Question

【3月4日托福】托福独立写作作文~求批改与建议~还有估分

It is an old cliché that experience is always the best teacher. However, I prefer to say that mistakes are the best teachers. I agree with it because mistakes that we have made, for many, play an essential role to cultivate confidence and toughness of people, especially of children. As we know, surviving in now a competitive society, we have to be tough enough to face to difficulties. Thus, I hold a positive opinion which is that parents should allow their children to make mistakes for adaptability, for tenacity, and for optimism.

By making mistakes, children can dramatically change their former attitudes and adapt to every new circumstance. Due to children’s treachery, they always ignore parent’s critics about their behaviors, which could probably lead to their failures in the future if they left their parents. Whereas, making impressive mistakes provide a chance for teenagers to learn to change themselves for adapting the world, as mistakes let them recognize treachery is wrong. The example of Washington matches my point of view perfectly. Washington, who was once a treacherous boy, cut down a cherry tree in his father’s orchard. His father did not blame him but Washington realized his stupidity was impropriate. Since then, he had known how to be a benign person and finally he became a president. Therefore, mistakes, in terms of adaptability, play a magnificent role in juveniles’ growth.

By making mistakes, children can more often than not become tougher than before. Mistakes, regarded as failures, push children to face to a variety of critics and blames. Gradually, children who are under critics can correct their behaviors over and over again. Finally their tenacity will help them become splendid adults. It had not been for mistakes, Edison could not have invented sophisticated bulbs; it had not been for mistakes, Einstein could not have published relative theory. So many celebrities’ stories illustrate that mistakes can cultivate human being’s toughness, especially for children.

Hereby making mistakes, children can be optimistic than before. Children whose parents do not allow them to make any mistakes might lose confidence in front of future challenges in the society if they were no longer teenagers. Nevertheless, because of making mistakes during childhood, children can learn to how to face up to failures and critics so that they may get used to difficulties, even when they grow up. Hardly can we imagine that without mistakes, children could be tender-minded and hypersensitive.

Accordingly, it is mistakes that help children to grow up into a tough, optimistic, and self-adaptive people. Notwithstanding, mistakes undoubtedly do represent failure, their effects on improving children’s characteristics are magnificent. Therefore, I still stand on my point of view that parents should allow children to make mistakes as they are definitely memorable experience during childhood.

Answer 1

首先你字数太多了，350+就够了
有些低频词汇用的不准确
搭配不地道，显然的模板痕迹，建议多看原版范文
逻辑性待加强

第一句可用掉尾句，即………………is an old cliche 表强调
第三句it指代不好，建议换句式
as we know一句可用被动，且to太多
thus一句which is 冗余
最后排比不好

dramatically不好,every不好
逆反改用antagonistic psychology
不要用which指代句子
recognize 行为是错误的
Since then, he had known how to be a benign person and finally he became a president. 这句不好
magnificent 不好

第二个body段逻辑不太清晰，为什么又说逆反?
who are 冗余
sophisticated不好

第三个body段TS让人摸不着头脑
Hereby文体不搭调
tender-minded and hypersensitive.并不并列

self-adaptive 没见过用来形容人
magnificent.不好
应用stand by
最后一句逻辑不清

追问

能否给出修改的建议？谢谢