Question

托福作文求批改 谢谢！狠狠的批，狠狠的挑刺吧！

A person’s childhood years are the most important years of a person’s life.do you agree or disagree?

On the contemporary society,with the education become increasingly professional and subtle,people tend to focus more on which period of people have the most impact in one’s life.One prevailing saying is that A person’s childhood years (the time from birth to twelve years old)are the most important time of a person’s life,which l absolutly consent.
First,in biology ascept, l tend to consider the child hood is the most important period in a person’s life in that it is in the chidhood years that people enter the first golden time of learning,the brain of the kid in the period is awash of couriosity and be capable to learn more things than kids grow up ,therefore,if the prarent culitive the kid a interest in the period ,the interest may change into a talent.it is commonly seen in my society that either some talented children tend to win over their peers by the interest frosted and proper guidence from their paraent in the childhood or the very smart people who learned more in their child years have more chanceto success than others,who miss the golden time of learnig----childhood years which even can decide a person ‘s life.
Second,in the psychology aspect,the event which person experienced in their childhood years can affect the people’s personality,Although,in the period,the childrens’memorizing ability of images is not totally developed well,their memorize of emotion is progressed enough to be remembered forever ,thus form the essential charactersof the children.For example,children who bring up in a single-parent family are more likely be introvt and self-bashed in that they feel lonely and deficient of love in their childhood years.
On the other hand,it is also disputable that the other period of a people’s life exert a tremenderous impact on their life and is important,howere,the periods are just far from enough to be as important as childhood years,thus,we should pay more attention to the childhood years and creat a blessed childhood for children.
谢谢，最好评下分

Answer 1

http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/pdfs/fcs465.pdf
1 你的中心句要包含你的2个main ideas， 不能独立出中心句。
2 每句中没用的词很多，句子不清晰
3 用词有些不合适 consent
4 语法（包括词性，词连接） 比如children who bring up，children are raised up
5 学术作文用词要准确，不能蒙混过关,很多地方。
我给你一篇范文了。

追问

谢谢，追问一句，有什么方法适合我这种水平提高托福作文，我要补那边

追答

1 你要查看英语词典不能看中文词典，因为每个词都有准确的意思而不是粗糙地翻译。
2 你需要看语法，你应该看国外的语法而不是中国的英语语法书。
3 你需要写作格式和技巧进行练习，让你的写作有逻辑性而不是一个蒙混过关的逻辑。
4 你需要删减你每句话中没用的词比如that, which, of, accept，不能蒙混过关地凭感觉组合在一起
5 在你写作的时候，多检查自己的词是什么意思，比如in contemporary society,这些不是非常普遍的词汇，你需要查一查英语解释是什么。在你检查的时候，比如childhood years，你可以得到很多主意怎么去写好作文
6 你的写作，尤其是托福考试，你需要写作有科学性，你的每个idea要有一定科学性，不能凭感觉，当然这需要很长时间才能增长各种知识，整理清楚逻辑，但是这也是区别各种学生分数的一个因素
你可以问我如果你有任何问题，你加了我qq

Answer 2

On the contemporary society,with the education become .....become改成becoming啊