Question

托福大作文求估分+修改，005 社区建工厂的利于弊

I live in a community which is near the center of my city. We cannot deny that it will benefit the society’s economy to build a large factory, but it will also result in a number of dreadful influences on our city whether in a short time or a long term.

A successful businessman in my hometown has ever said:”Economy is the soul of a city”. And it is the jobless rate that plays a dominant role in how to evaluate a region’s economic development. We can definitely find that an enhanced number of young people failed to get a suitable job in the increasingly competitive job market. Nevertheless, these problems will probably be solved if we establish a factory nearby. It may provide a various kinds of jobs, such as workers ,engineers, and managers, which can adapt to the needs of job applicants with different educational levels or different specialized diplomas. So, it seems to be a very wise idea to build a factory near our community, isn’t it? Absolutely not.

While putting up the factory, the pollution of the noise and dust it brings appears always beyond the residents’ tolerance. Imagine that if you are busy preparing a crucial examination, will the noise of beating or welding outside make you feel fretful and hardly concentrate on your work any more? Besides, it’s obvious that this project could produce lots of dirt which is harmful for human’s health when they breathe it in. Never do the developers care about residents’ feelings or health but their own profits.

What’s more, long-term destructions will cause more disastrous effect on a city’s environmental system. Not only will the pollution of water and atmosphere affect this generation, but also can bring potential damage to our offspring. That will be an incalculable loss if we ignore the significance of environment protection.

In general, because of the importance of sustainable development, I believe the risks of opening a new factory would outweigh the benefits. At the same time ,as for me, we do not need to build a factory since all facilities like schools, shops, supermarkets and banks are available enough to provide working opportunities in my city.

Answer 1

jobless rate可换为unemployment rate
It may provide a various kinds of jobs, such as workers ,engineers, and managers,指代有问题 which can adapt to the needs of job applicants with different educational levels or different specialized diplomas.
isn’t it? Absolutely not.太突兀，可改为It remains to be seen

用例可以更为细化用具体些，集中论述，结构较清晰，但最好不要一段好处一段弊端。弊端只用两句在结尾概括，全文就更有力了。
4分的话，大约是fair3分吧
祝考试成功

Answer 2

建议你直接到新东方的批改网提交一下，有外教批改，还能给你范文重写什么的，打的分也比较准
我从那改过，还不错。还有品论、修改意见什么的,老师都是外国人,会以外国人的思维去改,帮助不少.以后练托福口语也可以用

新东方批改网作文“七步”评分流程
1 明确批改级别
2 查看作文题目
3 通览作文冰雨反馈区做简单评语
4 逐行批改作文，指出并修改错误，同时表明错误类型
5 对作文的逻辑结构，论据相关性，行文连贯性等问题在评论区进行评论
6 给出作文在以下四项评分指标方面的分值：
Response to the prompt
切题
Organization
文章结构
Development and Details
内容展开及逻辑性
Grammar
语法准确性
7 换算成相应考试的作文评分