Question

写了一篇小短文，是关于金在中的。发出来 希望英语很好的帮忙改改。急急急急急急~~~~~~

写了一篇小短文，是关于金在中的。 英文。 老师布置的。 发出来 希望英语很好的帮忙改改。看看有没有什么语法错误。最好加点定语从句什么的。。谢谢啦~~~~
HERO is man.The real man.
He is born in seoul,south korea 1986.He is a singer,my favorite singer.
When he was 17.he has his debut as TVXQ member until 2009.
Now he is JYJ member.He is brave and persistence.He has beautiful voice.
I so love HERO that I can't stop to pay close attention to them.
Love him and love him in the band whatever TVXQ or JYJ.

Answer 1

大体修改如下，后面附修改完整的段落。

HERO is a(加定冠词，意为：他是一个男人/他很男人) man, the real man.At the same time,he is a singer,my favorite singer.
He is（改为was，过去式） born in Seoul,South Korea（地名，大写 ）（加in，构成时间状语 ）1986..

When he was 17，he has（had） his debut as TVXQ member（a member of TVXQ较好） until(改为in，表示逗游过去式，你用的until有“直到”的意思) 2009.
（整句也可改为：It was in 2009, when he was 17, that he had his debut/ first show which made him well-known around the world..即用到同位语从句、强调句式，又用到定语从句。）
Now he is JYJ member(同上).He is brave and persistence（persistent，形银旅容词）.He has beautiful voice.
I so love HERO that（I love HERO so much that） I can't stop to pay(改山搏销为paying ，表示停止做某事，而不定式表示停下来去做其他事) close attention to them（him，一个人）.
Love him and love him in the band whatever TVXQ or JYJ.（这是一个祈使句，而你应该是想表达你自己对他的喜欢，）

整理之后，如下：
HERO is a man,Ithe real man. At the same time,he is a singer,my favorite singer.
He was born in Seoul,South Korea, in 1986.
It was in 2009, when he was 17, that he had his debut/ first show which made him well-known around the world
I love HERO so much that I can't stop paying close attention to him.
I love him forever whether he sings for TVXQ or JYJ.

希望帮到你！