Question

麻烦帮我修改下这作文！按高三学生的水平改下吧，越严格越好！thanks

题目是：假定你是中学生李华。在一位名叫TigerMom的学生家长的博客上，你看到如下内容。请你根据博客内容、写作要点和要求，给这位家长回复。

　　I'm the mother of a fourteen-year-old. I have a rule for my daughter: be among the top 5 students or get punished in one way or another. She has been doing very well in school, but some friends of mine keep telling me that I put too much pressure on her. Am I wrong?

　　写作要点：
　　1.表明自己的看法；
　　2.陈述自己的理由（可举例说明）；
　　3.提出至少两条建议

以下是我的作文：
As far as t am concerned,I think that the views of the mother's friends are right.
I can understand the mother's thought that she hope her daughter became better.But she does not know her daughter's idear.As a child,she should have a happy childhood.It is a pity that I can imagine the girl 's child must be filled with books and courses.If you were the girl,are you happy?The socity is competitive.Even so,I still tingk the girl's load is too much!One of the prime minister of Japan said that Wang Xizhi hurt many children.Why?Because many children were forced to learen calligraphy by their parents.The happy childhood flies away.
I have some advice for the parents like the mother.The first is that parents can take their children to travel.I believe the children can learn more from a trip than from a book.The second is that parens can be strict with their children,but don't put too much stress on the children.After all,they sre just children!

麻烦大家帮帮忙，再次谢过

Answer 1

From my point, I don not think what the mother does is wrong, but I support her friends' thoughts most.
As we all know,''Great hopes make great man''. Each parents hopes their children could have a bright futher, so does the mother. However, the children who are at the same age like us couldn't totally understand it well. Because we are still children in a beautiful time.The pressure from family, school,even the society makes us cannot breath. The rate of suitcide is increasing every year. I cannot imagine if one day that happened in my life, what would I do. We don't want to miss the beauties of our age, once we take out our memories, we won't regret.
I have to say that we still need parents' urges, and here I have some ideas about how to promote our children to get a health life. First, tavel with your children while you are free in the holiday. That's a chance to know more about your children and also their inner desir. Second, chatting with them, let them to treat you as their closed friend. The last but not the least, do the same things the want to do. Change the role to understand them, and also make them understand you.
以上是根据你的想法做出的一篇作文，给你参考一下。那么我想说写作调理一定要清晰，连词的使用会增加你文章结构的紧密型，同时注意整篇作文的时态和语态。
As far as I am concerned, I think that the views of the mother's friends are right.(一个单词后紧接逗号，然后空格再写下一个词。这段是要你交代你的观点，简洁做的不错，但是我认为开头用的不是很好，可以说After reading the blog of the mother，我们不能一棒子把人打死，他妈妈这么做也是为了孩子的将来，所以我们最好不要说谁对谁错，可以说支持谁更多一些)
I can understand the mother's thought that she hope（s） her daughter beca（s）me better.But she does not know her daughter's idear（what her daughter thinks）.As a child,she should have（deserves to have） a happy childhood.It is a pity that I can imagine（去掉） the girl 's child（去掉） must be filled（surrounded） with books and courses.If you were the girl,are （would）you happy?The socity is competitive.Even so,I still tingk （think）（去掉,因为前后矛盾，社会是充满竞争的，即使这样，我认这个女孩的负担是很重的，应该是肯定会很重）the girl's load （pressure）is（must be） too much(heavy)!One of the prime minister of Japan said that Wang Xizhi hurt many children.（尽量不要举出这种伤害影响像王羲之这样的例子，作文很容易被降档次，要鲜明的正面例子）Why?Because many children were forced to learen calligraphy by their parents.The happy childhood flies away.（所以，你再仔细考虑一下，整个语言的逻辑性，你会所提高的。）
I have some advice for the parents like the mother.The first is that parents can take their children to travel.I believe the children can learn more from a trip than from a book.The second is that parens can be strict with their children,but don't put too much stress on the children.After all,they sre just children!(最后一段如果把连词单独列出会更好，考官看的清晰，也容易提分。,多练吧，很不错了，再多看看范文会有更大的提高，而且尽量用外国人的语言习惯，加油吧，不错的。)

Answer 2

As far as I am concerned,I think the views of the mother's friends are right.
I can understand the mother's thought that she hopes her daughter become better.But she does not know her daughter's idear.As a child,she should have a happy childhood.It is a pity that I can't imagine the girl 's childhood must be filled with books and courses.If you were the girl,are you happy?The socity is competitive.Even though,I still tingk the girl's load is too much!One of the prime monister of Japan said that Wang Xizhi hurt many children.Why?Because many children forced to learen calligraphy by their parents.The happy childhood flies away.
I have some advice for the parents like the mother.The first is that parents can take their children to travel.I believe the children can learn more from a trip than from a book.The second is that parens can be strict with their children,but don't put too much stress on the children.After all,they are just children!