接词使用的比较到位（除了 what's more 以外）。文章比较大的问题应该是高中词汇比较匮乏。再来就是在文章中的宾语从句和定语从句属于初中语法点，没有用到高中级别的宾从和定从结构。所有从句的用法都比较中规中矩，没有适当的用到高中学习的高端用法，比如省略用法、分割式用法等等。
My dram job is to be a policeman which many people considered a wonderful occupation. I have decided to be a policeman when I was ten years old.
That my father is a policeman makes a decisive difference in my job choice. Not only do I think this job deeply needed by the society, but I can help a great number of people as well. To become a policeman, both patience and bravery are instrumental for people who are eager to join the profession. Coincidentally, I believe I have both qualities so that I am confident and competent to become a perfect policeman.
All in all, I am determined to study hard in ordr to make my dream job admired by others come true one day.
添加了：
1）2个复合宾语结构（宾语+宾补）
2）使用了较多的同义词，或是词性的变化，避免重复使用同一结构或是单词，比如
to be a policeman / to become a policeman
I think / I believe
decide / decisive
3）添加了一些高中词汇，比如：decisive、instrumental、profession、coincindentally，confident 等等。
希望这样的点评，可以帮到您。