Question

高手帮我改改托福作文！！谢谢了！！！作文题目是The best way to improve the quality of education

作文题目是The best way to improve the quality of education to increase the teachers' salaries. Do u agree or disagree?
Some people think the best way to improve the quality of education is to increase the teachers' salaries, while others believe that instead of increasing the money to the teacher, there also have many good ideas to help the education. In my opinion, some ideal skills are better than increase the teachers' salaries.
Many areas are very poor, improving the education system is more important than money. There are many places in northwest china are lacking of money, many children even some teenagers. They are too poor to attend the class. What's more, even if they have enough money to go to school, there is no school at their hometown. Where are the teachers? Because of the weather, environment or salaries, maybe salaries are important, but contrast to the weather or the high mountains environment, many teachers do not want to those places to teach. Even though they will get plenty of money, they still do not want to come, maybe they will feel homesick or they may not used to local food.
Giving a lot of money will not change the boring style of teaching of old teachers. Many students will sleep in the class because of the boring class, like me. I do not like math. i always failure of the math when i was in middle school. The main reason of my poor math is that i do not like my math teacher's teaching style. He just told me a lot of complex theories and did a lot of math exercise. I never do the math homework because I can not understand what he said. However, after 3 years I was a high school student. i was the best student of math. I love my high school's teacher's teaching way. He was so fun to explain every boring theory. I was interested in math in the end. I was so proud of my math teacher.
Instead of increasing the salaries of teachers, improving the school's unities is better. Many high schools, there are the traditional classes. They can buy some high-technology things to improve the quality of the education, such as computers, projector, even IPAD. A lot of high schools in New York they will teach the knowledge over the ipad, the head teacher said, it is a good and a new idea to give the lesson to the students. it is more effective and friendly-environment. Teachers will save time to correct the answers and students will not carry books everyday.
All in all, increasing the teachers' salaries is not the best way to improve the quality of the education.

Answer 1

increase在做“增加”讲时，是普通词汇，建议替换soar
“Some people think the best way to improve the quality of education is to increase the teachers' salaries, while others believe that instead of increasing the money to the teacher, there also have many good ideas to help the education.”此句型用的太过频繁，建议改为sb. suppose +从句或sb. claim +从句或sb. agree +从句或第一人称时替换为As far an I am concerned.
"Many areas are very poor, improving the education system is more important than money. "important可以考虑替换为 高分词汇 crucial 或 essential
many places in northwest china语法不规范，请确认
"i always failure "把 i 改成 I
建议你到新东方批改网上改改，都是外教改的
自己写了一篇自我感觉良好的，拿上来粗批一下改的满目疮痕啊。。。。
还好帮我指出了问题！最好托福考的时候作文写得很爽

Answer 2

对不起我不是高手