Question

求雅思作文批改（急）

高手指点一下，错误有哪些以及能得多少分？万分感谢~能给的分不多，还请见谅

With an accelerating rate in development of science and technology, an increasing amount of people choose to work or study at home instead of going to the workplaces or schools like traditional ways due to the computer industries flourishing. As for me, I believe it is a positive trend in today’s world.

To start with, the convenience and flexibility that the long distant learning offers would be not regardless. As with computers which provide people with much more freedom to learn and work that each individuals can start a project or a course at anytime or almost anywhere, merely having the network as a necessary. More specifically, the user has access to the right of arranging his/her job process or adjusting the pacing of his/her courses needed like when to complete the assignments. Also, it is a more economical way that doing work or acquiring knowledge via computers than conventional performance or instruction which requiring high tuition and fees and unwanted cost on transporting or accommodation. Furthermore, in terms of multiple options on curriculum, even though the students would not be admitted into their ideal schools or an employee should not go further education because of working, also could choose the courses that they have a desire to study if these were offered by schools or educational institutions on the internet.

On the other hand, long-distance learning and working, indeed, isolate people emotionally and psychologically. In essence, conventional models on fostering one’s interpersonal skills could be effectively and efficiently. By contrast, facing a computer consistently might contribute to aggravate the indifference and less the communication which are not an uncommon phenomenon in current modern society.

In conclusion, should we regard computers as a productively supplementary approach to work and study rather than a replacement of traditional ways, they would be play an appropriate and friendly role in our social activities.

Answer 1

总的来说，写的不错，但有一些地方需要改进。如：

第二段
"merely having the network as a necessary" necessary是形容词，因此可改为as necessary 或 as a necessity

which requiring 可改为 which requires

tuition and fees 可改为 tuition fees

第三段
conventional models on fostering one’s interpersonal skills could be effectively and efficiently. 其中effectively and efficiently 可改为 effective and efficient.

contribute to aggravate the indifference 可直接说 contribute to the indifference

less the communication 表达有问题，less是形容词

in current modern society 嗯，current 与modern 貌似是一个意思

第四段would be play 应去掉be

总的来说，写的不错，不过希望你能注意长短句的搭配，不要总是堆长句子，英语跟汉语一样讲究通达凝练、错落有致。
加油啊，继续努力！