Question

雅思作文批改（流程图）

The former flowchart reveals the different stages in a silkworm's life,and how the silk cloth is produced is demonstrated in the latter one.
As shown in the first graph ,there are four main stages in the life of the silkworm.First of all,eggs are deposited by the mature moth,and it takes 10days for eggs to be silkworm larvas who are fed on mulberry leaf.After about up to 6 weeks,the larva begins to produce silk thread around itself.This stage lasts about 3 to 8 days .And after a period of 16 days,the moth emerge from the cocoon and the life cycle starts agin.
The production of the fourth stage in silkworm's life cycle ---cocoon is the raw material for the production of silk cloth.After being strictly chosen by a series of rules,the cocoon is boiled in water to apart the larva from the thread.Having been unwinded to almost 300 to 900 meters long,the thread is ready for further process of the production---being twisted,dyed.When the final prodecure(weave)is finished ,the silk cloth is ready.
最后帮忙批个分数吧~~~

Answer 1

已经写的很好了呀，不过还有有一点小建议。
第一，英文对平衡结构讲求的比较多，首段用and连接的话虽然支持了句式的多样性，但是前后结构不是特别平衡。
第二，第二段首句点明了第一幅图表的内容并阐明共四个阶段，非常明晰，但是和第一段的第一句略有重复，显得表达有一点单一，可以尝试把第一段的different stages改成整个流程或者相似表达。
第三，主体段落第二段阐述的虽然清楚，但是前面用了fisrt of all后面没有对应的词汇与之对应，在结构上有时会让人不是特别明晰。
第四，第三段表述的虽然清晰，但是有大量的主系表结构，阅读中难免让人感觉句式略微单一，可以尝试再加一些被动会更好，ready, finish这些词用的比较多，可以找一些诸如complete之类的词汇进行替换。
总之已经灰常灰常好啦，但是你希望更好，所以很挑剔的找出这些修改建议，也不知道准不准确，希望对你有帮助哦~打分我不敢，还是不要啦~~

Answer 2

长短句搭配合理，词类多样，学术词汇较为丰富
具体你可以到新东方批改网上去批改，是外教批改的
除了批改打分，还有范文什么的，老师也很尽心，由于是我第一篇批改的作文，于是分数很低（正常），经过老师批改后发现了自己的问题。于是第二次提交的细批大作文，分数有所上升（感谢）！第三次，提交的是细批小作文，估计是我小作文毛病比较突出，外教批改出结果惨不忍堵（果然我三次雅思经历5.5是必然的必然的呀！！），现在准备研究小作文去

Answer 3

哎，这个老题目还需要改么，
没看范文前你的词汇量能达到这个水平，并且能在20分钟内写成这种程度的话，你已经是个高手了。。

这篇至少6.5往上走了吧。。

Answer 4

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