Question

跪求高手批改托福作文！能力很有限 希望给打个分再说一下一些明显的错误，9号就考试了 急！！！！ 谢谢

题目：同不同意 一个团队有不同的观点就不会成功
In present-day society, team work plays an in increasingly significant role in achievement. However, we have to face the problem of variety of ideas in our team. Some people ,as the result, oppose that the advantages of team work prevail over its disadvantages. Theoretically, it may be true, but in reality I think different views can be successful as a team.

The primary factory we need to take into consideration is that we can make more definite communication with other in this team and to address some divided ideas .this is because if we hold our idea and think others are weakness, many trouble will ensue . So ,we can fluently change our thought and ask some suggestion with our colleague , and make one idea that the best .Moreover, every one has their good for things in different fields ,so we would be well-advised to learn some new thing inject into our thought and combine one useful idea .History is filled with example of Abraham Lincoln ,he is a celebrity and well-know in America ,when he in a team ,which army for north of American. He organized army with hundreds and thousands of people ,however, he have not strong hold his ideas in some advised circumstance.

Furthermore, from a success point.it is not essential ingredient part of our companies .on the contrary, the produce is more important .its difficult to say what is success achieve, there have not evidence standard for our things .

I would acknowledge that if we do not more communicate , there are a lot of conflict with other people .however, when we hold individual’s ideas ,is not necessary to give some consideration to team spirit ? that is a foundation in their companies or schools .

Having all the arguments above. In my opinion, both from team spirit and achievement perspectives, different view also can achieve success with more understanding and communication in a team,

Answer 1

17-19分间，例子过于普通且缺少数据支持，官方及学术用语偏少，加把油，上23不成为题的！

追问

谢谢咯！顺便问一下例子什么样得才算好得　我是自学的　之前考过雅思对托福不是很了急

追答

虽然大家都在骂china daily，但我的数据收集就从上面来的，加一些简写与数据分析方法。你就抓住考官的心了，他们最爱看到考生的学科素养！

追问

明白了　　就是加点自己或生活中的例子再用些数据支持么？
谢谢

追答

差不多，但表姐表妹的例子就别再举了，too old-fashioned.

Answer 2

我说，你觉得一篇作文就能判断出得17-19吗？= =。我汗了。

追问

那你说能得几分。。？

追答

...姐姐。我也是学生啊。我怎么知道。。。好好改作文才是王道。。

Answer 3

内容可以 但是文笔需要加油 我不认为toefl essay需要用很nerdy特别academic的词汇。你要明白toefl essay 的目的是什么。不是看你vocabulary,syntax如何的。有其他的部分考那个。toefl essay是看你在最短的时间里最有效的表达自己的观点。你的观点我勉强可以看懂，但是看得出来很多词汇你半懂不懂就用上来了。你的句式等等过于冗长。如果我改文章的话，我在style/syntax方面会这么改：
In contemporary society team work is essential for making great achievements. However, sometimes members of a team cannot have unified opinion regarding a problem. As a result some people are against team work, saying that the advantages of team work cannot compensate the drawbacks. But I think a team can be successful however diverse opinions its members hold.
下面我来把你第一段的明显的错误指出来：
In present-day society, team work plays an in increasingly significant role in achievement〔是什么achievement？很容易让人一头雾水。〕. However, we have to face the problem of variety of 〔两个of连在一起，太纠结了。你要理解美国考官最讨厌各种it seems that...还有of之类的句型。为什么不能用主动的形式直接说呢？〕ideas in our team[your team？只要说a team就好了〕. Some people ,as the result, oppose that the advantages of team work prevail over[你知道prevail的正确用法么？如果不知道的话查字典或者不用。最常见的prevail的phrasal verb是prevail against。不是over. 〕 its disadvantages. Theoretically[可能别人会追问了，你指的是什么theory？其实只要说,at first glance it seems...或者superficially it seems就可以了〕, it may be true, but in reality I think different views can be successful as a team.〔看看你这个句式。views...can be ...team。这个也太chinglish点？额。。。至少的话可以这么说：in reality i think even if members hold different views, the team can be successful.]我不认为你的personal example有什么不好，只要你很正常的表达自己的观点就可以了。其实一篇短essay里面举2个例子就好，一般来说，一个名人的，一个personal的。
如果我评分的话，我最多会给60％到70％的分数。你的语法薄弱，尽管逻辑还可以。开篇一定要简洁，开门见山，最好不要冷冰冰的有点文学性。

Answer 4

你可以到新东方批改网上提交一下。我已经体验了好几篇粗批作文了，感觉老是给批改的确实很好，还会提出改进建议。但是我由于是考GRE的AW，实在是对自己的作文水平没有信心。