Question

托福作文求批改啊，有木有高手帮帮忙啊！

怎么都没人回答的T T 第一次也独立作文，完全自学状态中，好像知道弱点在哪里！
题目是：It is more important to keep your old friends than it is to make new friends.

Friends are important companions in our lives. A true friendship can last as long as our whole lives no matter how old we are and where we go, while an instant friendship can change with fleeting time and different location. It is an undeniable fact that making new friends can get people refreshed and release them from isolation. However, when comes to the question that between keeping the old friends and making new friends, which one is of greater importance, I will absolutely choose the former, for primary two reasons that I will underline below.
The first reason that I would like to elaborate upon is that, by keeping old friends can we experience a life-long friendship based on our true affection, rather than the purpose of eliminating our loneliness. That’s why a lot of people still keep in touch with their elementary school classmates so many years later even when they are in different cities doing totally different things. These long-term relationships are much more worthy to cherish than continuously establishing new friendship, because they won’t disappear with objective things and always back up people in the mental field.
Secondly, I believe that it is a time-consuming task to get to know about new people around us. Our alert on them can be aroused even by their little inappropriate behaviors, being afraid to be cheated in this new relationship. In other words, a complete trust has been established in an old friendship, to which we can open our heart. Without unnecessary hesitation and worry, it is much easier to keep an old friend than to make a new friend.
To conclude, keeping old friends provides us a chance to experience and cherish a friendship in the longer term, with less difficulty and anxiety. For these reasons, I hold the opinion that keeping old friends is much more significant than making new friends.
打错字了，是第一次写独立作文，好想知道弱点在哪里！

Answer 1

朋友在我们的生活中是重要的伙伴。真正的友谊能持续我们的整个生命，不管我们有多老，我们去的地方，而即时的友谊可以改变与短暂的时间，不同的地点。这是一个不可否认的事实，结交新的朋友，可以让人神清气爽，释放他们从隔离。然而，当涉及到的问题，保持老朋友，结交新朋友，哪一个更重要的是，我绝对会选前者，主要有两个原因，我将在下面。第一个原因，我想阐述的是，保持老朋友我们可以经历一个终身的友谊基于我们真实的感情，而不是旨在消除我们的孤独。这就是为什么很多人仍然保持联系的小学同学这么多年后，甚至当他们在不同的城市做完全不同的事情。这些长期的关系，更值得珍惜不断建立新的友谊，因为他们不会消失的客观事物和支持的人在精神领域。其次，我认为这是一项费时的任务去认识新的人在我们周围。我提醒他们可以激起甚至小的不适当的行为，害怕被欺骗了这个新的关系。换句话说，一个完整的建立了信任在一个旧的友谊，而我们可以打开我们的心。毫不犹豫和担心，这是很容易保持的一个老朋友比交一个新朋友。最后，保持老朋友提供我们一个机会去体验和珍惜的友谊在更长的时间内，以较少的困难和焦虑。由于这些理由，我认为，保持老朋友是更重要比结交新朋友.
翻译过来了，自己看哪里不通顺就行了，不会再问一下别人

Answer 2

把中间那个段分开，然后加入一些例子，把语法错误改了，22-25没有太大问题

追问

有道理！我确实没写例子，这也是我根本没想到的方面，仅仅局限于手头的作文书了，我回头加上去，谢谢！

追答

扯得凶呢，我托福109分，我还没看出你的第二段和第三段水平有什么差的，第二段叫body,第三段叫conclusion, 两个起不同作用的段落，第三段我只能说你没经过培训，所以一般，没啥大错，也不精彩。但是拿到我给你估计的分数不难。我说了叫你把BODY分成2个段落，分别加入例子，不重复哈，take it or leave it.我看见一些没参加过托福考试的人的回答就心头会很恼火。
B.T.W 市面上没有好的托福书。

Answer 3

important替换成play an essenscial part
还有好多这样简单的单词，我觉得学要被一些更加地道的短语所替换，语法应该没什么错，如果是个初学者的话，这个作文已经是相当不错了。

Answer 4

第二段和第三段明显是两个水平哦，要把借鉴的东西变成自己的才能拿高分。还有最好加入一些例子，实在不知道的话自己编也行，比如这么开头In order to express my opinion, let me take my own experience as an example .... blabla ....

追问

你的意思是在第一段加例子吗？可不可以第2段和第3段各加一个呢？
还有，第二段第三段哪个水平更低？是词汇还是句子结构需要再提高？

追答

我觉得第三段更好，例子一般都是加在你的论述部分

Answer 5

童鞋。。看完你的作文我内牛满面啊~~同是第一次写独立作文。为什么我看不懂你写的。。。我的单词量真的好少噢！！呜呜呜~~我也来写这篇作文！copy一点句子给我喽！谢谢噻~~