Question

老师，我写了2010江西高考英语作文，请您批阅

我是根据您的意见注意一点写的，请您看看。
题目：英语中“please” “thank you” “sorry”等礼貌用语具有增进友谊，改善关系、化解矛盾神奇的力量，因而被称为“magic words”。请以“Magic Power of Polite Words”为题写一篇100词左右的英语作文。体裁不限（叙述文、评论文、说论文……）
我的作文：
Magic Power of Polite Words
Indeed, being polite, especially using polite words in everyday life, has some magic power. Not only does it enhance our friendship and better our relationship but it also clears up barriers of communication. Let me take my own experience as an example.
One day last year, I was hurrying up to go to my classroom when suddenly, a girl of another class run out of the room. She appeared so suddenly that it seemed impossible for me to stop in time. Then, as you can imagine, she was knocked over, falling onto the ground. Immediately, I said "sorry" to her and showed my guilty sincerely, which made her forgive me and built up friendship between us.
It is politeness that plays a vital role in our social relationship. So next time you talk with others, just fill your mouths with those magic words, and you'll surely be welcomed everywhere.
这篇文章我稍微注意了一下多用一些语法现象，但我自己感觉还不是很多。请您给我改下并打分，并提出不足之处，谢谢！
对了，这篇文章一共大约140词，超了词数，不知要不要紧？

Answer 1

总体上这一片还可以，但不如上次写的，大概17-18分左右，词数最好控制在110-120 左右，建议如下
Magic Power of Polite Words
1.Indeed, being polite, especially using polite words in everyday life, has some magic power.
建议:Being polite, especially using polite words in everyday life, indeed has some magic power. 这样可以让indeed 用来起强调作用。
2.Not only does it enhance our friendship and better our relationship but it also clears up barriers of communication.
建议：我觉得这个better 用得很好，也可以用以前一片阅读理解中的句子 smooth up the bumps in our relationship. 另外我觉得把介词of 改成in 更合适。
3.Let me take my own experience as an example.
建议：take… for example 是固定词组
4.One day last year, I was hurrying up to go to my classroom when suddenly, a girl of another class run out of the room.
建议：可用the other day 代替 one day; when 后面suddenly 去掉，与when 语义重复。
5.She appeared so suddenly that it seemed impossible for me to stop in time.
本句没有什么问题，但是写作要词组之上，建议用turn up 代替 appear
6.Then, as you can imagine, she was knocked over, falling onto the ground.
建议：可加上表示程度的副词 heavily.
7.Immediately, I said "sorry" to her and showed my guilty sincerely, which made her forgive me and built up friendship between us.
建议：immediately 可换成 Upon seeing this ; guilty 换成 apology; Build up 强调过程，建议改为 start up.
8.It is politeness that plays a vital role in our social relationship.
9. So next time you talk with others, just fill your mouths with those magic words, and you'll surely be welcomed everywhere.
建议： you 的前面加个 when; let those magic words fly through your mouth更形象。

追问

那到底怎么写才好呢？这篇分数竟然这么低，我是不是该回归自己“自然、流畅”的写法？
另外，上届高三几个学长英语作文高考中都得了17分，我看过他们的作文，跟我的根本不是一个档次的，比我要差许多。他们作文里语法错误都有许多。他们高考英语也就110几分，而我平时都在135~145之间，在今年清华等七校自主招生考试中我也取得的英语科安徽省第7名的成绩，难道我的作文跟他们是一个水平的？
有点疑惑与不解。。。

追答

这倒不是说你写的不好。但注意这是考试，高考阅卷7天左右时间，最快的老师批改8000份作文，平均30-50秒一片，要想获高分，一定要有亮点！读完后，要让老师印象深刻。

追问

您的修改都很好，但有一处我有疑问：
when 后面suddenly 去掉，与when 语义重复。
when suddenly在一起用我在书上看过，好像能这样用吧。

追答

连用时可以的，但是be doing...when 我们通常就翻译成 正在干。。。突然。。。
另外，跟你说一件高考改卷中的事。在统一标准模拟改卷的时候，我们遇到过一篇文章，我以及坐在我旁边的几位老师分别给分 10 ， 12， 13 。但是专家组最终给分21分。差距很大，但是你想过没有，如果那张考卷是我们改，那他最终能得多少分？ 两位老师分差不超过5分，就是有效的。我的意思是，假如我给你18分，另一位老师给你21分，那你最终得分就是19.5.

Answer 2

不要紧的，这篇写的不是很好，还要再改进！！！——林老师

Answer 3

第二段 第三段写的不错，第一段看着别扭， 读着不顺畅， 我建议你多看看高考的满分作文， 作文不在于用了多少复杂的语法 ， 关键在于流畅， 第一段第一句我看着比较别扭 ，有故意词组， 语法的拼凑 。高考作文比较容易，关键是重视转折词的运用，起到衔接作用，但是这些副词不能乱用，而且一篇小作文不要出现重复的词或者句型。另外注意超过二十个词扣2分！！切记。还有一些比较不常见的词组的意思和句型，最好不要用。 Indeed, being polite, especially using polite words in everyday life, has some magic power这句 我就别扭你直接开头一个Indeed,后面还用了个 especially using polite words in everyday life 这句很有毛病 还不如直接Being polite in everyday life, has some magic power。另外 Not only does it enhance our friendship and better ...这个better让我看着郁闷。。开头不好 后面不错 作文主要看开头，建议你多看记一些名句~字体写好一点。。。另外祝你成功

Answer 4

很不错！坚持，但需要多用点高级词汇。