Question

修改雅思作文

It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good spots person or musician.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In term of fields of music and sport, the relationship between nature and nurture is a frequent topic of discussion, some people advocate that an exceptional musician or sportsman owns a natural talent, while others deny with the view that the musician or sportsman has a hard training instead.

Teaching is an inevitable way to learn ability, including music and sport related, from scratch. An excellent musician or sportsman must go through the training within teaching, as with the fact that we, students, are supposed to learn, while at the same time, we are also supposed to memorize, to practice or so., since it is the only approach advancing to success that we are told.

On the other hand, others are bright enough without teaching, they are assented to have innate talent, this is to say, they originally are not at the comparable level as other are, but much more outstanding in, let’s say, the field of music and sport like, the so-called ‘The Baltimore Bullet’, Michael Phelps who is recognized as being with the talent in swimming.

In my own view, anyone can be taught to turn into an exceptional musician or sportsman under teaching and training. Yet, even a person with innate strength also, In fact, both views are not mutually exclusive. However, these merely depend on conditions.

Answer 1

提几点意见吧：
1 你离题了，题目问的是是不是所有人都可以被培养成优秀的音乐家或者是运动员，而你的第二段一直强调的是teaching的重要性。teaching重要并不代表所有人都能被培养成优秀的运动员和音乐家，这之间没有逻辑联系。第三段，你说的是有些人很有天赋，不需要上课神码的，然后举了几个成功人士的例子。但是题目问的是是不是任何孩子都能被培养成出色的运动员和音乐家，这里的any你没有论证。几个成功人士的例子并不能论证任何人都能被培养成成功人士。
2不要套模板，第一段一看就是套模板的。
3 谨慎使用那些太绝对的词，比如 only approach, inevitable,must等.
4 注意句子的简洁。 it is the only approache advancing to success that we are told 这句话我觉得改成it is an essential approach to achieve success会更好一些，advance to觉得很怪，后面那个that we are told让人觉得多余了。
5 不要一直尝试使用一些大词和一些你无法驾驭的复杂语法结构，文章首先需要的是简洁明了，其次才是修辞。
6 注意文章的逻辑关系：看你结尾段这句话In my own view, anyone can be taught to turn into an exceptional musician or sportsman under teaching and training. Yet, even a person with innate strength also。每个人都能被培养成优秀的运动员和音乐家，即使是那些有天赋的人。这个句子逻辑关系好像不大对吧。那些有天赋的人应该更容易成为iyouxiu的运动员和音乐家吧。
7 你的论证太简单了，不能给你的中心论点提供很强有力的support

加油吧，好好努力~~

Answer 2

建议你到新东方批改网上提交，是专业的外教批改，对你考试更有帮助，可以评分，但是要花钱。
如果你基础不太好，语法错误比较多，那就找这里批改