Question

因为英语课前三分钟老师要求我们利用这3分钟来讲英语的演讲啊英语的笑话 啊

现在搞的我烦操死了，不知道要讲些什么，求简单的笑话简单的哲理笑话和开始演讲前的词，就是什么：今天，我讲的笑话是关于什么什么的。。。。。。当然，我也求笑话和中文翻译。。。。。言而总之总而言之，求一篇3分钟的稿子，英语的，要求要简单易懂！谢谢

Answer 1

来，我来给你讲几个，原创的啊：
I'll See to the Rest
A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.
"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!"
"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back.
"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."

其余的事由我负责
一位车上的列车员刚发出信号让火车启动，这时他看见一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站台上一节打开的车厢门旁边，跟车厢里另一位漂亮姑娘在说话。
“快点，小姐!”他喊道：“请把门关上。”
“噢，我还没有和妹妹吻别呢。”她回答道。
“请把门关上好了，”列车员说：“其余的事由我负责。”

Sleeping Pills
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.
Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."
"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"

安眠药
鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。
星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。”
“好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”

A Smugglar
The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.
"What's in here?" he asked.
"Dirt," the driver replied.
"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."
Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.
A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.
"What's in the bags this time?" he asked.
"Dirt, more dirt." said the man.
Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.
The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."
Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."

走私犯
一个形迹可疑的人开车来到边境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在检查汽车行李箱时，惊奇地发现了六个接缝处鼓得紧绷绷的大口袋。
“里面装的是什么？”他问道。
“土。”司机回答。
“把袋子拿出来”，哨兵命令道：“我要检查。”
那人顺从地把口袋搬了出来。确实，口袋里除了土以外，别无他特。哨兵很不情愿地让他通过了。
一周后，那人又来了，哨兵再次检查汽车上的行李箱。 -
“这次袋子里装的是什么？”他问道。
“土，又运了一些土。”那人回答。
哨兵不相信，对那些袋子又进行了检查，结果发现，除了土以外，仍旧一无所获。
同样的事情每周重演一次，一共持续了六个月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心丧气，干脆辞职去当了酒吧侍者。有天夜里，那个形迹可疑的人碰巧途经酒吧，下车喝酒。那位从前的哨兵急忙迎上前去对他说，“我说，老兄，你要是能帮我一个忙，今晚的酒就归我请客。你能不能告诉我，那段时间你到底在走私什么东西？”
那人俯身过来，凑近侍者的耳朵，裂开嘴笑嘻嘻地说：“汽车。”

Skunk
"We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?"
"Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open."
Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher.
"No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!"

臭 鼬
“我们的地下室里有一只臭鼬，”打电话的人对警察调度员尖叫道。“我们怎样才能把它弄出来？”
“弄一些面包屑，”调度员说，“从地下室往外铺一条小道直到后院。然后将地下室的门打开。”
一段时间后，那位居民又将电话打了回来。“你们将它弄出来了吗？”调度员问。
“没有，”打电话的人答道，“现在那儿有两只臭鼬了。”

Patience
Angler: You've been watching me for three hours now. Why don't you try yourself?
Onlooker: I haven't got the patience.

耐 性
垂钓者：你已经盯着看了三个小时了，你干嘛不自己亲自钓呢？
旁观者：我没那耐性。

Bedtime Prayers
Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."
Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"
And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"

睡前祷告词
朱莉叶在做睡前祷告。“上帝，求求你，”她说，“让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。”
妈妈打断她的话说：“朱莉叶，为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都呢？”
朱莉叶回答道：“因为我在地理考卷上是这样写的。”

3*6=18，,18分了，再讲一个：

Things Have Been Okay
A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned."
"You talked! You talked!" Shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taked this long?"
"Well, up till now," Said the boy, "things have been okay."

一切都正常
一对年轻夫妇有个儿子，已经四岁了，还没有开品说话，他们对此深感焦虑。他们带他去找专家诊治，但医生们总觉得他没有毛病。后来有一天早上吃早餐时，那孩子突然开口了：“妈妈，面包烤焦了。”
“你说话了!你说话了!”他母亲叫了起来。“我太高兴了!但为什么花了这么长的时间呢？”
“哦，在这之前，”那男孩说，“一切都很正常。”

啊...打字打的我累死了...一定要采纳啊!

Answer 2

故事是这样的
以前在各大学校里都流传着这么一个恐怖故事
说是A校有不干净的东西 每当十五的时候 学校门口的鲁迅像的眼睛就会动
所有教学楼都会停电
楼梯会从原来的13阶变成14阶
实验室的水龙头放出来的水会变成红色
还有1楼尽头的那个厕所只要有人进去了就再也出不来了

于是 一群不信邪的孩子们约好15那天去探险
晚上12点 他们准时来到了那所学校的门口
鲁迅像的眼睛望着左边 他们记下了 生怕出来的时候记不得有没有动过
他们来到了教室 打开开关 咦 不是亮着的么？
“骗人。”一个男孩发出抱怨

“再看看吧。”

来到了楼梯口 “1 2 3...13没错阿 是13阶阿？”
孩子们有点怀疑传说的真实性了

于是他们又来到了实验室 水龙头打开了 白花花的水流了出来

“真没劲阿 我们白来了！”
刚开始的刺激感都消去了一半。
最后 他们来到了那个厕所
女孩子虽然口上说不相信 可是还是不敢进去
于是让刚刚很拽地说不怕的小C进去

看了表 1点整
2分钟后 男生出来了

“切 都是骗人的”
孩子们不欢而散。
出门时 一个看门人发现了他们 喝斥他们怎么可以那么晚还在学校逗留。孩子们撒腿就跑
小B特地注意了一下门口的石像 没错 眼睛还是朝左看得
“骗人的”他嘀咕了一声

“喂 小B么？小C昨天晚上和你们一起出去玩 怎么还没回来？”第二天早上 小C的妈妈打电话过来询问。
小C也没有去学校上课
孩子们隐约感到不对了

于是 他们将晚上的探险之事告诉了老师和家长
大家在大人的陪同下回到了那个学校。
“什么？ 我们的鲁迅像的眼睛一直是朝右看的阿。”校长听了孩子们的叙述 不可思议的说。
“可是我们昨天来的时候是朝左看的阿”
出门一看 果然 是朝右看得...
“可是昨天的确有电阿”
“昨天我们这里全区停电...你们怎么开得灯？”
“还有楼梯！”孩子们迅速跑到楼梯口
“1 2 3...12？”
“我们的楼梯一直是12阶的。”
“不可能！！！”
“还有实验室”一个孩子提醒道
“对 实验室”
一行人来到实验室 就在昨天他们开过的那个水龙头下 有一摊暗红色的痕迹。
“是血迹。”
“那...小C昨天还去过那个厕所...”大家都感到了一阵莫名的恐惧
“走 我们去看看”校长也意识到了事情的严重性
...
推开门...
小C的尸体赫然出现在大家的眼前
因为惊恐而睁大的双眼
被割断的喉管血淋淋的
内脏散落在已经干掉的水池里...
“阿...”小C的妈妈当场昏了过去
几个老师马上冲出去呕吐...
小B也被吓得目瞪口呆
在他晕过去的前一秒钟
他瞥见小C的手表
指针停在了1点...
就是小C进去的那个时候...

顺便说一下 他们去探险的那天晚上 并没有门卫...

将此贴转向5个以上的论坛不会魔鬼缠身且能实现一个愿望 。
不回帖者晚上凌晨过后往往......
对不起，我很不情愿，但是......请各位原谅！

Answer 3

allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?" 两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”

Answer 4

Amos asked his mother whether they could have a video.
　　"I’m afraid we can’t afford one," sighed his mother.
　　But on the following day in came Amos, staggering beneath the weight of a brand-new video.
　　"How on earth did you pay for that?" gasped his mother.
　　"Easy, Mum." replied Amos, "I sold the television!"

A:I have the perfect son.
B:Does he smoke?
A:No, he doesn't.
B:Does he drink whiskey?
A:No, he doesn't.
B:Does he ever come home late?
A:No, he doesn't.
B:I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A:He will be six months old next Wednesday。

爱酷酷笑话网，www,aikuk,com

Answer 5

随便搜搜有好多。。
下面是别人的答案。。

追问

那开头怎么说啊？？？笑话有了，开头结尾怎么说？

追答

这里有个成功英语演讲的秘诀：开场白，结束语。
不知道是不是你需要的~本人英语不好。。看不明白。。。

参考资料： http://wenku.baidu.com/view/a3e8e752f01dc281e53af030.html