Question

要几篇英语短篇笑话，故事，最好有人物对话和旁白，不要太长的100多字就够了.谢谢。

要有人物对话，最好只有两个角色。谢谢。

Answer 1

　　杨科长：发生在一个MA[ 漆 ]黑的夜晚，这个晚上那真是风高月黑。。。
　　贼：真是伸手……不见票子啊。。。
　　杨科长：只听见“喀啦啦啦啦啦……”
　　贼：何该啦？[ 怎么啦？]
　　杨科长：一个炸雷
　　贼：吓得我一滚哪
　　杨科长：只见“唰啦啦啦啦啦。。。”
　　贼：又该啦？[ 又怎么了？]
　　杨科长：一道长达七分半的闪电
　　贼：好无聊的闪电， 这么长！
　　杨科长：又听见“哗啦啦啦啦啦。。。”
　　贼：什么动静
　　杨科长：那是倾盆大雨
　　贼：呀，正是我下手的好机会
　　杨科长：远处传来“呜儿呜儿呜儿呜儿。。。”
　　贼：哎哟，警察来了！
　　杨科长：哇，是辆救护车
　　贼：那个开救护车的我警告你啦，我最听不得这个声音了啊 ！
　　杨科长：院子里传来几声狗叫，“旺旺旺旺。。。。”
　　贼：这是MU子[ 什么]品种的狗啊~
　　杨科长：这是我们家养的狼狗。……这几天我老觉得左眼皮在跳，
　　贼：左眼[ AI ]跳财
　　杨科长：右眼皮它有时候也跳
　　贼：右眼[ AI ]跳灾
　　杨科长：怪就怪在两个眼皮它一块跳 ！
　　贼：这恐怕是中风的前兆啦！
　　杨科长：不好，怎么突然停电了
　　贼：嘻嘻嘻，电线被我剪断了
　　杨科长：我电话哪去了
　　贼：电话被我剪断了
　　杨科长：我的狼狗怎么不叫了
　　贼：狼狗被我剪断了
　　杨科长：我得出去看看，
　　贼：出来我就把你也剪断了
　　杨科长：不好，今天晚上有情况，我得严加防范（模仿开门声音，开锁、上锁声音），
　　贼：哼，我盯了他一个多月了。。。。哼，这种防盗锁还是我设计的（模仿开锁声音）
　　杨科长：（模仿门弹回来的声音）
　　贼：（被门打到，咳嗽）哎哟，这叫吃了暗亏作不得声喽，（站起，推）这是个弹簧门耶。。。我就不信，（又推）
　　杨科长：（模仿门弹回来的声音）“嗵。。。”不好，屋子里有动静，（来回挥舞手臂，口中配合发出风声）。。。谁！？。。。（继续来回挥舞手臂）虚惊一场。没人吧！
　　贼：没人吧，没人吧，没人吧，没人吧。。。
　　杨科长：我们家多大的房子这么大回声啊
　　贼：这么大回声啊，这么大回声啊，这么大回声啊，这么大回声啊。。。。
　　杨科长：我走啦
　　贼：你走吧，你走吧，你走吧，你走吧，你走吧。。。
　　我（加重）走啦
　　贼：你（加重）走吧，你走吧，你走吧，你走吧，你走吧。。。
　　杨科长：这不活见鬼了吗，（模仿开门声音，开锁、关锁声音）
　　贼：哼，被我吓跑了，看我给他来个一扫空。。。。碰到墙壁。。。这个人真有钱哪。。。墙壁都是软包的。。。哼。。。不对，这像个保险柜。。。（模仿开密码声音）。。。存折。。。港币。。。美元。。。假票子
　　杨科长：（配合贼的动作，模仿开保险柜的声音。。。模仿很多金属掉地上的声音）
　　贼：金条。。。银条。。。铜条。。。油条（把手一挥，扔掉）。。。我后悔呀，我怎么没带个麻袋来的哪，我发个财容易吗，我拿衣服包。。。
　　杨科长：我把他衣服拿到一边去
　　贼：。。。我衣服呢。。。是丢在这里的，不可能啊。。。难道有贼呀。。。
　　杨科长：没贼
　　贼：没贼，我衣服哪去了
　　杨科长：你就是贼！（模仿开灯声音）啪！
　　贼：哎哎哟！哪个开灯啊
　　杨科长：我开的灯
　　贼：我剪断了啊
　　杨科长：我用的是应急灯。哼，你不是盯了我一个月了吗，这回见个面吧。。。哟，就这眼神还偷东西
　　贼：叔叔。。。
　　杨科长：嗯？
　　贼：伯伯。。。
　　杨科长：叫这个没用
　　贼：爷爷。。。
　　杨科长：把我叫老了！
　　贼：姐夫。。。
　　杨科长：哎！。。。谁是你姐夫？
　　贼：我有姐姐一定嫁给你
　　杨科长：我原来老婆怎么办？
　　贼：她大房，我是二房
　　杨科长：什么二房！站好了！
　　贼：哎
　　杨科长：立正！稍息。一看就是个老麻雀了。我这有大哥大
　　贼：哎哟，姐夫哥
　　杨科长：喂！110吗，我是姐夫，啊！我是杨科长啊
　　贼：咳，杨大科长
　　杨科长：我们家来贼了！被我一网打尽了！
　　贼：哎呀，那么一个贼，什么一网打尽。。。
　　杨科长：这不是说你！哦，马上就来？越快越好！110马上来，跟警察叔叔交代交代吧
　　贼：杨大科长
　　杨科长：嗯
　　贼：我也是没有办法

　　杨科长：嗯
　　贼：我上有十八岁的老母，下有八十岁的儿女
　　杨科长：你们家乱套了吧
　　贼：我想当工人吧，我又没手艺
　　杨科长：哦
　　贼：当农民吧我又怕累，我摆个槟榔摊子吧还不够我吃
　　杨科长：你就是好吃懒做
　　贼：我想开个金器店吧，我又没货
　　杨科长：那你怎么办哪？
　　贼：还不是各家各户进点货嘛
　　杨科长：这就是偷啊！
　　贼：偷他来得快呀。。。
　　杨科长：抢银行来得还快
　　贼：那死得快。。。
　　杨科长：（模仿开枪声音）嘭！
　　贼：啊？
　　杨科长：快点！
　　贼：啊？
　　杨科长：把东西给我拿出来！
　　贼：好好，这六十万的存折。。。你真的有钱哪
　　杨科长：什么钱。。。
　　贼：四十八个金戒指
　　杨科长：呵呵。。。
　　贼：你拿脚带都带不完
　　杨科长：我当耳环
　　贼：六十个金项链。。。你小小个科长，怎么发这么大的冤鬼财哪？
　　杨科长：发什么财，常在河边走哪有不湿鞋的，既然湿了鞋，我就洗个脚，既然洗个脚，我就洗个澡，越洗越邋遢，干脆一通乱搞。。。。
　　贼：你是乱搞乱发财的咯
　　杨科长：发什么财，小小的公仆，老黄牛。。。
　　贼：你这个牛棚真够大的哈
　　杨科长：哎？是我审你呢，是你审我？
　　贼：立正！稍息！一看就是个老麻雀。。。杨大科长！杨大贪污犯！你还跟我罗哩吧嗦，啊？110马上就到了，到时候我揭发你就算我立个功！我让你变成。。。哼哼哼。。。
　　杨科长：你别忘了你是贼！
　　贼：你也不是什么好东西！我抓进去过两天就能放出来
　　杨科长：那我抓进去可就出不来了。。。哎呀，救命啊。。。姐夫
　　贼：你喊哪个姐夫
　　杨科长：我喊你作姐夫。。。我有姐姐一定嫁给你
　　贼：呸！
　　杨科长：你老吐唾沫，不讲卫生，罚款！我告诉你。
　　贼：你都老成这样了，你姐姐还怎么嫁给我啦
　　杨科长：老姐夫老姐夫。。。。求求你，我也就是个小小的芝蔴官，揩点芝麻油，吃点芝麻酱，喝点芝麻糊嘛！我求求你，等会儿警察来了，你别醒我的门子，我也不说你是贼，咱们两下都好，不就完了吗
　　贼：你什么意思
　　杨科长：到时候，你就说你是我姐夫。。。
　　贼：我怎么是你姐夫！
　　杨科长：那我是你姐夫！
　　贼：呸！
　　杨科长：你怎么老乱吐唾沫！罚款！
　　贼：我是你爹！
　　杨科长：哪有这么年轻的爹咯！
　　贼：认贼作父嘛
　　杨科长：你就说咱俩是双胞胎不就完了吗
　　贼：我们两个差这么远，怎么会是双胞胎！？
　　杨科长：警察叔叔，我们俩是那长得不像的怪胎！呵呵呵。。。一家人，一场误会，没事啦！拜拜！
　　贼：然后呢？
　　杨科长：警察叔叔就走了
　　贼：然后呢
　　杨科长：然后你就走了
　　贼：再然后呢
　　杨科长：我就跑了。。。
　　贼：立正！
　　杨科长：干什么？
　　贼：你跑了我怎么办！
　　杨科长：你。。。的意思。。。
　　贼：贼不走空
　　杨科长：啊？
　　贼：你就各家各户进货
　　杨科长：嗯？
　　贼：一九分成
　　杨科长：好，给你百分之十
　　贼：你神经吧你，
　　杨科长：嗯？
　　贼：我九你一
　　杨科长：你九我一？
　　贼：嗯？
　　杨科长：我辛辛苦苦几十年，让你一偷偷到解放前啦！
　　贼：你给不给？
　　杨科长：不给！
　　贼：不给啊，110哎！
　　杨科长：哎哎。。。（捂住贼口）。。。一半！
　　贼：好多？
　　杨科长：一半！
　　贼：说的得算，快点拿钱！
　　杨科长：不行，我给你钱，你照样醒我门子
　　贼：哎呀，你放心，我是洞庭湖的老麻雀，见过风哪
　　杨科长：那咱们再练习一遍
　　贼：怎么练习，你这个人就是麻烦
　　杨科长：我现在就是警察。你！
　　贼：啊？
　　杨科长：干什么的？
　　贼：哎呀，政府、干部，哎哟，我冤枉哪。。。
　　杨科长：这还没审你呢，你哭什么呢你？
　　贼：哦，搞惯了
　　杨科长：还是老麻雀。你！
　　贼：啊？
　　杨科长：跟他什么关系？
　　贼：我是他爹。。。啊啊啊。。。他是我爹。。。不不不。。。我们是双胞胎。。。
　　杨科长：双胞胎？他长得怎么这么老啊？
　　贼：他？
　　杨科长：嗯！
　　贼：他早熟！。。。他吃错了药。。。
　　杨科长：你才吃错了药。你长得怎么这么难看哪？
　　贼：我职业病
　　杨科长：什么职业？
　　贼：贼眉鼠眼
　　杨科长：你干什么来了？
　　贼：我是来进货的
　　杨科长：进什么货的？
　　贼：还不是六十万的存折，四十八个金戒指，六十条金项链。。。
　　杨科长：行了！你全说出来了
　　贼：我记起来了，他还偷了我一件衣服呢！
　　（杨科长说的一些话可以改成旁白）

Answer 2

一
有一天，俺商店里来了个外国人买西餐料。他选好一样东西，俺就在计算器上摁出价钱给他看。当然俺有点不好意思了，而且俺还会句英语。
于是 ，俺就对他说：
“I am sorry”。
“I am sorry， too” 外国人回答。
“I am sorry three” 我道。
“What are you sorry for?” 外国人问。
“I am sorry five” 我说……
二
男：Can I have your name?（直译：我能有你的名字吗？）
女：Why? Don''t you already have one? （为什么？你不是已经有一个了吗？）
三、
A tourist was visiting New Mexico and was amazed at the dinosaur bones lying about.
How old are these bones? the tourist asked an elderly Native American, who served as a guide.
Exactly one hundred million and three years old.
How can you be so sure? inquired the tourist.
Well, replied the guide, a geologist came by here and told me these bones were one hundred million years old, and that was exactly three years ago.
一位游客在新墨西哥游览。他对随处可见的恐龙化石甚感惊奇。
这些化石有多长的历史？游客问一个上了年纪的当地美国人。他是作向导的。
整整十亿零三年了。
你怎么这么肯定？游客问道。
哦，向导回答道，一个地质学家来过这儿，他告诉我说这些化石有十亿年了，再加上那是整整三年前的事了。
四。A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

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Here is a good riddle to demonstrate the battle-between-the-sexes kind of jokes.

Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman?
A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments.
A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!

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Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
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An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.

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A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!

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Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?

She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.

(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach have double meanings.)

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Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

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Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

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Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.

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Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?
A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit)
(Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?)

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A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

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This is a good one to follow the following previously submitted joke.
A: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)

A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
B: Still no idea.

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A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.

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Q: When does the (English) alphabet have only 25 letters?
A: At Christmas time, because it is the time of Noel. (No L)

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Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.
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Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.
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Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.
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Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of their fingers.
(Giants' nails.)
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Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
A: A stamp.
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Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A blackboard.
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These need to be written.
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.

Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards.

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Q: What do elephants have that no other animal has?
A: Baby elephants.
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Depending on where you live, students will enjoy this one.
Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?
A: Mississippi.

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Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved!
Submitted by: Eric Stein
五
"Larry! Come here!" said his furious mother, putting the telephone down, " I’ve just had a call 　　from Mrs. Harrison about your behavior to her Doris at the school dance last night. You wretched, rude boy!"
　　"I was nice to her, Mum, really I was!" protested the youth.
　　"I even paid her a compliment when we had a dance."
　　"Did you, indeed?" said his mother grimly, "And what exactly did you say?"
　　"I said, Gosh, Doris, you sweat less than any fat girl I’ve ever danced with!"
　　“拉里，你过来！”妈妈放下电话后生气地说，“我刚才接到哈里森夫人地电话，她告诉我你在昨晚的学校舞会上对多丽丝行为不好，你可耻，粗鲁！”
　　“妈妈，我对她很好，真的！”小伙子不服气地说。“当我和她跳舞时我还说了一句恭维她的话。”
　　“你真的这么做的吗？”妈妈严厉地问。“你的原话是怎么说的？”
　　“我说，啊呀，多丽丝，你比我跳过舞的任何胖姑娘出汗都少！”

你看看这些合不合适，不合适的话我再找

Answer 3

After being away business, tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife alittle gift.
"How about some perfume?"he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed ihm a $50.00 bottle
"that's a bit much," said tim ,"it i'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror
翻译：汤姆出差回来，觉得应该给妻子带点小礼物。
“那些香水怎么卖？”他问化妆品销售员。销售员给了他一款售价50美元的香水。
“有点贵了。”汤姆说。于是售货员又拿了一款售价30美元的小瓶香水。
“还是贵了点。”汤姆抱怨道。
售货员渐渐不耐烦了起来，她拿给汤姆一瓶很小的香水，售价15美元。
“我的意思是，”汤姆说，“我想看一些真正便宜的东西。”
售货员递给汤姆一面镜子。
都自己打的。。再不给可忒不给面子了啊~！！！

Answer 4

你直接去选罗密欧与朱丽叶的对话就好了……
或者是 哈莫雷特