Question

英语对话笑话有吗?要三个人的,每人起码五句

Answer 1

　　(This is guaranteed laughs in the Chinese classroom. It was originally a
　　bit in a Pink Panther movie).
　　A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the
　　shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
　　The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
　　The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
　　"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
　　The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
　　Submitted by Rick Bell
　　________________________________________
　　There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put
　　up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
　　The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign
　　which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."
　　On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said
　　"The Best Restaurant on this Block."
　　Submitted by Jim J. Johnson
　　________________________________________
　　A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks
　　down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the
　　engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he
　　needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins
　　to the zoo and asks if the other man would
　　take the penguins there. He agrees.
　　Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is
　　still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and
　　look happy.
　　"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the
　　first driver.
　　The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to
　　the cinema now."
　　(Present continuous / just for fun)
　　Submitted by Jeremy Hookway
　　________________________________________
　　One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of
　　the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and
　　immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy,
　　although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be
　　disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10
　　minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor
　　told him he would not take the test.
　　The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"
　　The prof said, "No and I don't care."
　　The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"
　　The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests,
　　placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.
　　"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.
　　Submitted by Mary Cobb Neighbors
　　________________________________________
　　A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
　　The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
　　In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
　　seat near the rear of the bus.
　　The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what

　　was wrong.
　　"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
　　The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't
　　say
　　things to insult passengers."
　　"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a
　　piece of my mind."
　　"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
　　Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
　　________________________________________
　　James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.
　　"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none
　　on the other. Did you know?"
　　"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."
　　"The Weather forecast?"
　　"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might
　　be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."
　　(Cantonese students have problems with "on the other hand" because there
　　is a similar expression in Cantonese that means "in addition". This joke
　　helps highlight the contrast implied.)
　　Submitted by Dick Tibbetts, Macau
　　________________________________________
　　This worked fine with my level 200a on up.
　　A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor
　　and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot
　　mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it
　　became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the
　　bird's bad words embarrassed him very much.
　　As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,"That
　　language must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the
　　bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird
　　cursed him.
　　Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the
　　refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,the
　　parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again
　　the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the
　　door of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door.
　　This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door
　　and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up
　　the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very
　　frightened:
　　"I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there.. what did they say?"
　　Submitted by Peggy Datz
　　________________________________________
　　I think this joke is funny and so far, all of my intermediate to advanced
　　ESL classes have agreed with me.
　　A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
　　The bartender says "What can I get you?"
　　Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
　　Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
　　No, I'm afraid we don't.
　　And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.
　　The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a
　　bar stool.
　　Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
　　Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
　　Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look
　　buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?
　　The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
　　The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses
　　when he hears a familiar voice
　　Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
　　The bartender is really ticked off.
　　Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking
　　for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your
　　little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet
　　of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?
　　And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.
　　The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to
　　the bartender and the bartender says,
　　"What the heck do YOU want?"
　　Umm. do you have any nails?
　　What!? OF course not.
　　Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?

　　----
　　I taught my students waddle, webbed feet but you could teach What the heck
　　do you want, pal, barkeep, bartender, etc
　　It is also good to review "any"
　　________________________________________
　　A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The vet looks at
　　the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examining room. In the
　　examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all
　　over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything.
　　The doctor say "Your dog is dead."
　　The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill.
　　"That'll be $325" says the receptionist.
　　"What! $325? How's that possible?"
　　"It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan."
　　NOTE: The students might not recognise the word CAT scan.
　　Submitted by Christine MacBrien (as told to her by her brother Dave in
　　Toronto
　　________________________________________
　　The two beginning ESL students went to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they
　　began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word "Hawaii." One
　　student insisted that it's Hawaii, with a "w" sound. The other student
　　said it was pronounced like "Havaii," with a "v" sound.
　　Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was
　　correct. The old man said it's "Havaii." The student who was right was
　　very happy, and thanked the old man.
　　The old man said "you're velcome."
　　Submitted by: Brian Madden
　　________________________________________
　　Every day, an ESL teacher was seen coming out of the rest room with a
　　marker, used for writing. In the rest room were expressions and graffitti
　　written on the walls. It was very bad. Finally, the Director of the school
　　called the teacher into the office and told the teacher that it was
　　terrible of him to write those things on the walls. The teacher said that
　　he was not the one writing those things. All that the teacher did was to
　　correct the grammar.
　　Submitted by: Brian Madden
　　________________________________________
　　"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.
　　"Why not, son?"
　　"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had
　　chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs
　　died and we had roast pork the next day."
　　"But why don't you want to go today?"
　　"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"
　　________________________________________
　　A man was driving at 80 kph one day when he was passed by a 3-legged
　　chicken. He accelerated and passed the chicken. Three minutes later the
　　chicken passed him again as he was driving at 100 kph. The man tried to
　　catch the chicken but it ran down a side road. The man followed it into a
　　farmyard but couldn't find it anywhere. He saw the farmer and told him the
　　story and the man asked for an explanation. The farmer said that he, his
　　wife and his son all liked chicken legs so he bred 3-legged chickens.
　　"What do they taste like?" asked the man.
　　"I don't know", replied the farmer, "we haven't caught one yet"
　　Submitted by: Alastair Rice
　　________________________________________
　　This one will perhaps only be good for your more advanced students.
　　A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman
　　refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of
　　you. Get out!'
　　The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road
　　and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he says to one
　　of the girls, would you tie a knot in me?' This she does. 'Please,' the
　　piece of string says to the other girl,'would you mind taking your comb
　　and fluffing out the ends of my string?' so the girl obliges.
　　'Thank you' says the string and he turns around, goes back into the bar
　　and immediately orders a drink again.
　　The barman looks at him quizzically and says 'aren't you the piece of
　　string that was in here a moment ago?'
　　'No' came the answer, 'I'm a frayed knot.'
　　Submitted by: Catherine
　　________________________________________
　　Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly
　　mother on Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a huge house. The
　　second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The third brother
　　remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, but couldn't
　　see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot that could
　　recite any verse from the Bible on demand.
　　Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The first
　　son's note said, "The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in
　　a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!" The second son
　　got a note that said, "I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use
　　the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!" The
　　third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, you know just what your
　　mother loves! The chicken was delicious!"
　　Teaching Notes: We previewed some of the vocabulary, such as limousine,
　　trained, delicious, and gave a printed copy of the joke to the students as
　　part of a reading activity. We knew they were finished when they started
　　chuckling. If the reference to the Bible would be inappropriate for your
　　class, you might adapt the joke by substituting "the classics")
　　Submitted by: Eve Ross
　　________________________________________
　　George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt. This parrot was a very
　　nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took
　　the parrot and put it in the freezer.
　　The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.
　　George thought to himself, "On no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."
　　He opened the door and saw the bird alive!
　　The bird said, "I'm sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.
　　George said, "Why the change?"
　　The bird answered, "Because I saw what you did to the other bird.
　　(HInt: He saw the frozen chicken.)
　　Submitted by Erin McCluskey
　　________________________________________
　　A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to
　　live.
　　He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she
　　said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell
　　me."
　　The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen
　　cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you
　　said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm
　　about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that
　　secret box of yours?"
　　The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained
　　$100,000 and three eggs.
　　"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked.
　　"Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put
　　an egg in the box."
　　Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only
　　three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about
　　himself and it warmed his soul.
　　"And what about that $100.000?"" he asked.
　　"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs
　　in the box, I ..sold them."
　　Submitted by Tim Allen, Switzerland
　　________________________________________
　　A man goes out of prison after twenty years. He decides to go back to the
　　neighbourhood where he lived. When he gets there he cannot recognize the
　　place. Everything has changed a lot. The places he used to visit have all
　　disappeared. Even the pub has disappeared.He is very tired and would like
　　to have something to eat. He goes into a small café and has a coffee and a
　　sandwich.When he takes out his wallet he finds a shoemaker ticket in it.
　　He then remembers that the last thing he had done before being arrested
　　was to take a pair of shoes to the shoemaker's. He decides to go there and
　　try. What a wondeful thing! The shoemaker is still at the same place. He
　　gets into the shop and tells the shoemaker that about twenty years before
　　he had left him a pair of shoes to have them repaired. The shoemaker has a
　　look at the ticket and says: "O.K. Come back tomorrow. They will be ready
　　then." Some things never change.
　　Submitted by Christine MAZEAU
　　________________________________________
　　I was once told by a Japanese student that this is an old story.
　　One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were
　　sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.
　　They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they
　　decided one of them should go out for more beer.
　　The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this
　　is your neighborhood so you know where to go."
　　The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up
　　the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."
　　So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how
　　to get to the nearest liquor store.
　　An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail
　　and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.
　　They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting
　　there putting on his shoes.
　　Submitted by Rodney A. Hoiseth - Roth Corporation
　　________________________________________
　　This joke never fails to get a laugh.
　　A man slow witted man walked into a pattent office. He walked up to the
　　patent officer and said, "Hey, I've got a new idea for a mouse trap."
　　(Draw a box on the blackboard.)
　　"Here's the box." (Draw a hole in the box.) "Here's the hole." (Draw a
　　circle in the bottom of the hole) "Here's the cheese." (Draw a line across
　　the hole in the box.) "Here's the blade. The mouse sticks his head in the
　　holeto get the cheese, the blade drops on his neck and kills him."
　　The patent officer looks at the diagram. He understands that the man is a
　　little slow so he wants to be kind. He explains to the man that he does
　　not think the design is ready to be patented yet. He tells the man,
　　"Please, work on it some more. Perhaps I will be able to patent it another
　　time." The slow witted man says thank you and leaves the office.
　　One week later the slow witted man shows up again. (Draw the exact same
　　example on the board in exactly the same way.) The slow witted man says,
　　"This is the box, this is the hole, this is the cheese and this is the
　　wire. The mouse sticks his head in the hole to get the cheese, the wire
　　wraps around his neck and kills him."
　　The patent officer, still trying to be kind, makes the same excuse as
　　before. The slow witted man leaves.
　　One week later the slow witted man returns. He approaches the same pattent
　　officer and says, (The exact same things)
　　"Here's the box. Here's the hole. (This time he draws a zig-zag line
　　across the hole and he does not draw a circle for the cheese.) After
　　completing the zig-zag line, the slow witted man proclaims, "and here's
　　the saw blade."
　　The patent officer notices the design and the fact that that ther is no
　　cheese. He asks the slow witted man, "Where's the cheese." "Ah-ha," says
　　the slow witted man.
　　"That's the point. The mouse sticks his head in the

Answer 2

有一天，俺商店里来了个外国人买西餐料。他选好一样东西，俺就在计算器上摁出价钱给他看。当然俺有点不好意思了，而且俺还会句英语。
于是 ，俺就对他说：
“I am sorry”。
“I am sorry， too” 外国人回答。
“I am sorry three” 我道。
“What are you sorry for?” 外国人问。
“I am sorry five” 我说……

——————————————————————————

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up
the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

——————————————————————————

Early Shopper

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.

"Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

采购过早

那天是圣诞节，法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么而被起诉？”他问。

“采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。

“这不算犯法，”法官回答，“你购物多早？”

在商店开门之前，“犯人应道。