Question

IELTS小作文. 恳求英语达人给予修改和指点，Thank you very much！

Question:

Yesterday you lost your student ID card. You need it to get discounts on public transport and for the cinema, and to use the college library. Even more important, you need it as proof of identity to withdraw money at the bank.

Wite to the Director of student services explaining the situation, and requestubf a new card as sson as possible.

--------------------------------
Answer:

Dear sir/Madam:

I’m writing this letter in order to request for a new student ID card.

After arrived home yesterday afternoon, I soon realised that my ID card must been left somewhere because it could not be found neither in the pocket nor in the bag. Firstly I thought I might left it on the bus, however the customer service replayed that they did not find any similar item. Then I phoned the library to see whether my ID was there or not. Unfortunately the answer was “NO”. Finally, I had no other choice but to report it to the police.

It is extremely inconvenient without an ID card. Although I will not able to use the library any more, and cannot claim for discounts on neither public transport nor cinema tickets, the most principle issue is that without an ID as the identification, I am not allowed to withdraw cash for the bank.

Due to inconveniences which mentioned above, I, therefore, request for a new ID card. I will appreciate if it could be done as soon as possible.

Regards,

J.FK

Answer 1

行文还不错，用词挺地道的。第二段太琐碎了，看得出你试图凑字数。以下是几个小问题：

1. Dear Sir/Madam， - Sir 大写, 最后用逗号
2. I'm - 正式半正式文本最好不要用缩写，用I am更礼貌
3. After arrived - After arriving 或者 after I had arrived
4. must been left somewhere - must have been left somewhere
5. it could not be found 严格说起来这个地方不适用被动语态，不过应该不影响雅思评分。
6. Firstly - 改称First比较好，因为First偏重说明时间顺序，Firstly偏重说明重要性顺序。
7. I might left it - I might had left it 过去完成时
8. the customer service replayed - 你是要说replied吧
9. that they did not find any similar item 不算错，但是过去完成时更好
10. Although I will not able to - Although用错了，这句句子的关系不是转折，应该是递进，可以改称比如as well as.
11. withdraw cash for the bank - from the bank
12. inconveniences which mentioned above - 这个地方语法上应该用that连接，而不是which, 建议省略。
13. I, therefore, request - 和due to 重复了，要去掉一个。
14. it could be done as soon as - 这个地方用被动语态不够客气。
15. regards 也太随便了，至少应该写Best regards，正式书信以Dear Sir开头，应该Yours faithfully结尾。

追问

10. Although I will not able to - Although用错了，这句句子的关系不是转折，应该是递进，可以改称比如as well as.

请问怎么改可以吗:
First, I will not....... Second, I cannot ..... The last but most important point, without an ID as ..... form the bank.

追答

可以，如果你要表示递进，可以在最后一个分句前用moreover或者furthermore连接。

Answer 2

不错

追问

求修改和指点, Thanks

Answer 3

Dear sir/Madam:

I’m writing this letter in order to request for a new student ID card.

After (arriving) home yesterday afternoon, I soon realised that my ID card must been left somewhere because it could not be found neither in the pocket nor in the bag. Firstly I thought I might left it on the bus, however the customer service replied that they did not find any similar item. Then I phoned the library to see whether my ID was there or not. Unfortunately the answer was “NO”. Finally, I had no other choice but to report it to the police.

It is extremely inconvenient without an ID card. (Not only will I not be )able to use the library any more, (but also I) cannot claim for discounts on neither public transport nor cinema tickets, (Moreover,) the most principle issue is that without an ID as the identification, I am not allowed to withdraw cash (from) the bank.

Due to (the) inconveniences which (are) mentioned above, I, therefore, request for a new ID card. I will appreciate if it could be done as soon as possible.

Regards,

略改了一下,有些表达可以稍微修改一下,以更符合英文的表达,写作继续多练习,会有进步的.
by the way,我写过的IELTS 小作文是有关图表分析的,要出国的学生考IELTS 是考这种小作文吗?

追问

Thanks a lot. By the way, 出国留学考A类图表分析, 我是G类