Question

托福独立写作，求狠拍！~~帮助我用一些好词和好的句式吧，我觉得我用的都太简单了><...

题目：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: In order to become financially responsible adults, children should manage their own money at the young age.

Depending on personal experience, personality type and emotional concerns, people have different attitudes towards the argument that children should learn to manage their money at young age or not. As far as I an concerned, I strongly agree that we should teach children to handle their money as early as possible. I will discuss it in the following three aspects.

First, teach children how to manage money at young age is a good thing for them to get a sense of its value, which is very important for them to be responsible in managing finances when they grows up. For example, children usually get the money from their parents and without knowing how hard it is to earn money. They tend to spend unnecessarily. However, if adults help them have a plan for spending such as what percentage they should save for his best friend’s birthday, what percentage they should plan for buying a new football what percentage they can spend to buy the things he wants. Then, the children would learn to spend money carefully while understanding the value of it. This would certainly train them to manage finance effectively as they grow up.

More importantly, teaching children how to handle their money in a wise way can provide them a more secured future. With the current economy system, we know that money can generate money. This is the best way to let children know how the system works. For instance, I taught my children to “bank” with three different jars. One is current, one is savings and the last one is Certificate of Deposit. With different interests I paid to them for each jar, they now know that how to spilt their money between these three different accounts in order to earn the maximum interest. Further, this enabled me to teach them mathematics more effectively. In this way, they get the ability of how to deal with the money when they actually work.

Last but not least, learning to handle the money can make children’s lives more meaningful. If we train or teach money management skills to children, it does not mean we are teaching them to be materialistic. Let them know there are some things that are more important than money. For example, let children donate some their own money to the hope school of local community causes, the feeling he got at the moment will be the most valuable lesson he ever can have.

In conclusion, letting children manage their own money will not only benefit children’s life but also benefit the whole society. That is the reason why I strongly agree that we should let children do this. Anyway, we all agree that money can’t buy happiness, but it can make life much easier. Also, being a financially responsible person is very important.

Answer 1

First那段
teaching 而非teach
grow 而非 they grows
without knowing前面的and要去掉
such as 列举最后一个并列项前要加and
Then, the children would learn to spend money carefully while understanding the value of it.这句用这个结构表达句义不好，因为while是表示同时发生，这样逻辑不通顺，可以考虑改成Then, the children will become aware of / understand the value of money and thus learn how to spend it carefully
抱歉明早有事就先看这段
如果有空我会再回来

Answer 2

young age 前面冠词缺失
建议把 an concerned 改成 a concerned
important可以考虑替换为 高分词汇 crucial 或 essential
名词ability表示“体力活智力上的能力”，通常不与of连用，而跟不定式作定语，

建议你直接到新东方的批改网提交一下，有外教批改，还能给你范文重写什么的，打的分也比较准
我从那改过，还不错。还有品论、修改意见什么的,老师都是外国人,会以外国人的思维去改,帮助不少.以后练托福口语也可以用

Answer 3

很棒了好么==