Question

雅思大作文，求高手批改

topic:
Some people believe that in order to give opportunities to new generation companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. Do you agree or disagree? Give your reasons and personal experience.

With the tendency of new technology inventions, the new bloods are needed more than ever. In order to deal with this situations, some companies decide to encourage the elder’s (more than 55-year-old) retirement. As far as I concern, encouraging high evel workers who are older than 55 to retire is worth to advocated.
To begin with, young people tend to have more energy than the elder in physicial aspects. The young people are more energetic than the elder in the matter of fact, which shows that they have better capacity in heavy burdens. It can be shadowed that th elder will be displaced by the young adult especially in heavy industries due to their fully physical strength. In fact, they do not only have physical advantages, the also have good receptions and abilities of understanding.
Fast learner, one of the most significant featrues to the young, can be unbelivably useful. New technologies can be replaced rapidly, wihch means the only way to handle them all is to learn as fast as people can. Therefore, the young employees with their magnificant receptions and understanding abilities meet the demands of society.
However， I can not deny thet the elders have thier own advantages, such as well_experienced. Most of the elders can make their judgements at once which based on their experiences when they get into troubles.Reversly , those expereiences may mislead them while working because of their blind trust of their experiences. On the other hand, , the young can earn experiences only when the elders transform their positions to the young.
There are many companies running fairly well when most of employees are young such as Baidu- the biggest internet company of China. The average ages of its employees are not over 35. Many facts prove that a company can run well and smoothly with the a large number of young workers. Thus, why can not we offer some opportunities to the young? I believe they can do better than people think.

Answer 1

以下是鄙人愚见，若有冒犯，还望海涵。
看雅思作文，首先看格式，我仔细看了你的文章，觉得在这一方面可以做得更好。就是说，你主题支持观点的理由段应该适当加强和延伸，就是字数不是很够，主题理由段应该要比后面的对比段长一些，所以要加字数的，
下面说一下这篇文章最为致命的问题，就是论证笼统不具体，怎么是笼统，就是没有说服力，更多的是空话出现在本文里面，例如To begin with, young people tend to have more energy than the elder in physicial aspects. The young people are more energetic than the elder in the matter of fact, which shows that they have better capacity in heavy burdens. 讲了半天，说的是一个事情，怎么改进这个问题，应该举例说明，以第一段的观点为例，你就可以说，我爷爷以前是厂里的骨干员工，技术好。身体棒，干活利索，总是得奖，但是随着年龄增大，他的体力渐渐的不行了，上楼梯都气喘喘嘘嘘的，干活比起年轻人差得多。我说的这些话比较朴实，但是却远胜于那些空话，有说服力，希望你懂我的意思。第二个理由段也是这个问题，你看着改改，关键是方法的。
对比段我觉得你写的很好，就不多说了。
像最后一段，你用在前面就最好了啊，写在结尾没一点用，结尾时重申观点的，不需要再举例论述了。
再说两个小问题 应该是to be advocated. 最后一句是think. of
分数我就不给你评了，本文属于方法没有理解，掌握方法一切就会好很多的。

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