Question

求大牛给我的托福作文求打分，提建议

Topic: Do you agree that the government should support the scientific research even there is no practical use?

To support or not support the "pure" scientific research, this is an especially controversial topic debated all over the world by not only politicians, media, but also by the whole society. I believe that the government should support the scientific research which appears of no practical value.

The fact that people see no value of some scientific research may simply because that the people just don't see it yet. Many research subjects were only applied to practice after a relatively long period of time. Number theory is a good example. It is studied since ancient Greece, but never had a chance to be applied to practice until the twentieth century. The need of security of data and personal information only grows significantly after the invention of telecommunication and Internet. Believe it or not, most cryptographic algorithms today are based on some basic lemmas in number theory. The number theory, which was once called “pure math” and was only studied by nobles, provides a solid foundation to prove and test the reliability of cryptographic algorithms, and becomes a mandatory subject for everyone in Computer Science major today.

Additionally, it is part of human nature to explore the unsolved mysteries and the beauty of knowledge, and the motivation can date back to the ancient Greece. In Plato’s Academy, people are required to understand Geometry before he is accepted. It is because that Plato believes that people can reach, or approach the perfection in the study of Geometry, which doesn’t exist in the real world. The intention of learning is not about the usefulness, but about the curiosity, interest, and the chase of perfection.

In conclusion, the government should provide necessary support to the scientific research, even though there is no apparent or immediate value. It is proved by history that it is always too early to tell the usefulness of science, and as core part of human nature, the pursuing of knowledge and perfection should be encouraged.

Answer 1

你这篇文章最多是FAIR
首先，你有很多语法错误，你的水平还无法写长句，既然不能用好那么复杂的句子为什么不用短句子呢？记住：好文章永远是长短有致！否则judge会看烦，你尤其应该注意主谓一致问题，每段一个长句足以成为good
第二，你的模板太明显了。ETS打分的老师都是身经百战，模板一眼就能辨认。模板会给你浪费很多字数而说没用的，中国考生千万不要在口语与写作中使用模板了！（如first，additionally。。。）
第三，你的文章整体只有两个观点，有一种说服力不强的感觉。托福文章一般是有3个明确的观点，不要模棱两可！每个观点都有强有力的证明或者例子，才是一篇好作文。不要求你语言多么华丽，一定要做到是观点站得住脚。
你的第二个观点就不是很好。没意义的科学研究是为了满足好奇心，和政府的支持有什么关系？这个说法似乎有些牵强。千万要随时和题目挂钩啊！

托福考试一般时间都用在充实自己观点上，很少写结尾，写结尾都是很明显重复前文充字数。。。你懂得。。。

说的比较犀利，包涵，都是为了你能取得好成绩！