Question

我写的2010安徽高考英语作文

安徽英语书面表达（满分25分）
假如你将参加某英语杂志社开展的一次征文活动，征文的内容要求你在电视、手机(cell)和网络三考中，放弃其中一个并陈述理由。请你以“Which would you give the TV, cell, or Web”为题，写一篇英语短文。
注意：
1.字数100左右；
2.可以适当增加细节，以使行文连贯。

Which would you give up: TV, cell, or Web?
Nowadays, TV, cell, and Web are very common in our daily life. If I have to choose one to give up, I will choose the cell.
I think as middle school students, we don't need the cell in that we don't have many people to contact. In addition, masses of rubbish short messages spread through the cell, disturbing our studying. Moreover, there are a great deal of bad information on some mobile phone websites, which is harmful to our mental health. I also notice that some students are addicted to sending short messages during the class.
However, I believe that TV and Web are both useful. For instance, we can get the latest news through TV in time, and only by surfing the Internet can we gain some knowledge that cannot be learned in the class.
To sum it up, I'd rather give up the cell.
按照满分25分打个分，并评价一下，谢谢

Answer 1

看了一遍，觉得你的主要问题是语句不通顺 （不是说语法不对，就是这么用着有点别扭）。还有一个就是词汇还不够，在我看来用词比较简单，缺少可以为你加分的深度。这两个可能就是你得了18的原因；但我觉得你的整体结构啊什么的都是没问题的，我打的话20左右。下面在你的文里举几个例子。
“Nowadays, TV, cell, and Web are very common in our daily life. ” 如果改成 "Televisions, cell phones and the internet are all very widely used in our daily life." 就好些，名词前面不是复数应该加个 "the"

"masses of rubbish short messages" 应该是“junk message" 啦，不是"rubbish" 哦。

”there are a great deal of bad information“ 应该是 "there is", "information" 是不可数名词。还有，尽量避免用比较空泛的形容词，比如 "bad"/"good", 因为看起来觉得你词汇不够，影响打分者对你的印象。

”on some mobile phone websites“ - "some of the mobile phone websites"

"which is harmful to our mental health" - "mental development" 虽然你说的没错，但是听起来别扭。。。

"However, I believe that TV and Web are both useful" - "on the other hand...", 用"however"一般是在说同一件事物的不同方面时用的。

就这些，没考好也不要担心，继续努力学习吧。

追问

这是我去年高考时写的，我是高二的时候以少年班考生身份参加高考的，所以算是“无本生意”，无所谓。虽然没考好，但有了一些经验，也好。我现在读着也觉得我自己写得不好了，今年肯定不会的了。

Answer 2

实际阅卷会有很多因素影响评分包括卷面书写等等，楼主得18分很可能是书写不很完美吧，我也是2010安徽考生，当然我英语不好只有110多分

Answer 3

only by surfing the Internet can we gain some knowledge that cannot be learned in the class.这句话、在逻辑上是不通的、
其他的都挺好的、应该能在21、22分左右、

追问

此篇作文在高考中实际得分：18分。
不知何故！